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I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I slowly sit up in my bed. There is a light rain pitter‐pattering on my bedroom window and in the distance a dense fog has engulfed Brisbane city.
<p>Funny, I could have sworn I saw the exact same view yesterday morning. But Brisbane can be faceless like that sometimes. I push the blankets off and slip into a hot shower. As I’m drying myself off my cat Willow makes a ghostly appearance in the doorway. She stares at me, tail moving nervously behind her. I stare back at her, waiting for her to dart off into the lounge room.
A few seconds later she takes off.
<p>Major déjà vu.
<p>I take a deep breath and shake it off. I open my wardrobe and button myself into my uniform. As I sit down at the dining room table to eat breakfast I have another flash of déjà vu. It’s the rainy morning, the table, and the bowl of Cornflakes. I look over at my phone, which is face up in the middle of the table. Sure enough it starts ringing a few moments later. I ignore it. A shiver runs down my spine. I grab my keys and leave my apartment.
<p>Standing in the elevator is the man with the tie‐dyed shirt and the dreadlocks. There’s no way that all of this is just a coincidence. He smiles at me. ‘Good day for the race,’ he says.
<p>[['What race?']]
<p>[['What day is it?']]</p>
‘The human race, of course.’ He chuckles and gets off on the second floor. I catch the elevator to the carpark and find my dusty old Subaru. I start it up too quickly and it conks out. I sit and wait for the engine to warm up and try again. As I leave the carpark I see a flash of lightning in the sky and hear the rain ricocheting off the roof of my car. I drive through the dimly lit backstreets of Paddington and I find myself stuck in traffic on Caxton street. I have another flash of déjà vu. The traffic is backed up, not moving an inch. I open my glovebox and rummage around for the 'Road trip' cassette tape. I find it and [[push]] it into the tape player and Manic Monday comes on over the stereo.
The man shakes his head. ‘What day? It’s today, man. Days, months, years. It’s all made up. It’s always today, this moment right now.’ He chuckles and gets off on the second floor. I catch the elevator to the carpark and find my dusty old Subaru. I start it up too quickly and it conks out. I sit and wait for the engine to warm up and try again. As I leave the carpark I see a flash of lightning in the sky and hear the rain ricocheting off the roof of my car. I drive through the dimly lit backstreets of Paddington and I find myself caught in gridlock on Caxton street. I have another flash of déjà vu. The traffic is backed up, not moving an inch. I open my glovebox and rummage around for the 'Road trip' cassette tape. I find it and [[push]] it into the tape player and The Bangles come on over the stereo.
I recall the first time I ever heard The Bangles. I was about eight or nine. We were living in a small town in New South Wales. Corrugated iron roofs. Tall, windswept grass. That deep blue ocean. Dad had left for work about a half hour earlier and Mum and I were watching <em>Rage</em> together. 'Walk Like An Egyptian' came on and mum started doing the dance.
<p>A car behind me honks its horn. The traffic has inched forward a car length or two. I release the handbrake and drive forward. It’s about twenty minutes until we get moving again. When I reach the top of the hill I see the mangled blue Suzuki Swift and the dinged up bus.
<p>This. This again. This is no déjà vu. The storm clouds this morning. Willow. Melissa's phone call. And now this. This is not just a similar accident, it's <em>the same</em> accident.
<p>I'm late to work and my boss calls me into his office and sits me down. I notice a few nice impressionist paintings hanging on the wall. His wife must have bought them for him. ‘Do you like working here?’ he asks me.
<p>[['Yes, sir.']]
<p>[['Sure.']]
<p>[['No, it stinks.']]</p>
'Good,’ he says. ‘Because, you know, there are plenty of people who would love to have your job.’
<p>‘Of course, sir. I’m very honoured.’
<p>He pauses, considering me for a while. ‘Alright. Well, get back to it then. And don’t even think about leaving at five. You owe me an extra half hour.’
I make my way out of the office and down the hallway to my cubicle. I [[sit down]] in my chair and the phone starts ringing.</p>
My boss raises his eyebrows. ‘There are plenty of people who would kill for your job. It’s a cut-throat world.’
<p>‘Kill me, personally?’
<p>'You'd be surprised,' he says. I'm getting a very axe‐murderer vibe from him now and it's creeping me out. I decide to keep my big mouth shut. He considers me for a while. ‘Well, get back to it then. And don’t even think about leaving at five. You owe me an extra hour.’
<p>'Huh?' I say. 'I was only half an hour late.'
<p>'This isn't bloody high school. I'm running a god damn business here.'
<p>I make my way out of the office and trudge down the hallway to my cubicle. I [[sit down]] in my chair and the phone starts ringing.</p>
My boss raises his eyebrows. 'What did you say?'
<p>'I said I fucking hate this job. It has sucked all of the colour out of my life and every day I feel like my soul is fracturing just a little more.'
<p> For a moment he stares at me, open mouth, motionless, like I’ve just taken a shit on his favourite rug. His face begins to flush with red, starting at his collar and making its way up to his receding hairline. ‘You little shit. Get the hell out of here.'
<p>I stand up and walk towards the door. 'Just to be clear,' I say. 'Do you mean get out of your office, or get out of the building?'
<p>'Both,' he yells. 'Pack your shit and get out.'
<p>'Right.' I leave his office and trudge down the hallway [[to my cubicle]].</p>
<<set $fired to true>>
During my lunch break Melissa calls again.
[[Answer the call]]
[[Don't answer]]
<p>'Hello?'
<p>'Hi. How are you?'
<p>'Um,' I say. 'Okay I guess. Just work stuff, you know.'
<p>Melissa is silent on the other end. I can hear her breathing softly into the earpiece. She's probably thinking of what to say next. She's probably going to try and lighten the mood with a joke or something.
<p>'Why didn't you answer my call this morning?'
<p>'I was busy.'
<p>'Busy doing what?' she snorts. 'Stuffing your face with Cornflakes?'
<p>'Yeah, something like that...' I pause. 'Look I gotta go. But hey...can I come over later?'
<p>'It's my mum's birthday tonight. I can't believe you didn't remember, I've been harping on about it all month.'
<p>'Sorry,' I say. 'I've had a really weird day.'
<p>Melissa hangs up the phone. I try to call her back but she doesn't answer. I finish up my lunch and [[walk back to my cubicle]].</p>
The hours slowly drift by, like clouds on a soft breeze. I spend most of the day talking to cranky investors and looking at my computer screen. But this time round I make sure to glance out the window from time to time to see the magnificent thunderstorm that's rolling through the city. The lightning catches the glass of an office building across the street and then fades, like the flashbulb of an old camera.
<p>After work I drive home, kick back on my couch and drink a beer. I try to watch something on TV but Melissa keeps running through my mind. I can't keep ignoring her. I call her and she picks up almost instantly.
<p>'Hello?' I say.
<p>Melissa is silent on the other end. I can hear her breathing softly into the earpiece. 'Why didn't you answer my calls?'
<p>'I don't know...' I pause. 'Hey...can I come over?'
<p>'It's my mum's birthday tonight. I can't believe you didn't remember, I've been harping on about it all month.'
<p>'Sorry,' I say. 'I've had a really weird day.'
<p>Melissa hangs up the phone. I try to call her back but she doesn't answer. I sigh. No matter what [[tomorrow]] brings, I have to try and fix that. She's the most important person in my life. I should probably make her aware of that.</p>
The hours slowly drift by, like clouds on a soft breeze. I spend most of the day talking to cranky investors and looking at my computer screen. But this time round I make sure to glance out the window from time to time to see the magnificent thunderstorm that's rolling through the city.
<p>After work I drive home, kick back on my couch and drink a beer. I try to call Melissa again but she won't answer. I guess it was kind of shitty of me to forget her mum's birthday. We have been together long enough for me to know that. I flick on the TV. The same black and white movie from yesterday comes on. I change the channel and watch a documentary about wild cats instead.
<p>'Come watch the documentary,' I say and moments later Willow jumps up onto the couch beside me. She stares at me but I ignore her. 'These are your ancestors,' I say, pointing to the screen. Before she can curl up on my lap I grab another two beers out of the fridge and sit back down. Almost immediately Willow pads over to me, curls up on my lap, and then goes to sleep. I look down at her and stroke her soft fur. I look back at the TV screen and yawn. 'I wonder what [[tomorrow]] will bring.'</p>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I slowly sit up in my bed. There is a light rain pitter‐pattering on my bedroom window and in the distance a dense fog has engulfed Brisbane city.
<p>Oh god. Not again.
<p>I shut my eyes for a few seconds and then open them again. No change. I try pinching my arm but it just hurts. Willow makes a ghostly appearance in the kitchen this time instead of the bathroom. She stares at me, tail moving nervously behind her. I stare back at her. 'You knew, didn't you?'
<p>She takes off into the lounge room.
<p>'Am I going crazy?' I say to myself. I take a deep breath and try to shake it off. I look at my alarm clock. Time to get ready for work.</p>
[[Get ready for work]]
[[Don't bother]]
[[Go see a Psychiatrist]]
<p>'You're gonna think I'm crazy.'
<p>'I already think you're crazy.' She pauses. 'So out with it.'
<p>I take a deep breath. 'What's the date today?'
<p>Melissa looks at her phone. 'February 12th, why?'
<p>'This isn't the first time I've lived through February 12th, 2016.'
<p>She raises her eyebrow. ‘Okaaaaaaay?’
<p>A different waitress brings us our coffees. She is wearing red Doc Martens and has her pink hair up in pigtails.
<p>'I mean yesterday was February 12th and the day before that was also February 12th.' I pause, trying to better explain the situation. 'Every day the same stuff happens and I wake up in the morning on February 12th again.'
<p>'Are you on drugs?' she asks. Melissa takes a sip of her coffee and finds a hair in her cup. She picks it off her tongue.
<p>'What? No.' I sigh. 'God damn it. I knew this would happen. I knew you wouldn't believe me.'
<p>'It's...a bit ridiculous.'
<p>'You're ridiculous, I'm fucking living this.'
<p>'Oh,' she says. 'Let me guess? I'm closeminded because I don't fucking believe in your stupid time travel story?'
<p>I grit my teeth and say nothing. My chest is tight and my heart is pounding. Melissa finishes her coffee and looks at her phone.
<p>'I've got to go,' she says. 'I'm going to be late. Listen. I’m worried about you...maybe it’d be a good idea if you went to see a doctor or something.'
<p>I sigh. 'Have fun tonight. Say hello to your mum for me.'
<p>Melissa smiles softly. 'I'll talk to you tomorrow.'
<p>As she leaves the cafe a yellow Lamborghini drives past. I look down at my coffee and shake my head. I guess I shouldn't have expected her to believe me straight away. Hell, I wouldn't. If she told me that she was a time traveller just after breakfast I would think she was a basket case for sure.
<p>I pay for my coffee and dash out to my car. I sit for a while watching the cars go by, listening to the rain hitting my windscreen. I need to get out of Brisbane for a bit...clear my head.
<p>I pull out my phone and check the weather in Byron Bay, my favourite little getaway. <em>Mostly clear, slight chance of a shower in the afternoon. </em> It's still the morning, if I started driving now, and the traffic was okay, I'd be in [[Byron|Escape to Byron]] by lunch. However, Byron's quite far and I haven't seen my best friend [[Steph|Visit best friend]] in a while. I did say we could hang out the next time I got a day off. </p>
<<set $loopmel to true>>
I drive to our favourite cafe and park on the street outside. Melissa arrives about five minutes later. She is wearing her work uniform: a black dress and matching heels. Her long brown hair is blowing wildly in the temperamental Brisbane air. We get a table and order a couple of coffees. 'What's going on?' she says as soon as the waitress leaves.
<p>'I don't really know how to put this...I keep living the same day over and over again.' I pause. 'I know this will be hard to believe, but just wait...The waitress who brings out our coffees will be wearing red Doc Martens and have her pink hair up in pigtails. Your coffee is going to have a hair in it. And in about five minutes a yellow Lamborghini is going to drive past.'
<p>Melissa raises her eyebrow. 'What on Earth are you talking about?'
<p>A few moments later the waitress with the pigtails brings out our coffees. Melissa looks her up and down and then glances down at her coffee. She reaches down and picks out the hair. She looks up at me. 'What the hell?'
<p>'Lissa, For some reason I keep reliving this day. All of this happened yesterday for me too.'
<p>Melissa is speechless. She slowly shakes her head and glances over at the front door. When the yellow Lamborghini drives past her mouth drops open. 'Holy crap,' she says. 'This is insane...'
<p>She runs a hand gently over her stomach.
<p>'Are you feeling sick?' I ask.
<p>Melissa shakes her head. She stares at me for a while, regarding me in silence. And then slowly she parts her lips. 'So if the day keeps repeating itself...it doesn't really matter if I go into work today does it?'
<p>'No,' I say. 'You could set your whole building on fire and it wouldn't matter.'
<p>She finishes her coffee. 'That is tempting...'
<p>As she sets her cup down on the table her phone recieves a text message. 'Apparently there's been a really bad accident on Caxton Street.'
<p>I nod slowly. 'A bus ran into a Suzuki Swift...Never had a chance.'
<p>I see a twinkle of excitement in Melissa's eyes. 'Maybe you could stop it...' she says. 'Maybe you're in this loop for a reason.'
<p>I shrug. 'Maybe.'
<p>Melissa finishes her coffee and stands up. 'Let's go and see what we can find out about [[the accident|Crash2]]. Might be useful tomorrow.'
<p>'Good idea.' </p>
<<set $melcrash to true>>
I find a large cardboard box in the photocopying room and drop it next to my desk. I take down the photo of Melissa and I standing on a ski field in Canada. Melissa's dad lived in Canada and she used to visit him every year at Christmas. So naturally she had been skiing many times before. I had never skied before. This photo was taken just before my first skiing lesson. Let's just say that I ate my fair share of snow. I place the photo in the box and remove another one taken at my parents' wedding. They are so young and so in love. You can see it in their eyes. He's holding her shoulders so delicately and she's looking up at him from beneath her veil. I place it in the box.
<p>When all of my stuff is packed I leave my swipe card on my desk and leave the building. My mind is full of thoughts on my drive home. A tennis match between terror and relief. You've already paid rent this week, but what about next week and the week after? 15‐0. You hated that job and now you're finally free. 15‐15.
<p>My phone rings as I'm driving. It's Melissa. I pull over to the side of the road and answer the call. My heart is pounding.
<p>'Hello?' I say.
<p>'Hi. How are you?'
<p>'Um,' I say, looking at the cardboard box in the rear‐view mirror. 'I lost my job.'
<p>Melissa is silent on the other end. I can hear her breathing softly into the earpiece. She's probably thinking of what to say next. She's probably going to try and lighten the mood with a joke or something.
<p>'Did you quit or were you fired?'
<p>I sigh. 'Fired.'
<p>'Are you okay?' she says.
<p>'I'm not sure yet,' I say. 'Hey...can I see you later?'
<p>Melissa pauses. 'It's my mum's birthday tonight. I'm going down to see her.'
<p>'Oh,' I say. 'I'm sorry I forgot. Say hi for me.'
<p>'I will. Talk to you tomorrow.'
<p>I sit there for a while watching the cars go by, listening to the rain hitting my windscreen. I think I need to get out of Brisbane for a bit...clear my head.
<p>I pull out my phone again and check the weather in Byron Bay, my favourite little getaway.<em>Mostly clear, slight chance of a shower in the afternoon. </em> It's still the morning, if I started driving now, and the traffic was okay, I'd be in [[Byron|Escape to Byron]] by lunch. However, Byron's quite far and I haven't seen my best friend [[Steph|Visit best friend]] in a while. I did say we could hang out the next time I got a day off. </p>
I open my wardrobe and put on my work uniform. Why on Earth am I doing this again? Am I doing it to pay the rent or because it's the only thing I'm good at anymore? I'm not great at my job, but if they gave bonuses for following a routine I'd be rich.
<p>I pass the mangled blue Suzuki Swift and the dinged up bus on Caxton Street again. I look closer. There are chunks of plastic bumper scattered across the road and broken glass everywhere. The bus driver is sitting on the kerb with his head in his hands. I look around for the driver of the Suzuki but can't see anything. A car behind me honks and I turn my eyes back to the road. I should really get to work. But then again, I'm already going to be late. </p>
[[Investigate the crash]]
[[Go to work]]
I honestly can't see any point going into work today. I wait for Melissa's call and answer it immediately.
<p>'Hello?' she says.
<p>'Hey...' I say.
<p>'How are you going?' she asks.
<p>'I...I'm not sure. Something really weird is going on, Lissa.'
<p>'Weird how?'
<p>'Can we meet somewhere?'
<p>'I've got to be at work in an hour, but I could meet you for like five or ten minutes at our usual spot?'
<p>'Thanks,' I say. 'See you there.'
<p>I hang up the phone, chuck on a pair of jeans and a t‐shirt. Standing in the elevator is the man with the tie‐dyed shirt and the dreadlocks. He smiles at me.
<p>'Good day for the race,' I say before he has a chance.
<p>The man’s smile fades and he stares at me blankly. ‘How did you…?’ he says.
<p>He gets off on the second floor and I chuckle to myself. I ride the elevator to the carpark and find my dusty old Subaru. I wait for the engine to warm up before going anywhere. As I leave the carpark I see a flash of lightning in the sky and hear the rain ricocheting off the roof of my car. I drive to our favourite cafe and park on the street outside. Melissa arrives about five minutes later. She is wearing her work uniform: a black dress and matching heels. Her long brown hair is blowing wildly in the temperamental Brisbane air. We get a table and order a couple of coffees. 'What's going on?' she says as soon as the waitress leaves. </p>
[[Tell her about the time loop]]
[[Try and mend things between you]]
I throw on a pair of jeans and a t‐shirt. It feels a million times better than my bland work uniform. I skip breakfast and catch the elevator to the car park. The man in the tie‐dyed shirt is not in the elevator. I must have beat him to the punch. As I'm starting my car Melissa's call comes in. I don't answer.
<p>I drive into the city, avoiding Caxton street, and find the cheapest park I can. I walk down Adelaide Street and locate a small psychiatrist's office above a waxing salon. I'm highly sceptical, but a number of people recommended Dr. Swanson to me a few years ago when my father passed. It seems he has a very good reputation in Brisbane.
<p>'Hello sir,' the receptionist says with a smile. 'Do you have an appointment?'
<p>'Well, no I don't. But it's quite urgent. Do you think he will be able to fit me in?'
<p>'He seems to be fully booked today.' The receptionist types on the keyboard. 'How about tomorrow at 11 am?'
<p>I sigh. 'Tomorrow's no good for me I'm sorry.'
<p>'Okay,' she says. 'Well, if you're happy to wait there might be a cancellation at some stage. It is not uncommon, but you could be waiting all day. It's up to you.'
<p>'I'll wait,' I say. 'I've got all the time in the world.' I laugh a little too enthusiastically. The receptionist laughs too, but she looks confused.
<p>I take a seat and flip through a couple of Time magazines and a Cleo. After about two hours the receptionist tells me that Dr. Swanson has had a cancellation and I can go into see him straight away. Dr. Swanson greets me with a smile and a soft handshake. He gestures for me to take a seat in the leather recliner. I get comfy and he gets out a clipboard and a few sheets of paper. 'So what seems to be the problem today?'
<p>'I think I might be crazy, doc.'
<p>Dr. Swanson nods. 'What makes you think that?'
<p>'I keep living the same day over and over.'
<p>'Oh.' He pauses. He scribbles something down. 'Can you describe that in a bit more detail?'
<p>I tell him all about my loop days and he takes down a lot of notes. He then asks me a laundry list of questions, presumably to test my sanity. And at the end of it all he books me in for a follow up in two days’ time. Frustrated I leave his office and locate the closest medical centre. I try to book in for a head scan but they inform me that I need a referral. Guess I’ll have to try something else [[tomorrow|tomorrow3]].</p>
The doors to the Mater hospital open and I walk inside. I give the receptionist my details and take a seat. I called up my friend Justin after breakfast. We went to high school together and he’s worked at the Mater for about five years. He was able to get me in for an emergency MRI.
<p>The scan takes about fifteen minutes And it’s not nearly as scary as they make it out to be in the movies. But then again, I’m not claustrophobic.
<p>'Okay, we should have the results to you in two to three business days,' the receptionist says when we’re done.
<p>'Is there any chance we could fast track it?' I frown. 'It's really quite urgent.'
<p>The receptionist makes a phone call. 'The radiographer should be able to tell you if there is anything wrong in a few hours, but you won't be able to see the images or go through the full results for another couple of days.'
<p>'Thank you,' I say.
<p>'Keep your phone on, he'll call you soon.'
<p>I leave the hospital and grab lunch in a small cafe on the street corner. I watch a young mother pushing along a pram. Inside is a baby girl with sparkling blue eyes and thin blonde hair. She is sucking on a pink princess dummy. I smile and finish my lunch.
<p>I get the call in the late afternoon. I answer the phone.
<p>'What's the prognosis doc? Am I crazy?'
<p>'There is nothing wrong with your brain. You have a healthy amount of grey matter and there is no swelling or abnormal neural activity.'
<p>'Okay,' I say. '[[Thanks doc|tomorrow4]].' </p>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I sit up in my bed. There is a light rain pitter‐pattering on my bedroom window and in the distance a dense fog has engulfed Brisbane city.
[[Get ready for work]]
[[Don't bother]]
I park my car on the side of the road and walk down to the crash site. I see two paramedics carrying a stretcher to the back of the ambulance. There is a white sheet over the stretcher. I approach the police officer standing by the barrier.
<p>'What happened?' I ask.
<p>'Car accident,' he says without turning his head. He's chewing a piece of gum.
<p>I take a deep breath. I've never been comfortable around police. I always feel like I've done something wrong.
<p>'Was the person in the car killed?' I ask.
<p>The police officer turns to me and raises an eyebrow. 'Look, are you a reporter or something? Can I see some credentials?'
<p>'No, I'm just interested.'
<p>He stares at me for a while, slowly chewing his gum, and then nods. 'Okay, I'm going to have to ask you to keep walking then.'
<p>I walk back up the street and notice that there is parking ticket on the windscreen of my car. I look up at the street sign and see that it is a loading zone. I shrug it off and get in the car. As I'm opening my car door I hear the wail of the ambulance. It soars past me, probably towards the Mater hospital. I wonder if there is a way I can stop the accident from taking place? Maybe I'm stuck in this loop for a reason.</p>
[[Try to stop the accident]]
[[Go to work]]
My boss is pretty sour when I turn up to the office late. I tell him about the car accident, but he won’t have a bar of it. He calls me into his office again and sits me down. I notice a picture of his wife sitting on his desk. She’s sitting with her arm around a golden retriever and smiling at the camera. ‘Do you like working here?’ he asks me.
<p>[['Yes, sir.']]
<p>[['Sure.']]
<p>[['No, it stinks.']]</p>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I sit up quickly and throw on some clothes. I skip breakfast and rush down to my car. I drive to Caxton street but find myself stuck in traffic again. While I'm stuck in traffic I see a bus turning the corner and my heart sinks. I hear a thunderous screech of metal and plastic and glass colliding. I shudder as I imagine the poor soul in the Suzuki...
<p>I'm going to have to try something else.
<p>I drive home and start up my laptop. I load up a web browser and start trawling the news websites for recent car crashes. Willow jumps up onto the couch and meows at me. 'I just fed you,' I say. I look at the time. 'You're a fat little kitty aren't you?' I scratch her behind the ears and she closes her eyes. When I stop she meows again and then sits down on my keyboard.
<p>I flick on the TV and watch a documentary about failed rocket launches. A few minutes in I get a call from my boss. I reject the call. 'I've got more important shit to do, Larry.'
<p>Just after lunch a brief story comes through on the ABC News website: <em>Girl, 23, killed in car accident on Caxton Street in Brisbane</em>. I click on the story, but there are no new details. I don't have much to go on, but I need to figure something out and [[try again]].
</p>
<<if $melcrash is true>>Melissa and I drive to Caxton Street and find ourselves stuck in traffic.<p>'What should we do?' Melissa asks.<p>I look around and take a deep breath. I pull the handbrake and we both get out of the car. Two cars behind us honk their horns, one of them hurling abuse at us as well. We walk up Caxton street in between the cars. We pass a black SUV with two little girls in the back playing with Barbie dolls. The mother and father are exchanging a kiss in the front. Melissa nudges me and points to the Blue Suzuki Swift directly in front of the SUV.
<p>'That's her,' she whispers.
<p>The girl in the Swift is singing her heart out to Beyoncé. For a moment I'm mesmerised by the thought that if I did nothing she would soon cease to exist. I shiver at the thought and we approach her car.</p><<elseif $crash1 is true>>I drive to Caxton street and get out of the car. The cars behind me honk their horns but I keep walking, up past the black SUV with the little girls in the back playing with Barbie dolls. I see the girl singing in her blue Suzuki. Seeing her alive again sends a shiver down my spine. I approach her car.<<else>>I drive to Caxton street and find myself stuck in traffic. I look around and take a deep breath. I pull the handbrake and get out of the car. Two cars behind me honk their horns, one of them hurling abuse at me as well. I walk up Caxton street beside the cars. I pass a black SUV with two little girls in the back playing with Barbie dolls. The mother and father are exchanging a kiss in the front. Immediately ahead of the SUV is the Blue Suzuki Swift. I see the girl sitting in the driver's seat singing her heart out to Beyoncé. For a moment I'm mesmerised by the thought that if I did nothing she would soon cease to exist. I shiver at the thought of it and approach her car.<</if>>
<<if $girldeath is true>>
[[Get in the passenger's door]]<<else>>
[[Yell out to her]]
[[Get in the passenger's door]]<</if>>
<<if $melcrash is true>>'Hey!' I yell. 'You need to move your car, or get out now.' She looks over at me and frowns. She winds up her window and keeps singing. <p>'No!' Melissa says, running up to her window. 'You don't understand...'
<p>I see the bus turning the corner and I jump to the kerb. But Melissa is still at the car window. 'Melissa!' I yell out.
<p>But it's too late. The bus screeches out of control and I shut my eyes. I hear the bus smash into the Suzuki. Crunching metal and shattering glass. I hear Melissa cry out and I open my eyes for a moment. The front half of the Suzuki is collapsed in on itself. There are car parts and glass shards scattered everywhere. And Melissa. She's lying on the ground in a pool of blood, scratches all over her body. The blood is still spreading. I rush over to her and put my hands underneath her head.
<p>'Melissa,' I whisper. 'Please...'
<p>She's not breathing.
[[Shake her]]
[[Try CPR]]
[[Find someone who can help]]</p>
<<else>>'Hey!' I yell. 'You need to move your car, or get out now.'
<p>She looks over at me and frowns. She winds up her window and keeps singing. I see the bus turning the corner and my heart sinks. I turn away and the sounds of the collision [[tear through the fabric in my head|try again]]. </p><</if>>
<<set $girldeath to true>>
<<if $melcrash is true>><p>'Wait here,' I say to Melissa. </p><</if>>I walk up to the car and open up the passenger door. I jump inside and close the door behind me.
<p>'What the fuck are you doing?' the girl screams. She lunges at me, scratching the side of my face.
<p>'This is going to sound insane,' I say. 'But there is a bus that's going to come around that corner in about a minute that is going to hit the side of your car.'
<p>'You're fucking crazy.'
<p>'Please,' I say. 'Just move over into the next lane. If I'm wrong, it's no skin off your nose and I promise I'll leave.'
<p>She regards me, wide-eyed, for a moment and then takes off the handbrake. She moves the car into the next lane.
<p>'Thank you,' I say. I take a deep breath and then look around. My heart sinks as I see that the Black SUV has taken her place in the other lane. I wind down my window and start yelling.</p>
[[But it's too late.]]
As soon as my alarm clock sounds I chuck on my clothes and leave my apartment. <<if $crash1 is true>>I don't have time to get Melissa on board. <</if>>I need as much time as I can get. I arrive on Caxton Street about five minutes earlier this time, but the traffic is still horrendous.
<p>I pull the handbrake and get out of my car. Two cars behind me honk their horns. I ignore them and walk up the middle of Caxton street to the blue Swift. I get in the passenger's side of the car and convince the girl to move her car into the next lane. As expected, the black SUV takes its place.
<p>I thank her and rush over. I hear the laughter of the little girls in the back seat. The girl in the tiara has rotated the head of her Barbie doll so that it is facing her back. Both of them are laughing so hard they are almost tearing up. Their parents are exchanging a kiss in the front. The father is in the driver's seat, wearing a navy suit and glasses. The mother is wearing a flowing white dress and has her hair in a bun.
<p>Time is of the essence, but I take a moment to think about who it would be best to approach about the impending accident.</p>
<<if $father is true>>[[Approach the mother]]
[[Approach the girls]]<<else>>[[Approach the mother]]
[[Approach the father]]
[[Approach the girls]]<</if>>
The bus comes around the corner and crashes into the front of the SUV. The screech of metal and shattered glass fill my ears. And then I hear a little girl cry out.
<p>'Holy shit,' the girl beside me says. 'You saved my life...' Her hands are shaking.
<p>I get out out of her car and hurry over to the SUV. The driver's side is completely mangled. It looks like a piece of paper that's been crunched up a hundred times and never flattened out. One of the little girls has her face pressed up against the glass, her face red from screaming, tears and snot streaming down her face. <<if $melcrash is true>>Melissa is frantically trying to pry the door open.<<else>>There is a man on my side of the car, the passenger's side, trying to pry open the back door. <</if>>I help open the door and the girl's screams cut through the air, clawing at my soul.<<if $melcrash is true>><p>Melissa pulls the little girl from the car and carries her over to the footpath. She's wearing a pink dress and a little plastic tiara. I glance inside the car. There is blood and glass and plastic everywhere. The front section of the car has completely crushed the parents. And the little girl in the back...There's a large shard of glass protruding from her left eye. Her arm is twitching, so I reach out to grab her, but then it stops.<p> I start shaking uncontrollably and feel the bile rising in my stomach. I shut the door and crouch down to throw up. I look up at Melissa and the little girl through tear‐filled eyes. </p><<else>><p>I pull her from the car and the man sticks his head inside the car. The little girl is wearing a pink dress and a little plastic tiara. </p><</if>><<if $melcrash is true>><p>I sit down next to Melissa and she searches my eyes for answers. I shake my head and look away.</p><<else>><p>I walk her over to the footpath and sit her down. </p><</if>><p>The little girl is crying so much she can barely breathe. <<if $melcrash is true>>Melissa's strokes her hair and tells her everything is going to be okay, even though neither of us believe it. <<else>>I hold her hand and tell her it's going to be okay, even though I don't really believe that. A few moments later the man who helped me open the car door comes over looking grim. He leans down and whispers in my ear, 'All dead. Her mother, father...sister.' I look down at the little girl and my eyes fill with tears.<</if>></p>
[[I can't let this happen.]]
I approach the passenger's window and greet the mother. She smiles meekly. 'Hi. Um. Can I help you with something?'
<p>'Look' I say. 'This is going to sound crazy, but it's very important. You all need to get out of the car right now, there's a bus about to turn onto Caxton street and it's going to crash into your car.'
<p>The father snorts. 'What a load of crap. Keep walking buddy. Go back to the pub.'
<p>'I'm not drunk,' I say. I look at the mother again. 'This is really important.' I pause, trying to assess how I can stress the gravity of the situation. 'I saw your daughters die. If you get out of the car now you can save their lives.'
<p>'Wind up your window honey,' the father says. 'This ones's a nutcase.'
<p>The mother swallows dryly. 'I don't know Bill...I've always had this feeling of uncertainty about this corner. Do you remember that dream I had a few weeks ago? Maybe we should just get out. If it doesn't happen, it's only a minor inconvenience.'
The father sighs. 'Okay. Girl's, we're getting out for a few minutes.'
<p>The mother gets out and leads the daughters to the kerb. The father follows behind, shaking his head. 'This is ridiculous.'
<p>A few moments later the bus comes around the corner. I see it in slow motion as it fails to turn sharply enough and it crashes into the front of the SUV, crumpling it like a piece of paper, and sending it flying into a red Toyota behind. The mother cries out in surprise and the little girls shield their eyes. The father's mouth drops open a little and then he looks around at me. He just stares me up and down. His lips are moving but no words are coming out.
<p>I rush over to the Toyota and brace myself. I glance inside and see the body of a middle aged woman. She's crushed and contorted over the driver's seat. There are several bits of metal and glass that have penetrated her torso and arms. There is blood all over the dashboard and the steering wheel. [[She's not moving]], but the blood continues to seep out. </p>
I walk around to the other side of the car and approach the driver's window.
<p>'Hello,' I say to the father.
<p>He stares at me. 'Ah. Hello? Are you selling something, because if you are, I don't want it. Can't you see I'm trying to enjoy some time here with my family?'
<p>'I'm not selling anything,' I say. 'I know this must be strange. But it's very important. You all need to get out of the car right now, there's a‐'
<p>'I don't want to hear it,' the father says. 'Keep walking buddy. Go back to the pub.'
<p>'I'm not drunk,' I say. 'This is really important.' I pause, trying to assess how I can stress the gravity of the situation. <p>'I saw you all die...'
<p>He shakes his head and winds up the window. I try knocking on his window but he doesn't respond. A few moments later the bus comes around the corner. I see it in slow motion as it fails to turn sharply enough. I jump back onto the footpath and watch as it crashes into the front of the SUV, crumpling it like a piece of paper, and sending it flying into a red Toyota behind.
<p>I rush over and help a man pry the back door open. The girl's screams cut through the air, clawing at my soul. I pull her from the car and walk her over to the footpath and sit her down. She's crying so much she can barely breathe. I hold her hand and tell her it's going to be okay, even though I don't really believe that. Her whole family has just died.
</p>
[[I can't let this happen.]]
<<set $father to true>>
I approach the back window, which is down halfway. 'Hello,' I say to the girl in the tiara. She stares at me and then looks at her mother. 'Mum, who is this person at the window?' Her mother turns around and looks concerned. She whispers something to her husband.
<p>'Why don't you just keep on up the road eh?' The father says.
<p>'I'm sorry,' I say. 'I know this must be strange. But it's very important. You all need to get out of the car right now, there's a‐'
<p>'Keep walking buddy. Go back to the pub.'
<p>'I'm not drunk,' I say. 'This is really important.' I think for a moment. <p>'I saw you all die...'
<p>The girls look upset by my words and I instantly regret them. The mother says something to her husband and he nods. He pulls the handbrake and gets out of the car. He comes around the side of the car to where I'm standing and grabs my shoulder firmly. The mother is in the car distracting the girls while he pulls me to the kerb.
<p>He jabs his finger into my chest. 'Stay the fuck away from my family. Got it?'
<p>I open my mouth to speak but then I see the bus come around the corner. I swallow dryly and point to the bus with my finger. I see it in slow motion as it fails to turn sharply enough and crashes into the front of the SUV, crumpling it like a piece of paper, and sending it flying into a red Toyota behind.
<p>The father instantly releases me. His mouth drops open and his eyes widen. A deep guttural sound rises up from his belly and he rushes over to the car. He opens the back door and pulls his daughter to safety. She wedges her head in the nape of her father's neck and continues to scream.
<p>I rush over to the Toyota and brace myself. I glance inside and see the body of a middle aged woman. She's crushed and contorted over the driver's seat. There are several bits of metal and glass that have penetrated her torso and arms. There is blood all over the dashboard and the steering wheel. [[She's not moving]], but the blood continues to seep out. </p>
Someone grabs my shoulder and I jump. I don't know how long I've been standing there looking at her lifeless body, but it must have been a while. I look up and a paramedic is ushering me away from the wreck. He tells me to go and sit down somewhere. I walk past the ambulance with its flashing red and blue lights and sit down against a street lamp.
<p>I look from the bus, which barely has a scratch on it, to the mangled Toyota. She didn't stand a chance. No one does against something that massive, a big metal tsunami decimating everything in its path. I watch as the police officer directs traffic around the accident and the paramedics remove the woman's body and place her on a stretcher. Maybe that's all there is. Maybe I'm [[not supposed to save everyone|Not supposed to save everyone]].
<p>But. There might be a chance still, if I can stomach the possibility of living through that horrific accident again. I take out a notepad and [[write down]] the bus's number plate, 913THX, and the route number, 61. </p>
<<set $accident to true>>
<<if $help is true>>I thought that if I helped the people around me...those in need, maybe that would break the spell. But I guess one day of helping the homeless is not enough. I mean, it's just money isn't it? A wad of cash is just a short term solution. It's not a roof over their heads, it's not three meals a day.<<elseif $accident is true>>I thought that I'd finally figured out why I'd been given this day over and over again, to stop that accident.
But that wasn't it. Maybe that accident was already written in stone, and I was always just a spectator.<</if>>
<p>Maybe there's no right and wrong.
<p>No way out.
<p>Maybe I'll be stuck here forever, never able to grow or to make a mistake or experience true success.
<p>I need to get out of this apartment. The walls are closing in...I feed Willow, chuck some clothes on, and leave my apartment.
<p>Standing in the elevator is the man with the tie‐dyed shirt and the dreadlocks. He smiles at me. ‘Good day for the race,’ he says.
<p>I ignore him, but his smile doesn't fade, even when he leaves the elevator. I walk past my car this time and out onto the street corner.
<p>I hop on a bus towards the city and take a seat near the back. I see a mother and her infant daughter cradled against her chest.
<p>I stare out the window and watch my suburb slowly slip away. I picture Melissa with a little girl sitting on her lap. Melissa is tickling her sides. She's giggling and looking up at me.
<p>I order a coffee in a cafe in the city and find a seat by the window. I watch the people walk by, making up different histories for each one, different dramas. People watching is one of my favourite pastimes. It makes me feel a part of something, connected to the world. And it's nice to see something different for a change.
<p>Around midday Melissa calls again. I look down at my phone, a tightness in my chest. I really want to talk to her, but I'm not sure if my head is in the right place.</p>
[[Answer the call|Answer3]]
[[Reject the call|Don't pick up]]
Maybe I'm stuck in this loop for a reason. <em>To stop the accident</em>. Perhaps this is the universe's way of course correcting.
<p>I drive to Roma street and hurry up to the bus platform. The 61 is three minutes away. I sit down on one of the seats, the metal cold against my skin, and look around. Sitting next to me is a young guy who is reading <em>Slaughterhouse‐Five</em> with his legs crossed. Further down the platform is a girl from Kelvin Grove State School with a backpack that's almost as big as her.
<p>When the 61 arrives I get on and smile at the driver. 'Adult to Caxton street please.'
<p>The bus driver sighs. 'You gotta read the signs, pal. This is a prepaid service only.'
<p>I stare at him blankly.
<p>'It means you need to have already bought a ticket or have a Go Card.'
<p>I sigh. 'Look,' I say opening my wallet. 'I've got a twenty dollar note...' I pull it out and offer it to the bus driver. 'It's really important that I get on this bus.'
<p>'I don't have any change for that.'
<p>'It's fine, keep it.'
<p>The bus driver shakes his head. 'Just get on. I'm gonna be late now.'
<p>I take a seat in the middle of the bus. Now what? He's probably a few minutes behind schedule, which means maybe he doesn't hit the blue Suzuki or the SUV, but he's still going to botch the turn and hit somebody, and now I'm a part of the bloody crash. Caxton street is the next stop. So now what? </p>
[[Tell the bus driver]] [[Cause a scene]]
I get up and approach the driver. I grab onto the railing as we go around a corner.
<p>'What is it now?' he says.
<p>'There's no easy way to put this,' I say. 'When you turn onto Caxton street, you need to turn sharper than your instinct tells you.'
<p>'Huh? What are you talking about? I've been driving this bus for ten years. I've turned that corner a thousand times pal. So why don't you just take a seat before you make me crash the bus.'
<p>That makes my head spin. Is it possible that I could have caused the crash? No. Because I was on the other side of it first. But what does 'first' mean to me? Does it mean the same as the words yesterday and tomorrow? I shake it off. Either way, the bus needs to stop. We're coming up to the corner now.
<p>'Please,' I say. 'You need to stop.'
<p>'Sit down you bloody nutcase.'
<p>Desperate, I lunge forward and grab the steering wheel. 'Let go you maniac,' the bus driver shouts. He wrenches the wheel back. People start screaming as we go around the corner quickly and in a wide arc. We rapidly approach a big white truck. Terror rises swiftly through my body and my muscles tighten as the bus [[smashes headfirst into the truck]].</p>
<<set $busdeath to true>>
<<set $death to true>>
<<if $busdeath is true>>I drive to Roma street and hurry up to the bus platform. Once I'm on the bus and we've started moving <</if>>I stand up slowly and take a deep breath. 'Stop the bus!' I yell. 'I've put a bomb under one of the seats and I'll blow it up if you don't do what I say.'
<p>'I told you before,' the bus driver says. 'I don't have any money in the register.'
<p>I walk up to him and look him in the eyes. 'It's not about money,' I say. 'Stop the bus.'
<p>The bus driver pulls off to the side of the road and slows to a halt. 'What do you want?' the bus driver asks. 'I have a wife and a daughter. She's three. See up there, that's a picture of them.' He points to the side of the steering wheel where he has stuck a small photograph of his wife and child.
<p>'I'm trying to help you,' I say. I look around the bus. Everybody looks terrified. One old lady has her eyes closed and her fingers interlocked like she's at church. I tell the bus driver to open the doors and let them out. The back door opens with a hiss and the passengers leave.
<p>I hear a police siren and sigh. A police officer walks around the front of the bus and raps on the door. The bus driver looks at me and I nod. He pulls the lever and the door opens.
<p>'What's going on here?' the officer asks.
<p>'Hijacked my damn bus,' the driver says. 'Made a bomb threat and forced me to stop.'
<p>The police officer shakes his head and pulls out his handcuffs. 'You're under arrest. Kneel down on the ground and put your hands behind your head.'
<p>'Wait,' the bus driver says. 'I have to know. How were you helping me?'
<p>'You were going to crash the bus on Caxton Street...'
<p>The police officer shakes his head and marches me off the bus and into a patrol car where there is another officer in the passenger's seat. 'Didn't count on the panic switch, did you?' he says chewing a piece of gum. The officer who cuffed me glares at his partner. 'Officer Harrison, that's enough.'
<p>They drive me to the police station and I sit in the lobby with officer Harrison until the other officer processes my paperwork. Officer Harrison stares at me, his face very close to mine, always chewing on a piece of gum. When one runs out he immediately replaces it with another, as if he's on life‐support or something.
<p>When they've finished processing me they walk me through to an empty cell and remove my cuffs. 'You will remain here for the day,' the officer who cuffed me says. 'We will be in touch once we have reviewed your case.'
<p>I may be behind bars for the night, but it’s for a good cause. I stopped the accident. I saved lives today. But if I wake up tomorrow and it’s still the 12th of February, then what? My stomach grumbles and I think about Willow.
<p>'Um,’ I say as the officer is opening the door. ‘Is it possible to get someone to [[feed my cat]]?'</p>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I stare out the window at the storm clouds drifting over Brisbane city.
<p>I think of the accident. I think of another way that I can try to prevent it, but my mind is fried. I could try a thousand times to stop that accident, and even if I succeeded, I would have to do the same thing again the next time round and the time after that. I might get stuck in an endless routine of stopping that accident. I think about the girl in her Blue Suzuki and the bus driver sobbing on the kerb. Maybe [[I'm not supposed to stop the accident|Not supposed to save everyone]].</p>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I stare out the window at the storm clouds drifting over Brisbane city. <p>Not even death can end this loop.
<p>I think of the accident. I think of another way that I can try to prevent it. Maybe I should [[cause a scene|Cause a scene]], pretend to have a bomb or something. Or I could [[contact the bus company]] and tell them that there is a fault with the bus. Maybe they will take it off the road.
</p>
I call Translink and wait patiently for close to half an hour until someone answers my call.
<p>'Hello, my name is Frank,' the man on the end of the line says. He sounds middle aged. He sounds bored out of his skull, like he's done this every day for the past twenty years and he's just about ready to put a shotgun in his weary old mouth and pull the trigger. That's just a guess, but you can tell a lot about a person from the way they talk.
<p>'Are you calling about the public holiday services?' Frank says.
<p>'No,' I say. 'It's about a fault with one of your buses.'
<p>'Oh,' he says. 'Which bus?'
<p>I tell him the number plate and route number of the bus.
<p>'May I ask how you know there is a fault with this bus?' Frank asks.
<p>I pause. 'I just know.'
<p>'Hold on one second,' Frank says with a sigh. I can hear him typing on a keyboard. 'That particular bus was just serviced last month.'
<p>I grit my teeth, not sure how to proceed from here. </p>
[[Accuse the bus driver]]
[[Tell him there is a bomb on board]]
I grit my teeth. 'It's the bus driver. He's going to mess up a turn and crash into another vehicle.'
<p>Frank pauses. 'How could you possibly know that? This is a prank call isn't it?'
<p>'Please just trust me.'
<p>'I'm sorry. I have a job to do here.' Frank hangs up the phone. I hit my palm against my forehead.
<p>I boot up my laptop and keep an eye on the ABC News website. About an hour later the news headline appears: <em>Girl, 23, killed in car accident on Caxton Street in Brisbane.</em>
<p>I take a deep breath. Maybe I should have told Frank that [[there was a bomb on the bus|Tell him there is a bomb on board]]. That way they would have to take it off the road, surely. Or maybe I have to face the idea that [[I'm not supposed to stop the accident|Not supposed to save everyone]]...
</p>
<<set $accident to true>>
'Frank,' I say, deadly serious. 'There is a bomb on that bus.'
<p>'What?' Frank says, alarmed. 'Is this a prank call? Because this kind of thing is not a joke.'
<p>'It's no joke,' I say. 'You have to take it off the road or a lot of people will die.'
<p>I hang up the phone. My hands are shaking. I've never done anything so serious in my life.
<p>I hope I didn't scare the poor guy too much. But enough to get the bus off the road of course.
<p>I boot up my laptop and keep an eye on the ABC News website. About an hour later the news headline appears: <em>Man, 37, killed in car accident on Caxton Street in Brisbane.</em>
<p>My heart sinks. They must have taken the bus off the road and then, after a slight delay, given the same driver a brand new one to crash...
<p>I try to think of another way that I can try to prevent the accident, but my mind is fried. I could try a thousand times to stop that accident, and even if I succeeded, I would have to do the same thing again the next time round and the time after that. I might get stuck in an endless routine of stopping that accident. I think about the girl in her Blue Suzuki and the bus driver sobbing on the kerb. Maybe [[I'm not supposed to stop the accident|Not supposed to save everyone]].</p>
<<set $accident to true>>
<<if $byron is true>>I arrive in Byron just after midday and find a park next to a cafe overlooking the beach. I order breakfast and look out over the bay. The air is warm and salty, but not humid like in Brisbane. I watch the waves crash against the rocks and wash up over the sand on the beach. Maybe after lunch I'll [[go for a swim]]. My eyes follow the coastline up to the [[lighthouse]]. I get butterflies in my stomach at the thought of trekking up there again. </p><<else>>I fire up the car and start driving to Byron. There is an accident just out of the city and the traffic is backed up for a few kilometres. A semi-trailer collided with a white SUV. It reminds me of the accident on Caxton Street. I try to put it out of my mind. After I pass the accident, the traffic clears up considerably. I put the radio on and cruise down the M3 towards one of my favourite places.
<p>About an hour later I stop for petrol and snacks. An overweight man with frizzy hair and a beard serves me.
<p>'Taking the day off work?' he says.
<p>'You could say that.' I nod. 'How did you know?'
<p>He smiles. 'You have a glow about you.'
<p>I pick up my bag of chips and packet of lollies and can't help but smile back at him. I thank him and get back into my car. What a strange encounter. No one has ever told me I have a glow, especially not some guy in a service station.
<p>I continue south along the M1, stuffing chips and lollies in my mouth whenever I can. God, I haven't eaten this badly in forever. It's amazing.
<p>The clouds begin to get lighter about ten minutes before the New South Wales border and the rain eases off.
<p>I pass through my favourite tunnel just over the border. It's made out of stone and rises in a perfect semi‐circle above the road. It's not long so you can see the trees and fields on the other side, the bridge framing the landscape perfectly. On top of the tunnel is a wildlife crossing, full of trees, bushes and other greenery. I picture a family of koalas making their way across to the other side. I reckon wildlife crossings should be mandatory every ten kilometres or so. Why not? They save animal lives and they look nice. I read a report once that said they even save taxpayers quite a bit of money because the council doesn't have to clean up animal corpses all the time.
<p>The sun comes out intermittently, illuminating the lush green fields and rolling hills. It's such a different landscape to Queensland, even just a few kilometres over the border. It's really hard to believe.
<p>I pull into Byron just after midday and find a park next to a cafe overlooking the beach. I order a big breakfast and look out over the bay. The air is warm and salty, but not humid like in Brisbane. I watch the waves crash against the rocks and wash up over the sand on the beach. Maybe after lunch I'll [[go for a swim]], it's probably been a couple of years since I went swimming in the beach. My eyes follow the coastline up to the [[lighthouse]]. I get butterflies in my stomach at the thought of trekking up there again. </p><</if>>
I start up the car and begin driving to Steph's place in Windsor. Steph's been my friend since kindergarten. We used to eat dirt together in the playground. We both lived in a small town called Maleny and when we were old enough we went to this little hippie school called The River School where no one wore uniforms, or shoes. We frequently dirtied our clothes exploring the rainforest near the school during lunch break. One time we followed the creek up really far and missed our afternoon classes. Needless to say, our teacher was not pleased. The groundskeeper eventually found us swimming in a crystal clear lake we had found. The school dog, Ramuh, had trailed along and licked his paws while the groundskeeper reprimanded us.
<p>I pull into Steph's driveway and park my car. I look up at her house, an old green Queenslander, and see that there's a light on in the garage. Steph works part time as a teacher and the rest of her time she devotes to pottery. She's pretty well known around Brisbane actually, and she makes a good income from her work, but not quite enough to live off. But she's not in it for the money; she sculpts clay because she loves it. Anyway, she uses her garage as her studio.
<p>I approach the garage. I can hear a machine spinning inside. I rap on the window. 'What's the password?' she says.
<p>[['Purple monkey dishwasher.']]
<p>[['I'm your best friend, please let me in?']]</p>
Steph turns off the machine and she comes over and presses her face against the window. 'Oh my god. It's you!' She swings the door open and almost tackles me to the ground. 'What a lovely surprise,' she says, embracing me.
<p>'How are you?' she says. 'It's been forever.'
<p>'Yeah,' I say. 'Too long.' I pause and look through the door into the garage. 'What are you working on?'
<p>'Oh, just a new vase.'
<p>'Can I see it?'
<p>Steph nods and leads me into the garage. It's dimly lit and looks like a small village recently decimated by a tornado. Tools are scattered over bench tops, half-finished bowls and vases lie everywhere. The floor is littered with cardboard boxes and slabs of clay.
<p>'How do you work in this...squalor?' I say with a grin.
<p>'Well of course <em>you'd</em> say that. There's not a sock out of place in your apartment.'
<p>'It's not just me Steph,' I say. 'That rat over there just nodded in agreement.'
<p>Steph snorts. 'Okay, shut up and look at my vase you jerk.'
<p>I walk over to one of the bench tops and peer at the vase. It's tall and slender and has an exquisite lattice like pattern etched into it. 'It's lovely,' I say.
<p>'Really, no snide remarks?'
<p>I look up to my left for a moment. 'Nope, fresh out.' <<if $fired is true>><p>I stare at the vase a little while longer. 'So I got fired.'
<p>'What?' Steph says, raising her hand to her mouth. 'Really?'
<p>I nod. 'I told Larry what I really thought.'
<p>'Oh god. You can never do that.'
<p>I shrug. 'I could have my job again tomorrow if I wanted.'
<p>Steph raises an eyebrow.
<p>'I'll explain later,' I say. 'Don't suppose you want to go do something with me?'
<p>'Of course,' Steph says. 'What good is choosing your own hours if you can't help out a friend in need.' She pauses. 'What did you have in mind?'</p><<else>><p>I stare at the vase a little while longer. 'Don't suppose you want to go do something with me?'
<p>'Don't you have work?' Steph says
<p>'I'm not going in today,' I say.
<p>'Are you feeling sick or something?'
<p>'Sick of working in finance, yes.' I pause. 'So, how about it?'
<p>'What did you have in mind?'</p><</if>><p>'We could go [[explore the city]] like we used to,' I say. 'Or we could finally [[do some painting together]]. We've been saying we would do that for like five years now.'</p>
I hear Steph cracking up. She has a special, contagious laugh that only a robot could resist. She also has a tendency of snorting when she finds something particularly funny. 'Haven't heard that one in a while,' she says with a little snort. She turns off the machine and swings the door open. She almost tackles me to the ground. 'What a lovely surprise,' she says, embracing me.
<p>'How are you?' she says. 'It's been forever.'
<p>'Yeah,' I say. 'Too long.' I pause and look through the door into the garage. 'What are you working on?'
<p>'Oh, just a new vase.'
<p>'Can I see it?'
<p>Steph nods and leads me into the garage. It's dimly lit and looks like a small village recently decimated by a tornado. Tools are scattered over bench tops, half-finished bowls and vases lie everywhere. The floor is littered with cardboard boxes and slabs of clay.
<p>'How do you work in this...squalor?' I say with a grin.
<p>'Well of course <em>you'd</em> say that. There's not a sock out of place in your apartment.'
<p>'It's not just me Steph,' I say. 'That rat over there just nodded in agreement.'
<p>Steph snorts. 'Okay, shut up and look at my vase you jerk.'
<p>I walk over to one of the bench tops and peer at the vase. It's tall and slender and has an exquisite lattice like pattern etched into it. 'It's lovely,' I say.
<p>'Really, no snide remarks?'
<p>I look up to my left for a moment. 'Nope, fresh out.' <<if $fired is true>><p>I stare at the vase a little while longer. 'So I got fired.'
<p>'What?' Steph says, raising her hand to her mouth. 'Really?'
<p>I nod. 'I told Larry what I really thought.'
<p>'Oh god. You can never do that.'
<p>I shrug. 'I could have my job again tomorrow if I wanted.'
<p>Steph raises an eyebrow.
<p>'I'll explain later,' I say. 'Don't suppose you want to go do something with me?'
<p>'Of course,' Steph says. 'What good is choosing your own hours if you can't help out a friend in need.' She pauses. 'What did you have in mind?'</p><<else>><p>I stare at the vase a little while longer. 'Don't suppose you want to go do something with me?'
<p>'Don't you have work?' Steph says
<p>'I'm not going in today,' I say.
<p>'Are you feeling sick or something?'
<p>'Sick of working in finance, yes.' I pause. 'So, how about it?'
<p>'What did you have in mind?'</p><</if>><p>'We could go [[explore the city]] like we used to,' I say. 'Or we could finally [[do some painting together]]. We've been saying we would do that for like five years now.'</p>
Steph runs upstairs, changes clothes, and grabs her bag. We walk to the bus stop around the corner and wait for the next bus. Steph lights up a cigarette and takes a drag. She offers it to me but I shake my head.
<p>'How are you and Melissa?' she asks.
<p>'Um,' I say.
<p>'That good huh?' Steph blows a cloud of smoke into the air above her.
<p>'It's fine,' I say. 'I mean, I really love her.' I pause, searching for the right words. 'I'm just...stuck in a very difficult spot at the moment.'
<p>Steph nods. 'I know what you mean.'
<p>Actually, I don't think you do, I think to myself. But this isn't the time to go into that. I just want to have a fun adventure with my best friend.
<p>'We'll work it out,' I say. I wrack my brain trying to think of Steph's boyfriend's name. James? Lenny? Andrew? No, Andy, that's it. 'How are you and Andy doing?'
<p>Steph takes another drag and shakes her head. 'Oh we broke up about three weeks ago.'
<p>'What?' I say, genuinely surprised. They had only been dating for six months or so, but she really seemed to like him. 'Why didn't you call me?'
<p>Steph shrugs. 'You know me. I like to get through these things on my own.'
<p>I regard her for a moment. 'Just how much whisky, ice cream, and <em>Gilmore Girls</em> was involved?'
<p>Steph snorts. 'You don't know me. You don't know my story.'
<p>Steph finishes her cigarette and stubs it out on the bin. 'Where the hell is this bus?' she says.
<p>'Classic Brisbane,' I say.<<set $random to random(1,9)>>
<p>Ten minutes later the bus arrives and we catch it through to the Cultural Centre.
<p>'How does this work again?' Steph asks.
<p>'Okay,' I say. 'So we take the last digit of the time when we arrived at the Cultural Centre and that's how many stops we have to catch the next bus that comes through the station.' I look up at the clock. 'So it's 11:3<<print $random>> right now, which means we have to catch the next bus <<print $random>> stops.'
<p>Steph giggles. 'I missed this.'
<p>The next bus that pulls into the station is the <<print either("453 to Mount Ommaney","66 to UQ Lakes","199 to West End", "111 to Eight Mile Plains", "222 to Carindale", "220 to Wynnum", "555 to the Hyperdome")>>. We hop on and [[take a seat]] near the back of the bus.
</p>
<<set $andy to true>>
Steph runs upstairs, changes clothes, and grabs her bag. We drive to West End, to a small warehouse that artists are constantly using for weird and wonderful things. Sometimes exhibitions, sometimes amateur theatre productions, and sometimes, like today, it's open for people to come in and work on anything they like. We park outside and walk up to the entrance. Steph stops outside the large, open roller door and turns towards me. 'Now, you have to promise me something alright?' she says.
<p>'What?' I say.
<p>'You have to promise that you won't get frustrated or down on yourself if it's not perfect straight away.'
<p>I shrug and try to laugh it off. 'Sure.'
<p>'Okay,' she smiles.
<p>We go inside and sign in. We are in this large open space surrounded by wooden pallets. The concrete floor is stained with different coloured paint.
<p>A middle aged woman wearing feather earrings arrives a few minutes later and sits with us. She sets up an easel and starts painting a landscape. I turn to my easel and start painting a little boy in a space helmet sitting on Mars. I keep glancing over at the woman's landscape. She's far better than me. I spend the better part of an hour working on the painting and then get frustrated with it and throw it away. Steph comes over and sits with me. <p>'You're too fucking hard on yourself,' she says.
<p>'I just want it to be good,' I say.
<p>'No.' She shakes her head. 'You want it to be perfect.'
<p>I sigh and look away.
<p>'Art, pottery, writing, whatever creative activity,' Steph says. 'They exist outside of perfection.' Steph gives me a look that commands my attention. 'I've been making bowls and vases and sculptures for almost ten years and you know what? I still haven't made a perfect one. Because it doesn't exist. There is no novel written or album recorded or painting that is perfect. The beauty of art is in the imperfections.'
<p>I sit for a while and think about her words.
<p>'I know how deeply ingrained in you this is,' Steph says. 'It was that bloody father of yours. You were always trying to make him proud, trying to impress him and nothing was ever good enough...'
<p>I don't say a word.
<p>'Just think about it is all I'm asking,' Steph says.
<p>We finish the painting class at 5 pm. The sun is just starting to scorch the horizon as we leave the warehouse. We walk down the street and [[grab a coffee]] at a cafe overlooking the Brisbane River. </p>
<<set $paint to true>>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I get up and have a nice hot shower and watch as Willow does the same thing as the previous days, appear in the doorway, stare at me, and then disappear like some sort of otherworldly spirit.
<p>When I'm finished with my shower I wander casually over to my wardrobe and fling the doors open. I stare at my work uniform for a while and then remove it. I look around the living room and then at the large, rectangular window in the lounge room overlooking the unit complex swimming pool. I yank the window open, take one final look at my work uniform and toss it out. It sails down and splashes into the pool. A sense of relief floods through me. It's just a stupid uniform but throwing it away fills me with such joy. I made the decision to quit my job, and if I choose to, I never have to go into the office ever again. But that uniform is a link to that miserable place, an anchor that keeps pulling me back down to the bottom of the ocean.
<p>I shut the window and make myself some breakfast. While I'm pouring the milk Melissa calls. I should probably [[answer her call]]. Maybe it's time I tried to fix things between us. But what if I just make things worse? I haven't really got my shit together at the moment. Perhaps I should just [[ignore the call]] for now and take another day to myself. She'll call again tomorrow after all.
</p>
Steph stares out the window, watching the trees and buildings go by. 'It's nice,' she says. 'Leaving things completely up to chance.'
<p>She turns to me and I nod. I spend a while choosing my words. 'Chance, I think, is both beautiful and absolutely terrifying...somehow it complicates and simplifies things at the same time.' I pause and watch a bus pass us by. 'If we had chosen the bus we got on and picked the amount of stops it would still have been an adventure, but so much of the excitement and wonder would have been missing.'
<p>'Chance breaks the routines that we’ve created in our lives,' Steph says.
<p>'We could do that by choice as well.'
<p>'But so often we don't,' Steph says with a sigh. 'What do you mean by chance being complicated and simple at the same time?'
<p>'I think the complication comes from the unknown. Not knowing what to expect, having to adapt. We have no idea where we are going. No idea what type of place it will be or where we will eat lunch. It's complicated. But there's excitement in that unknown. On the other hand...it's simple because we don't have any agency. The universe is making the decisions for us. You just have to hope that the universe will be good to you. It could give you cancer or get you run over by a bus. But it could also give you a fifty dollar note in an elevator or a meeting with the love of your life.'
<p>'Do you think that chance and choice are in conflict?'
<p>I think about Steph's question for some time before giving an answer. 'Not always, but often.'
<p>I search my mind for the right anecdote. 'My mum met my dad in a hostel while she was backpacking in Germany in 1991.' I pause. 'Imagine if she had stayed in a different hostel or even booked a few days later. She never would have met my father, and we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.'
<p>We are both silent for a while. I look outside the bus and notice that we are close to our stop. 'I think this is us,' I say. I press the red plastic button and we [[get off the bus]].</p>
The bus stop we get off at is old and decrepit, like a forgotten toy from a childhood long past. We walk down the main road until Steph sees a house that she fancies down one of the connecting streets. We walk down and check it out. She tells me all about it: the design, the materials, she estimates when it was built, the works. She studied architecture for a year at uni, but found that it wasn't her thing.
<p>After inspecting the house we continue on down the road. It is a very pleasing road with no kerbs. Just bitumen that fades into grass. It excites me for some reason. I think it reminds me of childhood. Not specifically my childhood, but an archetypal childhood. The type you see in American movies or read about in books where kids live in suburbs and ride their bikes to the corner store for a milkshake or a paper bag filled with lollies.
<p>'Do you remember how this all started?' I say.
<p>'This?' Steph says. She mockingly gestures all around us. 'Do you mean the universe?' she smirks.
<p>'No, I mean our chance adventures.'
<p>Steph purses her lips and thinks for a while then shakes her head.
<p>'We were in high school, year 11 or 12, I don't remember which, and we were walking home from school one afternoon. It was a very straightforward walk back to your house: down the main street for about a kilometer then turn right up the big hill and your house was on the top of the hill to the left.'
<p>'That's right,' Steph said. 'I walked those boring old streets every damn day. I got sick of doing the same thing over and over.'
<p>I nod. 'You told me that and I suggested that we flip a coin to decide which roads we would take. Left for tails and right for heads. There was a chance that we could take the exact same path that we normally took, but there was also a chance we would end up somewhere completely different and new.'
<p>'That's right!' Steph says. 'We ended up on some farm ages away from my house. Mum and Dad were so pissed.'
<p>I laugh and we keep walking. At the end of the street we come to a fork in the road. One road is lined with jacaranda trees and nice houses. The other has a tyre swing half way up the road and a beautiful looking church at the end.
<p>'Tough choice,' Steph says.
<p>I nod and pull out a twenty cent piece. 'How about it?'
<p>'I think chance has had a pretty decent say today,' Steph says. 'How about we take this one?' </p>
[[Take the road with the jacarandas]]
[[Take the road with the church]]
We take the road to the right. Steph bends down and scoops up a handful of jacaranda flowers off the grass and throws them in the air above us. The purple flowers rain down upon us. One gets stuck in my hair and Steph laughs.
<p>Steph picks up a single flower and places it behind her ear. 'I wonder what would have happened if we had gone down the other street?' Steph says.
<p>I shrug. 'Who knows?'
<p>I look up at the jacaranda and notice that half of the branches are bare, the flowers all fallen to the ground. I think about how they will grow again next year and then fall to the ground again. A never ending cycle. I look at Steph who is inspecting another of the houses.
<p>'So there's something I need to tell you,' I say.
<p>'No. You're a robot and the real you died fifteen years ago?' She says. 'No, you've developed the ability to read minds?'
<p>I laugh. 'It's going to sound about that crazy, though.'
<p>Steph's eyes widen. 'Holy shit. You really can read minds can't you? What am I thinking right now?'
<p>'I keep living the same day over and over. I'm stuck in some kind of time loop where it's always the 12th of bloody February.'
<p>Steph's eyes widen. <em>'What?'</em>
<p>I shrug. 'I know...'
<p>'You're fucking with me right?'
<p>'No.'
<p>Steph is silent for a while. 'So it's kind of like that movie <em>Groundhog Day</em>?'
<p>'I don't know,' I say. 'I've never seen it.'
<p>'Hold the fucking phone. You've never seen <em>Groundhog Day</em>?'
<p>'That's right.'
<p>Steph shakes her head. 'It's about this weatherman played by Bill Murray right‐'
<p>'Sounds riveting.'
<p>'Let me finish. So he travels with his film crew to a small town in America to cover this festival called Groundhog Day. Anyway he gets stuck in this time loop that repeats over and over for almost the entire film. He tries everything to get out of it. Even tries killing himself.'
<p>'And so how does he get out of the loop in the end?'
<p>Steph pauses and thinks for a while. 'Shit. I haven't seen it in like 10 years. I forget.'
<p>I laugh. 'Well anyway that's some movie. This is my life.'
<p>Steph nods.
<p>I stare at her for a while. 'So you believe me?'
<p>'I don't know...' Steph shrugs. 'It's a lot to take in.'
<p>'Yeah, I guess so...' I say. I shut my eyes and sigh. 'I just wish I could make you believe me.'
<p>Steph falls silent for a moment. 'Look,' she says. 'I might not believe it...but I believe that you do. And that's enough for me.'
<p>I look at her and frown. 'The worst part is that come tomorrow you won't even remember any of this.'
<p>Steph looks into my eyes and smiles. 'Just tell me tomorrow morning and we can have some fun with it.' Her eyes light up. 'We can go win the lottery or something.'
<p>I nod. 'For the record,' I say. 'What were you thinking, when you thought I could read minds?'
<p>Steph smiles and nods, knowingly. 'Sudanese Monkey Tornado.'
<p>'Huh?'
<p>I don't know,' Steph shrugs. 'First three words that came into my head.'
<p>'Right...I thought I was supposed to be the one losing my mind.'
<p>'Oh shut it, you.' She nudges me. 'See you [[tomorrow|tomorrow5]].'</p>
We take the road to the left. Steph runs up to the tyre swing and gets on. The tyre is fixed to a large Moreton Bay Fig tree with thick brown rope. She asks me to push her and I oblige.
<p>'Just like old times,' she says. 'I remember we used to do this for hours...'
<p>I keep pushing her and she closes her eyes and pretends to be flying. 'I wonder what would have happened if we had gone down the other street?' Steph says.
<p>I shrug. 'Who knows?'
<p>We keep talking to the end of the street and look up at the old church building. Steph tells me a little about the architecture and then we head inside. Everything is so quiet and neatly ordered. Not a thing out of place. A few people are sitting on the long wooden benches praying, others are lighting a candle to the left side of the room. We stay a while, mostly looking at the architecture. An old woman shoots us a filthy look. <em>Bloody church tourists</em>, her look seems to say.
<p>'It's worse than a bloody library in there,' I say, the moment we leave. 'Did you see that old lady?'
<p>Steph laughs. We keep walking along the adjoining road until we reach a couple of shops. There is a hairdresser, a butcher, and a fish and chip store.
<p>'Oh my god,' Steph says. 'I haven't had fish and chips for so long.'
<p>'Me neither,' I say. We order a couple of pieces of fish and a large serve of chips. 'Do you remember that camping trip we went on to Boreen Point?'
<p>'Yeah, that was fun. I think that was the time we found that fallen down tree and used it to make a little shelter.'
<p>'That's right,' Steph says. 'We went around and found lots of tree branches and laid them against the fallen tree to make the skeleton of the shelter.'
<p>'And then we peeled off a bunch of paperbark for the roof. I remember we even tested it in the rain and it worked really well.'
<p>'Damn we were clever,' Steph says.
<p>'Yeah,' I say. 'What happened?'
<p>We both laugh. A short while later our food arrives and we start eating.
<p>'I think,' Steph says with a mouthful of fish. 'I think that was also the trip when we caught Harry.'
<p>[[I stop eating]]. </p>
Steph orders a flat white and I order a cappuccino. We look out over the Brisbane River and watch the sun slowly setting on the horizon. I see people on their bicycles riding home from work and there is a CityCat speeding along the river towards Saint Lucia. Endless cycles, destined to repeat every day.
<p>I turn back to Steph. 'So there's something I need to tell you,' I say.
<p>'You're an alien sent from another planet to spy on us humans, and your twenty seven year mission has finally come to an end?' Steph pauses. 'No, you've developed the ability to read minds?'
<p>I laugh. 'It's going to sound crazy.'
<p>Steph's eyes widen. 'Holy shit. You really can read minds can't you? What am I thinking right now?'
<p>'I keep living the same day over and over. I'm stuck in some kind of time loop where it's always the 12th of bloody February.'
<p>Steph's eyes widen. <em>'What?'</em>
<p>I shrug. 'I know...'
<p>'You're fucking with me right?'
<p>'No.'
<p>Steph is silent for a while. 'So it's kind of like that movie <em>Groundhog Day</em>?'
<p>'I don't know,' I say. 'I've never seen it.'
<p>'Hold the fucking phone. You've never seen <em>Groundhog Day</em>?'
<p>'That's right.'
<p>Steph shakes her head. 'It's about this weatherman played by Bill Murray right‐'
<p>'Sounds riveting.'
<p>'Let me finish. So he travels with his film crew to a small town in America to cover this festival called Groundhog Day. Anyway he gets stuck in this time loop that repeats over and over for almost the entire film. He tries everything to get out of it. Even tries killing himself.'
<p>'And so how does he get out of the loop in the end?'
<p>Steph pauses and thinks for a while. 'Shit. I haven't seen it in like 10 years. I forget.'
<p>I laugh. 'Well anyway that's some movie. This is my life.'
<p>Steph nods.
<p>I stare at her for a while. 'So you believe me?'
<p>'I don't know...' Steph shrugs. 'It's a lot to take in.'
<p>'Yeah, I guess so...' I say. I shut my eyes and sigh. 'I just wish I could make you believe me.'
<p>Steph falls silent for a moment. 'Look,' she says. 'I might not believe it...but I believe that you do. And that's enough for me.'
<p>I look at her and frown. 'The worst part is that come tomorrow you won't even remember any of this.'
<p>Steph looks into my eyes and smiles. 'Just tell me tomorrow morning and we can have some fun with it.' Her eyes light up. 'We can go win the lottery or something.'
<p>I nod. 'For the record,' I say. 'What were you thinking, when you thought I could read minds?'
<p>Steph smiles and nods, knowingly. 'Sudanese Monkey Tornado.'
<p>'Huh?'
<p>I don't know,' Steph shrugs. 'First three words that came into my head.'
<p>'Right...I thought I was supposed to be the one losing my mind.'
<p>'Oh shut it, you.' She nudges me. 'See you [[tomorrow|tomorrow5]].' </p>
Whenever we went on our trips my father would take us fishing, not that we ever wanted to go, or he would go out by himself to lay traps to catch a lobster. This particular trip he
caught a big red lobster. Steph and I thought it was really cute. We played with it and gave it a name, Harry.
<p>The next day my father threw a large pot on the fire and started boiling some water. He said we were going to eat Harry. I begged my father not to kill him. I said that I would keep him as a pet. It wouldn't be a problem. I would even pay for his food out of my own pocket money. But he wouldn't listen. He waited until the water had boiled and then put poor Harry inside. He was still alive. Needless to say, neither Steph or I ate any lobster that night, and I have never touched it since. I may as well be allergic. I remember going to sleep that night, absolutely livid with my father. How could he do such a thing? I remember wanting him dead. I was so angry. I didn't speak to him for a long time. When we got home from the trip I would only talk to my mother and she would relay what I had said to my father.
<p>'Fuck,' I say. 'I had [[completely blocked that out]].'</p>
'Sorry,' Steph says with a frown. We finish our meal in silence. Afterwards we go and sit on a park bench and watch the clouds float by.
<p>'I never realised how much pent up anger I have towards him.'
<p>'Your father?'
<p>I nod. 'He was always good to my mother, I can't deny that. And I'm a hell of a lot luckier than some kids. He never beat me or anything like that.'
<p>'Not physically,' Steph says.
<p>'He was just always so tough on me...and I don't know why.'
<p>Steph lights up a cigarette and takes a drag. 'Maybe he was trying to toughen you up for the big bad world?'
<p>I shrug. 'Well it didn't work. I still cry at the end of <em>Milo and Otis</em>.'
<p>Steph laughs. 'I hate the idea of being tough. I think it's much better to go through life being sensitive and self-aware. Your father made a very successful career for himself being tough. But he paid the price. He was never able to have a strong connection with you.'
<p>'I wonder if he even cares?'
<p>'I'm sure he does, deep down.' Steph puts her hand on mine. 'You should talk to him.'
<p>A shiver gushes down my spine just thinking about trying to have a real conversation with my father.
<p>Steph finishes her cigarette and we walk slowly back up the street to the bus stop. We catch the bus back to the Cultural Centre and then transfer onto another bus to her house. I walk her to her door and hug her goodbye.
<p>'I had such a great day,' Steph says opening her front door. 'We should do it again soon.'
<p>I think about telling her about the time loop. But it's been a long day and I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. Maybe I'll [[do it tomorrow]]. </p>
I take a deep breath and answer Melissa's call.
<p>'Hello?' she says.
<p>'Hey...' I say.
<p>'How are you going?' she asks.
<p>'I...I'm not sure. Something really weird is going on Melissa.'
<p>'Weird how?'
<p>'Can we meet somewhere?'
<p>'I've got to be at work in an hour, but I could meet you for like five or ten minutes at our usual spot?'
<p>'Thanks,' I say. 'See you there.'
<p>I hang up the phone, chuck on a pair of jeans and a t‐shirt. Standing in the elevator is the man with the tie‐dyed shirt and the dreadlocks. He smiles at me and I sigh.
<p>'Good day for the race,' he says.
<p>'Yeah, yeah,' I say. 'The human race. Get a new joke.'
<p>The man's smile fades and he turns away from me, muttering something to himself. The elevator arrives at the carpark and the doors open. 'I'm sorry,' I say, touching his shoulder. 'I'm just having a bad day.'
<p>I get out of the elevator and find my dusty old Subaru. I wait for the engine to warm up before going anywhere. As I leave the carpark I see a flash of lightning in the sky and hear the rain ricocheting off the roof of my car. I drive to our favourite cafe and park on the street outside. Melissa arrives about five minutes later. She is wearing her work uniform: a black dress and matching heels. Her long brown hair is blowing wildly in the temperamental Brisbane air. We get a table and order a couple of coffees. 'What's going on?' she says as soon as the waitress leaves. </p>
[[Try and mend things between you]]
<<if $loopmel is true>>[[Tell her about the time loop|tomorrow2]]<<else>>[[Tell her about the time loop]]<</if>>
I let the call go to my voicemail. I need more time. I finish my breakfast and catch the elevator down to the carpark. I start my car and make my way to the exit where I sit in idle for a moment, deciding what to do with my day. Should I go [[visit Steph again|Visit Steph again]]? Maybe we'll have more luck this time. Or maybe [[Byron|Escape to Byron]] is the answer after all. Maybe if I get far enough away the loop will be broken?
I pull into Steph's driveway and notice that the light in the garage isn't on. She must not have started work yet. I park my car and walk upstairs. I knock on her front door. 'Just a second,' I hear her call out. I hear her running down the hallway and a moment later the door creaks open.
<p>'Oh my god. It's you!' she swings the door open and almost tackles me to the ground. 'What a lovely surprise,' she says, embracing me.
<p>'How are you?' she says. 'It's been forever.'
<p>'Yeah,' I say. 'Too long.'
<p>We stand there for a moment in silence, Steph just staring at me with a big smile on her face. 'Come in!' she says, leading me into her house. I take a seat on her peeling leather lounge. It's definitely seen better days, but it's comfortable as hell, and Steph is super proud of it because she found it on the side of the road. A lot of Steph's furniture is like that. Every year when the council has the kerbside collection she hires a trailer and goes around collecting bits and bobs. Sometimes she uses them as is, like the lounge, and other times she will fix them up a bit or turn them into something else entirely.
<p>'I was just making a cup of tea,' she says. 'Would you like some?'
<p>I nod and she makes her way to the kitchen and pours the tea. I look around the living room and notice that the photostrip of her and Andy is missing from the side of the bookshelf. They went to one of those silly photobooths on their second date and pulled a bunch of stupid faces together.
<p>Steph comes back with two cups of tea. She places one in front of me on an old, scratched up wooden coffee table, another of Steph's roadside aquisitions.
<p>I take a sip of my tea. 'What is that?'
<p>'White Jasmine,' Steph says. 'Do you like it?'
<p>I nod. I take another sip and lean back against the lounge. I let out a long sigh.
<p>'Is everything okay?' Steph asks.
<p>I look at her and give her a weak smile. '[[There's something I need to tell you]],' I say.</p>
'You're going to become a monk?' She says. 'No, you've developed the ability to read minds?'
<p>I laugh. 'It's going to sound fucking crazy.'
<p>Steph's eyes widen. 'Holy shit. You really can read minds can't you? What am I thinking right now?'
<p>'I keep living the same day over and over. I'm stuck in some kind of time loop where it's always the 12th of bloody February.'
<p>Steph's eyes widen. <em>'What?'</em>
<p>I shrug. 'I know...'
<p>'You're fucking with me right?'
<p>'I honestly wish I was...'
<p>She's silent for a while. 'So it's like <em>Groundhog Day</em>?'
<p>'The one with Bill Murray?' I say.
<p>'Yeah,' Steph says. 'Brilliant movie.'
<p>I stare at Steph for a while. 'So you believe me?'
<p>'I don't know...' Steph shrugs. 'It's a lot to take in.'
<p>'Okay,' I say. I pause to think. 'I know that you're working on a vase downstairs. It's tall and thin. It has a lattice pattern on it.'
<p>'Okay,' Steph says, nodding slowly.
<p>'Just before, when you asked me what you were thinking,' I say. 'It was three words: <em>Sudanese Monkey Tornado</em>.'
<p>Steph's mouth drops open. 'Holy crap! You weren't joking.' She falls silent for a minute or two and then her eyes light up. 'We should have some fun with this, like win the lottery or something.'
<p>I laugh. 'You said the same thing yesterday.'
<p>'Damn, I hate being predictable,' Steph says. She finishes her tea. 'But still, it's a good idea right? If I'm not mistaken, there is a 40 Million Dollar Gold Lotto being draw this afternoon.'
<p>'We wouldn't be able to keep the money because tomorrow everything resets,' I say.
<p>'So what? We can blow it all today!' Steph says. 'Picture this, the most expensive and delicious steak you've ever had, then a private helicopter flight to some five star resort in the Whitsundays. We'll have Champagne and caviar. We can pay people to massage our feet!'
<p>I can't help but smile. 'You seem to have thought about this a lot,' I say. 'I don't want to burst your bubble, but I'm pretty sure it would take more than one business day to process that amount of money.'
<p>Steph nods. 'You're right.' She pauses and I can see the cogs working in her head. 'What about the races at Doomben? I know there's one on this afternoon. I have a friend going.' Steph smiles. 'Or we could scrap the whole gambling thing and just fly to Melbourne for the day.'
<p>'Today?' I say. 'The tickets would be insanely expensive.'
<p>'If everything resets tomorrow it won't matter will it?'
<p>I nod. 'True.' </p>
[[Head to the Doomben races|the races at Doomben]]
[[Fly to Melbourne]]
Steph changes into a purple dress and we get going. It's a ten minute drive to Doomben from Steph's house. As soon as we leave her driveway she winds down her window and lights up a cigarette. She takes a long drag and offers it to me. I shake my head.
<p>'How are you and Melissa?' Steph asks, her hair blowing in the wind.
<p>'Um,' I say.
<p>'That good huh?' Steph blows a cloud of smoke out the window.
<p>'I really love her,' I say. 'I mean I want to have a family with her...but it's just going to take some time...'
<p>Steph nods and takes another puff of her cigarette. <<if $andy is true>><p>'I'm sorry about you and Andy,' I say.
<p>'Huh? I didn't tell you...oh, right time powers.' She pauses.
<p>I smile. 'Sorry.'
<p>'How much do you know exactly?' she says.
<p>'About the breakup or in general?'
<p>'The breakup.'
<p>'I know that it happened three weeks ago, that you were dating for roughly six months...and that there was a fair bit of whisky, ice cream, and <em>Gilmore Girls</em> involved post breakup.'
<p>Steph just stares at me, mouth open. 'Wow.'</p><<else>><p>'How are you and Andy doing?' I pause. 'I noticed your photostrip is gone...'
<p>Steph takes another drag and shakes her head. 'Oh we broke up about three weeks ago.'
<p>'What?' I say, genuinely surprised. They had only been dating for six months or so, but she really seemed to like him. 'Why didn't you call me?'
<p>Steph shrugs. 'You know me. I like to get through these things on my own.'
<p>I regard her for a moment. 'Just how much whisky, ice cream, and <em>Gilmore Girls</em> was involved?'
<p>Steph snorts. 'You don't know me. You don't know my story.'
<p>Steph finishes her cigarette and throws the butt out the window. I frown at her.</p><</if>><p>We arrive in Doomben and find a park near the racecourse. The place is buzzing with people dressed to the nines. Steph blends right in but I stand out like a sore thumb, wearing the clothes I usually save for around the house. Oh well, they'll never even know I was here anyway.
<p>We take a seat near the front of the stands and watch the races. Steph fishes a pen and paper out of her purse and writes down the odds of the horses and the winner of each race. We buy a glass of Champagne each and enjoy the excited rumble of the punters. I look around at the mass of people and wonder how many have actually come to place bets, and how many are
just there to have fun, or be seen.
<p>At the end of the day, Steph hands me the sheet of paper. She has underlined two races in red where the winning horse had substantial odds against it. 'We could make a pretty penny putting our money on one of those horses,' she says.
<p>I read the names on the paper and chuckle. 'Voodoo Blue Magic and Mister Booze. Shouldn't have any problem remembering those names.'
<p>Steph looks at me and smiles. 'Now all you have to do [[tomorrow|races2]] is convince me to blow my life savings on a whim.'</p>
After I finish my meal I get changed into some swimmers I found in my car and walk down to the beach. The wind ruffles my hair as I walk across the warm sand. There is a group of guys playing cricket on the beach and the ball narrowly misses my head as it whizzes by. A handful of kids on boogie boards come in on a small wave and further out a bunch of people on surf boards, paddling around, wait for the perfect wave.
<p>I ditch my stuff by the lifeguard flag and approach the wet sand to dip my feet in the water. As usual, it's a lot colder than I anticipate; a shiver shoots up my spine. I shake it off and push myself forwards. The waves lap at my legs and crotch and I cringe.
<p>'It's just like a band‐aid...' I whisper to myself.
<p>I take three short breaths and then dive in. At first it's freezing but after I paddle around for a minute it's nice. All of my love for the beach comes flooding back to me. Mum used to take me quite a bit when I was little. Dad was always too busy with work, and I didn't want to go with him anyway. Mum actually took me to this very beach once or twice. I remember she would sit up on the sand in her swimmers and read a book. I would ask her when she was coming in and she would always say, 'Just after this chapter.'
<p>I wade around in the shallow water for a bit but soon grow tired of it and swim out to the deep water. There are a group of people in their mid to late twenties huddled around in a circle, bobbing up and down with the waves. They are chatting to one another, splashing each other, laughing, and occasionally when the ocean swells and a big wave rises up they bodysurf it into shore.
<p>I watch them for a while and try to catch one of the big waves myself. Unfortunately the current is stronger than I anticipate and it slams me on the sand beneath the water. For a moment I'm dizzy and I start panicking, not knowing which way is up. I kick to the surface a few seconds later and cough up a lungful of salt water.
<p>'Damn,' I hear a girl's voice say. 'That one was hectic.'
<p>I open my eyes and see a girl with short, bleached blonde hair, full lips, and a septum piercing.
<p>'Did you get dunked as well?' I ask.
<p>'Yep.' She smiles.
<p>'Big one coming,' a guy with long brown hair calls out. Behind us a wave starts to rise and gain momentum. Everyone in the group gets ready. The girl with the short blonde hair raises herself up to catch it and I see a tattoo of Jupiter on her triceps.</p>
[[Catch the wave]]
[[Swim underneath]]
<<set $beach to true>>
<<set $byron to true>>
I take the long, winding road up the hill. The narrow road is surrounded by vast green bushes and tall, thin tree trunks, which provide glimpses of the rolling ocean below.
<p>Near the top of the hill is a carpark. I find a spot in the shade and lock my car. I cross the road and stand with a group of other tourists to take in the view of Tallows Beach. The pale caramel sand stretches out towards the horizon in an effortless arc. The shape reminds me of a croissant, and I'm suddenly disappointed that I didn't order one for breakfast. The wind is roaring and the waves down on the beach look massive. I can make out a group of surfers paddling out to catch the waves. I lived with a surfer once. He described being out on the ocean to me with such passion and eloquence. He called the ocean his 'church'.
<p>'Excuse me,' a Japanese woman says with smile. 'Could you take our picture?'
<p>'Of course,' I say.
<p>She passes me her camera and I briefly orientate myself with the buttons before taking a few photos of the woman and her family.
<<if $beach is true>><p>They all thank me and start walking up the footpath towards the lighthouse. There's something drawing me there as well. I [[follow them]] up the hill.</p><<elseif $fired is true>><p>They all thank me and start walking up the footpath towards the lighthouse. There is a part of me that wants to [[follow them]], to walk the spiral staircase and bask in the glory of being on top of the world. On top of Byron at least. But as I glance back down at the beach, and the rocks at the bottom of the cliff I am suddenly struck by an exciting thought. All of the stuff from my office is in the backseat of my car, stuff I'll probably never use again. If I take it home, it will just clutter up my apartment. What if I just [[throw it off the cliff]] instead?</p><<else>><p>They all thank me and start walking up the footpath towards the lighthouse. There is a part of me that wants to [[follow them]], to walk the spiral staircase and bask in the glory of being on top of the world. On top of Byron at least. But as I glance back, I feel a magnetic pull towards the ocean. Maybe I'll drive back to the beach and [[go for a swim|go for a swim 2]]. I can always come back later...the lighthouse isn't going anywhere.</p><</if>>
<<set $byron to true>>
I paddle up next to her and we wait for the wave to rise to its apex.
<p>'Now,' she yells and starts paddling frantically with the wave.
<p>We catch it just right and the force of the water carries us halfway into shore. Afterwards, she stands up, closes her eyes and screams, like a wolf howling at the moon. Her friends close their eyes and howl as well. Feeling a little silly, but caught up in the moment, I join in.
<p>She takes a deep breath, runs her fingers through her blonde hair and sprints back out. I chase after her, a big smile on my face.
<p>'Hey, what's your name?' I ask, when we are waiting for the next wave.
<p>'Quinn,' she says.
<p>I tell her my name and we catch a few more waves together. About a half hour later we make our way <<if $lighthouse is true>>back<</if>>into shore and collapse onto the sand. She sits and watches her friends catching waves, her green eyes full of life and joy. I find myself very attracted to her. I think of Melissa and a pang of guilt slithers through me, tightening my stomach.<<if $lighthouse is true>><p>Quinn bends down and digs through her stuff, removing a packet of cigarettes. She sits down next to me and offers me one but I shake my head. She takes out a cigarette, slips it between her big lips, and lights it with a Zippo in one, fluid motion. God, she's sexy.</p><<else>><p>Quinn walks up the beach a bit and finds her stuff. Her friends have left a big bonfire of clothes and bags in the middle of the beach. She bends down and digs through the stuff, removing a packet of cigarettes. She sits down next to me and offers me one but I shake my head. She takes out a cigarette, slips it between her big lips, and lights it with a Zippo in one, fluid motion. God, she's sexy.</p><</if>><p>'How long are you in Byron?' she asks.
<p>'Just today.'
<p>She nods slowly. 'And what's waiting back home?'
<p>I let out a long sigh. 'An office job that makes me hate myself.'
<p>'Oh yeah,' she laughs. 'I've been there.' She pauses. 'Used to work in admin for a dental clinic. Good hours, great pay, airconditioned office. But it was always the same shit day after day. I just had to get out; I was beginning to suffocate.'
<p>'What do you do now?'
<p>'I'm a drug dealer,' she says, her expression not changing.
<p>'Seriously?'
<p>She laughs. 'No...I travel around a lot, so I do lots of odd jobs. I'm working on a farm at the moment for rent and food.'
<p>Her friends start getting out of the water and she looks at me. 'We are gonna climb Mount Warning if you want to come,' she says. 'We'll probably get blazed up the top.' </p>
[[Climb Mount Warning]]
[[Drive up the coast and find Melissa]]
I take a deep breath and dive under the water. I open my eyes briefly and watch as she catches the wave above me and rides it into the shore.
<p>I slowly surface and hear everyone screaming, like wolves howling at the moon. When she's finished howling, the blonde girl runs back into the water and paddles back out to where I'm floating.
<p>'Wuss,' she says with a big grin.
<p>I frown. 'I wasn't ready.'
<p>She laughs.
<p>'I'll catch the next one for sure.'
<p>We wait until another wave rises and we catch it all the way into the shore. Exhilarated, I rush back out and we catch a few more waves together. About a half hour later we make our way into shore and collapse onto the sand. She sits and watches her friends catching waves, her green eyes full of life and joy. I find myself very attracted to her. I think of Melissa and a pang of guilt slithers through me, tightening my stomach.
<p>'I think I'm going to take off,' I say, getting up and brushing the sand off my swimmers. 'It was nice to meet you...'
<p>'Quinn,' she says with a smile. 'Peace out.'
<p>I unlock my car and hop in the driver's seat. It's only early afternoon and there's still so many things I could do in Byron. I could climb the [[lighthouse]]. But I'm feeling pretty out of sorts at the moment. I badly want to see Melissa. Maybe I should [[drive to her mum's place|Drive up the coast and find Melissa]] and try to mend things with her. </p>
We all pile into the back of some guy's van and start driving for Mount Warning. There is a queen mattress laid down in the back, which we are sitting on, and a bunch of other things like a guitar case, a stack of CDs, and several carboard boxes. There's eight of us packed in the back like sardines, Quinn squished up against me.
<p>The drive takes about an hour and as soon as the van stops everyone clambers out and starts getting ready. Most of the group have backpacks, which they stuff full of food and water.
<p>'Damn,' I say to no one in particular. 'I didn't bring a water bottle.'
<p>'Shnookums,' Quinn says.
<p>I frown and she gives me a wicked smile. 'You can share mine,' she says. She unclasps her aluminium water bottle and tosses it to me. 'Just no backwash.'
<p>The climb up is relatively easy. It's more like a bushwalk than a climb for the most part. The last section, however, is a bit more involved. There is an almost vertical wall of rocks that rise up about two hundred metres with a thick metal chain dangling down in front. Everyone looks up and there are a few nervous whispers before Mark, the guy with the long brown hair, flexes his biceps and grasps the chain. He climbs about ten feet up and then seemingly loses his balance and almost falls. A few people cry out in alarm, but he soon reveals that it was all a prank and everyone starts laughing, expect me.
<p>After Mark goes a small redheaded girl and then Quinn. I shuffle in after her and start climbing. The chain is easy to grip onto but it starts to hurt my hands after only a minute or so. But seeing as letting go isn't an option I hang tough and keep climbing. For most of the climb I am focusing on my hand holds and the rocks immediately in front of me, but every now and then I glance up to see how the people in front are going. I have a magnificent view of Quinn's behind from my position.
<p>When Mark reaches the top he lets out a triumphant sigh and then breaks into a howl. The rest of them start howling as well and I shake my head, completely out of the loop.
<p>Quinn reaches the top and I hear her let out a gasp.
<p>'Oh my God,' she says. 'It's gorgeous.'
<p>I reach the top of the chain and haul myself onto the top of the mountain. Exhausted, I collapse on the ground, panting and sweating profusely.
<p>'Bit out of shape love,' Mark says.
<p>'Oh shut up Mark, you drongo.' Quinn shakes her head and passes me her water bottle. 'Here. You look thirsty.'
<p>I gulp down some water and then stand to [[admire the view]]. </p>
It's early afternoon and the sun is hanging in the middle of the sky. I sit in the driver's seat and stare out the window, back at the beach. Quinn and her friends are packing up, getting ready to climb a mountain. As much as I want to do that, I can't. I have to find Melissa and make things right. I can't keep running away.
<p>I fire up my car and start driving. The sun fades not long after I leave Byron and soon the rain clouds loom above me once more.
<p>I flick my windscreen wipers on and think of Quinn. Those green eyes and big lips. She's gorgeous, and funny too. She seems intelligent as well, but I wouldn't know unless I spent more time with her.
<p>But she's not Melissa.
<p>She's always been the one. We met when we were both at uni. I was studying business and she was doing a dual degree in business and creative writing. I noticed her as soon as I walked into our tute room. Everyone in our class was dressed either smart casual or in business attire, as if our first ever class was in fact also a job interview. But not her. She was wearing a red dress and Doc Martens. I thought she was so cool, I almost expected her to light up a cigarette and pull out a skateboard from under the table. It took me a while to work up the courage to ask her to have lunch with me, but when I eventually did, she said yes. We flirted madly for about two weeks, until she asked me if I wanted to see her friend's band play one Saturday night. It was our first date and it couldn't have gone worse. My bus was late, her friend's band sucked, and I didn't get along with any of her girlfriends. Luckily though I got another chance.
<p>Our second date was much better. We got dinner in Southbank at the Spaghetti House and then saw a film. The safest date option there is. (Unless the date movie is <em>Snowtown</em>. I made that mistake once upon a time.)
<p>I pull up outside Melissa's mum's house and kill the engine. We have problems, yes. But nothing that can't be worked through. She's the one I want to spend my life with. The one I want to start a family with. One of these days the IVF will take, and all of this will be ancient history.
<p>I get out of the car and walk up the cobbled stone driveway. Through the kitchen window I can see Melissa and her mother at the kitchen table drinking red wine. I wonder if they're talking about me?
<p>I raise my fist and [[knock on the door]]. </p>
From the summit you can see everything. Hundreds of green hills, rising and falling like waves; sapphire blue rivers cutting through the trees, winding like serpents; and the Great Dividing Range stretching out into the distance, shrouded in a misty blue haze.
<p>It's been many years since I've been this isolated in nature. In my day to day life there is always either a computer, a footpath, or a Starbucks within touching distance.
<p>I watch Quinn gaze out at the mountain ranges, drinking them in with her big green eyes. After a while she breathes a sigh of contentment and then plonks herself on the ground. She opens her backpack and removes a homemade salad sandwich. My stomach grumbles and I realise that I don't have any food. She catches me eyeing off her sandwich and she laughs. She takes out another sandwich and passes it to me.
<p>'So where are you going after Byron?' I ask.
<p>'I don't really know yet,' she says. 'Always wanted to see Tasmania though. Might do that.'
<p>'Cool,' I say.
<p>Out of nowhere I feel a pang of jealousy in my gut. What a life it would be to travel around Australia and do whatever you want. I've always wanted to live like that, to travel from place to place on a whim, making friends and having new experiences. But I'm bound to Brisbane, now more so than ever. I have my job, my girlfriend, my stuff...I don't know, maybe it's all just an excuse because I'm scared about uprooting myself, not having a safety net to fall back on, not wanting to go out into the big wide world and have the opportunity to fail. Regardless, even if I could circumnavigate those fears, I'm doomed to repeat this day for God knows how long...
<p>We sit and chat for a long time, about family, about travel. Slowly the sun sets on the horizon, scorching it red and orange. By this time everyone is sitting around in a circle. Mark rolls a joint and lights it up.
<p>'How are we going to get down if it's dark?' I say to Quinn.
<p>Mark laughs. 'We're staying here till sunrise.' He pauses, taking a puff of the joint and then passes it to the guy next to him. 'But by all means you can go fumble around in the dark if you want.'
<p>Morning huh? I look around me. Grass, hard dirt, and rocks, not even McGyver could make a comfy bed out of that. But I don't say anything. I haven't stayed up past midnight yet, who knows, I might just pop out of existence and reappear in my bed tomorrow morning. I don't really know how this whole thing works.
<p>Quinn takes a long drag on the joint and passes it to me. I swallow dryly. I've never smoked weed before. Somehow I've made it all these years without trying it. Never felt like I needed to. But I feel the pressure now.
<p>'Take a puff or pass it on,' Mark says. </p>
[[Take a puff of the joint]]
[[Pass it on]]
I take a long drag and hold the smoke in my mouth until I start coughing. Everyone laughs except for Quinn. I hurriedly pass the joint to the girl next to me.
<p>'Let’s go for a walk,' Quinn says, getting up.
<p>We walk past a couple of tall, thin trees and stand at the far edge of the summit. It's dark now and the sky is flooded with thousands of stars.
<p>'First time smoking weed?' Quinn says.
<p>'What gave it away?'
<p>She laughs and moves closer to me. Her arm presses up against me and I can feel the warmth of her skin again mine. It's intoxicating. I turn around and her green eyes pierce my flesh, cutting straight through to my soul. Before I know it she's kissing me, her big soft lips sucking on mine. She slides her tongue into my mouth and for some reason I start laughing.
<p>'What?' she says, raising and eyebrow.
<p>'I don't know,' I say, slurring my words somewhat. 'Your tongue feels like a slug.'
<p>I start laughing and she shakes her head. 'Yep,' she says. 'Definitely first time.'
<p>I forget about the slug and we kiss for a while, passionately. I slide my hand under her shirt and fondle her small, supple breasts. She unbuttons my jeans and runs her fingers over me.
<p>She tugs the legs of my jeans and they slide down to my ankles. She looks up at me, smiles, and then laps at me with her tongue. I close my eyes and the stars are replaced with a slowly rotating kaleidoscope. It feels like I'm drifting through space, detached from my Earthly body.
<p>When I open my eyes again she is sliding off her underwear. For a fleeting moment I think about Melissa. But her face soon fades into oblivion and I give myself to Quinn.
<p>She presses herself against me and not even the cold grass against my back or the rocks digging into my hips can dull the pleasure I feel. My nose and my fingertips are tinged with the cold of the night, but a warmth surges through me, a warmth I haven't felt in years. Time stretches out, losing all meaning. We could have been making love for five minutes or an hour by this point and I wouldn't know.
<p>Quinn grinds against me in a very quick and rhythmic fashion and brings herself to orgasm. She lets out a whimper, which turns into a high‐pitched moan. I feel her quiver with pleasure. Breathless, I cum as well, shuddering from the intensity. She collapses onto me and we both lay sweaty and out of breath.
<p>'So how was your first time?' she whispers into my ear. It sends a shiver down my spine.
<p>Sometime later Quinn leaves to grab her stuff. When she returns she rolls out a small camping mattress and lays down a blanket. We cuddle up together and [[look up at the stars|tomorrow7]]. </p>
<<set $quinn to true>>
I shake my head and pass the joint to the girl next to me. Instantly I feel like the odd one out. Some of the people in the group stare at me like I'm the fun police. Highschool all over again.
<p>'Let’s go for a walk,' Quinn says, getting up.
<p>We walk past a couple of tall, thin trees and stand at the far edge of the summit. It's dark now and the sky is flooded with thousands of stars.
<p>'Don't like weed?' Quinn says.
<p>'Ah,' I say. 'I wouldn't know. Never tried it.'
<p>'Yeah?'
<p>I nod slowly. 'It might sound stupid...but I've never wanted to rely on anything to get by. Weed, alcohol.'
<p>'Wait, you don't drink alcohol either?'
<p>I shake my head.
<p>'Shit,' she says. 'I knew you were a weird one.'
<p>I frown.
<p>'I'm kidding,' she says, punching me in the arm. 'I think it's kind of cool. Gives you character, you know?'
<p>I laugh. 'Most people would say the exact opposite. That it makes me vanilla or <em>straight edge</em>.'
<p>'Yeah well. Most people are assholes.'
<p>She moves closer to me. Her arm presses up against me and I can feel the warmth of her skin again mine. It's intoxicating. I turn around and her green eyes pierce my flesh, cutting straight through to my soul. Before I know it she's kissing me, her big soft lips sucking on mine.
<p>After we finish kissing she smiles at me and I stand there in shock. She's such a good kisser, but my chest is tight with guilt. I think of Melissa, probably having dessert with her mother now or looking through old photo albums.
<p>We kiss again and she slides her hand down my pants. I take a short, sharp breath. My heart is pounding. </p>
[[Keep going]]
[[Tell her about Melissa]]
We kiss for a while, passionately. I slide my hand under her shirt and fondle her small, supple breasts. She unbuttons my jeans and runs her fingers over me.
<p>She tugs the legs of my jeans and they slide down to my ankles. She looks up at me, smiles, and then laps at me with her tongue. I close my eyes and it feels like I'm freefalling.
<p>When I open my eyes again she is sliding off her underwear. For a fleeting moment I think about Melissa. But her face soon fades into oblivion and I give myself to Quinn.
<p>She presses herself against me and not even the cold grass against my back or the rocks digging into my hips can dull the pleasure I feel. My nose and my fingertips are tinged with the cold of the night, but a warmth surges through me, a warmth I haven't felt in years, maybe ever. Time stretches out, losing all meaning. We could have been making love for five minutes or an hour by this point and I wouldn't know.
<p>Quinn grinds against me in a very quick and rhythmic fashion and brings herself to orgasm. She lets out a whimper, which turns into a high‐pitched moan. I feel quivering with pleasure. Breathless, I cum as well, shuddering from the intensity. She collapses onto me and we both lay sweaty and out of breath.
<p>Sometime later Quinn kisses me on the forehead and leaves to grab her stuff. When she returns she rolls out a small camping mattress and lays down a blanket. We cuddle up together and [[look up at the stars|tomorrow7]].</p>
<<set $quinn to true>>
I take a deep breath and pull away from her. 'I'm sorry,' I say.
<p>'You're not into me?' Quinn says.
<p>'No!' I say. 'That's not it. You're...incredible. Smart, funny, insanely beautiful.' I pause, collecting my thoughts. 'But I kind of have a girlfriend.'
<p>'Oh.'
<p>'Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm a total asshole, I know.'
<p>'You don't have to apologise to me.' She smiles.
<p>We sit down and dangle our legs over the edge of a cliff face.
<p>'So what do you mean, you <em>kind of have a girlfriend</em>?'
<p>I shake my head. 'Bad choice of words. I do have a girlfriend.'
<p>'But it's not going well?'
<p>I look across at Quinn and give her a wry smile. 'Am I really having this conversation with the girl I was about to have sex with on a mountain top?'
<p>'Woah,' Quinn says. 'Who said anything about sex? I was just going to go down on you.'
<p>I laugh briefly and then turn my thoughts back to Melissa and sigh. 'In the beginning it was amazing. We were all hot kisses and youthful passion...but now, five years in, it's much different. She says that I don't show her that I love her enough. So I tell her I love her, I buy her flowers, I massage her before bed. Everything I can think of to show her how much I care, but she never seems to <em>feel loved</em>. And then I wonder. Is there something wrong with me or is the problem with her? Anyway, that's only the half of it. We argue all the
time. Our arguments used to be playful, about stupid shit. We always knew they were just play arguments, that they didn't mean anything. But one day they started taking on meaning. The same stupid arguments, but we were taking them seriously. I just feel like I'm on a sinking ship and no matter how many holes I plug up the water keeps gushing in.'
<p>'Relationships are hard work,' Quinn says. 'It was always too much for me to handle. I haven't had a boyfriend in something like ten years. I've got way too much love to give to just one person, you know?'
<p>'Sort of.'
<p>'Anyway. I don't know you that well, but maybe tomorrow you should talk to her. You can't run from your problems forever.'
<p>I nod. She's right. More right than she knows. I can't even run from my problems for longer than 24 hours right now.
<p>Quinn leaves to grab her stuff. When she returns she rolls out a small camping mattress and lays down a blanket. 'You won't make it down the mountain in the dark. But you can sleep here with me if you like [[until morning|tomorrow7]]. And don't worry,' Quinn holds up her hands, 'I won't try anything.'
</p>
<<set $quinn to false>>
I take a deep breath and answer Melissa's call.
<p>'Hello?' she says.
<p>'Hey...' I say.
<p>'How are you going?' she asks.
<p>'I...I'm not sure.' I swallow dryly. 'Can we meet somewhere?'
<p>'I've got to be at work in an hour, but I could meet you for like five or ten minutes at our usual spot?'
<p>'Thanks,' I say. 'See you there.'
<p>I hang up the phone, chuck on a pair of jeans and a t‐shirt. Standing in the elevator is the man with the tie‐dyed shirt and the dreadlocks.
<p>'Good day for the race,' he says, smiling.
<p>I humour him and ask what race that might be and he tells his joke. I force a laugh and exit on the carpark level. I get out of the elevator and find my dusty old Subaru. As I leave the carpark I see a flash of lightning in the sky and hear the rain ricocheting off the roof of my car. I drive to our favourite cafe and park on the street outside. Melissa arrives about five minutes later. She is wearing her work uniform: a black dress and matching heels. Her long brown hair is blowing wildly in the temperamental Brisbane air. We get a table and order a couple of coffees. [['What's going on?'|Mend things 2 (post Quinn)]] she says as soon as the waitress leaves. </p>
<<if $bushome is true>>I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I lay in bed and think some more about the accident, but it makes me sad so I get up and have a warm shower instead.
<p>While I'm eating breakfast, Willow jumps up on the table and paws at my cereal. I'm drawn out of my trance. In the previous however many loops she has never jumped up on the table while I was eating breakfast. Has something changed? Or is she not as strictly bound to 'fate' as I am?
<p>I wash up my bowl and stare out the window at the dark rain clouds hanging over Brisbane city. My mind drifts to the warm sun of Byron Bay and the big blue waves on the beach.
<p>My pocket vibrates. Melissa's calling.
<p>I take a deep breath. </p><<else>>I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I lay in bed and relive, in horrifying detail, the short but disastrous meeting with Melissa in the cafe. Like always in my relationships I had apologised, but for the wrong thing. Melissa had once again highlighted how oblivious I can be. I've had several important relationships end out of the blue because of what I thought were simple arguments or misunderstandings, things I thought were only very minor, surface level fractures, but were apparently much deeper, something structural. These relationships ended because I was content snorkeling while my girlfriends were deep‐sea diving.
<p>I feed Willow and make myself breakfast.
<p>Out of nowhere Willow jumps up on the table and paws at my cereal. I'm drawn out of my trance. In the previous however many loops she has never jumped up on the table while I was eating breakfast. Has something changed? Or is she not as strictly bound to 'fate' as I am?
</p><</if>><p>I wash up my bowl and stare out the window at the dark rain clouds hanging over Brisbane city. My mind drifts to the warm sun of Byron Bay and the big blue waves on the beach.
<p>My pocket vibrates. It's Melissa.
<p>I take a deep breath. I've been here before...should I try again? Maybe I can make things better this time, knowing what I know now. Or should I give it some more time? I'm still hurting from the last time she walked out on me. Maybe I'm not ready.</p>
[[Answer the call|Mend things 3]]
[[Ignore the call|Ignore the call 2]]
<<if $quinn is true>><<if $melcrash is true>><p>'I needed to see you...' I say, glancing up at her.</p><<else>><p>'I just really wanted to see you,' I say, glancing up at her briefly.
</p><</if>><p>She takes a breath and then reaches her hands out and grabs mine. 'I wanted to see you too.'
<p>Her hands are soft and mine are clammy. <<if $quinn is true>>I look up into her eyes for a moment and then look away, consumed by my guilt. What if she can see it in my eyes? My infidelity.<<else>>We look into each other's eyes for a moment and then she looks away.<</if>><p>A different waitress brings us our coffees. She is wearing red Doc Martens and has her pink hair up in pigtails.
<p>'I know you don't have long,' I say. 'But I just had to see you.'
<p>Melissa smiles.
<p>I take a deep breath. 'And I wanted to say that I'm sorry.'
<p>'For what?' she says. </p>
<<if $quinn is true>><<if $apol is true>>[[Apologise for cheating on her]]
[[Apologise for calling her closeminded]]<<else>>[[Apologise for cheating on her]]
[[Apologise for the argument|Apologise for the argument (post Quinn)]]
[[Apologise for calling her closeminded]]<</if>><<elseif $apol is true>>[[Apologise for cheating on her]]
[[Apologise for calling her closeminded]]<<else>>[[Apologise for the argument|Apologise for the argument (post Quinn)]]
[[Apologise for calling her closeminded]]<</if>>
<<else>>I take a deep breath and answer Melissa's call.
<p>'Hello?' she says.
<p>'Hey,' I say.
<p>'How are you going?' she asks.
<p>'I need to see you.'
<p>'Oh,' she says. 'Well I've got to be at work in an hour, but we could meet for like ten minutes at our usual spot?'
<p>'See you there.'
<p>I hang up the phone and chuck on some clothes. Standing in the elevator is the man with the tie‐dyed shirt and the dreadlocks.
<p>'Good day for the race,' he says, smiling.
<p>'Is it?' I say.
<p>His smile slowly fades and we both stand there in an awkward silence. I exit on the carpark level and find my dusty old Subaru. I drive to our favourite cafe and park on the street outside.
<p>Melissa arrives about five minutes later. She is wearing her work uniform: a black dress and matching heels. <<if $melcrash is true>>Beneath her dress is a tiny person, growing inside her. Our tiny person.<<else>>Her long brown hair is blowing wildly in the temperamental Brisbane air. Everything the same as it was yesterday. I must have been reading too much into Willow jumping up on the table.<</if>>
<p>Melissa and I get a table and order a couple of coffees. 'What's going on?' she says as soon as the waitress leaves.
<<if $melcrash is true>><p>'I needed to see you...' I say, glancing up at her.</p><<else>><p>'I just really wanted to see you,' I say, glancing up at her briefly.</p><</if>><p>She takes a breath and then reaches her hands out and grabs mine. 'I wanted to see you too.'
<p>Her hands are soft and mine are clammy. <<if $quinn is true>>I look up into her eyes for a moment and then look away, consumed by my guilt. What if she can see it in my eyes? My infidelity.<<else>>We look into each other's eyes for a moment and then she looks away.
<</if>><p>A different waitress brings us our coffees. She is wearing red Doc Martens and has her pink hair up in pigtails.
<p>'I know you don't have long,' I say. 'But I just had to see you.'
<p>Melissa smiles.
<p>I take a deep breath. 'And I wanted to say that I'm sorry.'
<p>'For what?' she says. </p>
<<if $quinn is true>>[[Apologise for cheating on her]]
[[Apologise for the argument|Apologise for the argument (post Quinn)]]
[[Apologise for calling her closeminded|Apologise for calling her closeminded]]<<elseif $cheat is true>>[[Apologise for the argument|Apologise for the argument (post Quinn)]] [[Apologise for calling her closeminded|Apologise for calling her closeminded]]<<else>> [[Apologise for the argument|Apologise for the argument (post Quinn)]]
[[Apologise for calling her closeminded|Apologise for calling her closeminded]]<</if>><</if>>
I drive down to Byron and head out into the water to find Quinn. The water's cold, but I dive straight in this time.
<p>I paddle out until I find Quinn and her group of friends. I watch her from a distance, bobbing up and down with the waves. It's hard to believe that I spent a whole day with her, getting to know her, and she doesn't have a clue who I am. <<if $quinn is true>>I mean, we climbed a bloody mountain together. We had sex.<<else>>I mean, we climbed a bloody mountain together!<</if>> But to her...we haven't even met yet. What a mind fuck. Caught unaware I am dunked by the same large wave as the day before. I submerge a few seconds later and cough up a lungful of salt water.
<p>'Damn,' Quinn says. 'That one was hectic.'
<p>I open my eyes and look at her with her short, bleached blonde hair, full lips, and septum piercing.
<p>'Did you get dunked as well?' I ask.
<p>'Yep.' She smiles.
<p>'Big one coming,' Mark calls out. Behind us a wave starts to rise and gain momentum. Quinn and I catch the wave into shore together and then a couple more. A little while later we sit on the beach, talking and she invites me to [[climb the mountain]] with her. </p>
<<set $quinn to true>>
'I'm sorry about that stupid argument we had the other day. We don't have to go to Canberra if you don't want to.'
<p>'That's what you thought that argument was about?'
<p>'It wasn't?'
<p>'Wow.' Melissa takes a sip of her coffee and finds a hair in her cup. She picks it off her tongue.
<p>'Hang on,' I say. 'What the hell was it about then?'
Melissa shakes her head and finishes her coffee. When she's finished she stands up. 'I hate being called closeminded.' Melissa smiles softly. 'Look, I can see you're trying. It's just...it's going to take a bit of time.'
<p>Melissa finishes her coffee and looks at the time on her phone. 'I'm sorry,' she says. 'I should probably get going. 'I'll see you [[tomorrow|tomorrow8 (post Quinn)]].' </p>
<<set $apol to true>>
'I'm sorry that I called you closeminded.' I pause. 'You're not, at all. I remember you used to hate Hip Hop music, and now you love it.'
<p>'Love is a strong word,' Melissa says. She falls silent for a moment. 'I hate it when people call me that. I have strong opinions...but I am open to other ideas.'
<p>'I know,' I say. 'I love how strong your convictions are. Really. It's one of your best features.'
<p>'Oh is it?' Melissa says raising an eyebrow. 'On our third date, I specifically recall you telling me that my <em>ass</em> was my best feature.'
<p>My eyes widen. 'Yikes, I said that?'
<p>Melissa giggles. 'Yeah, you were, sorry, <em>are</em> a real dork.'
<p>She takes a last sip of her coffee and pulls out her phone to check the time.
<p>'I wish you didn't have to go to work,' I say.
<p>'What about you? Don't you have to work today?'
<p>'No. I kinda quit.'
<p>'What?'
<p>'Yeah, it's a long story.' I pause, thinking about it. 'Well not really. I hated my job, so I quit.'
<p>She stares at me for a moment and then dials a number on her phone.
<p>'Hello, Francine? This is Melissa. Yes, I'm supposed to be starting at 8.30, but...I'm feeling very ill. Must have been something I ate last night. No. No I don't think so. Oh, thank you. Please let Bill know how sorry I am. Okay, thank you Francine.'
<p>She hangs up and smiles at me. <<if $quinn is true>>I stare at her in awe. My girlfriend, the Queen of deception. Poor Francine never had a chance. I feel a pang of guilt in my gut reminding me that I'm a liar as well. Melissa lied to spend the day with me...but mine is a selfish lie, one serving only self-preservation. And she doesn't have a clue. I've deceived the deceiver. If she's the Queen of Lies, then I'm the King.<<else>>I look at her in disbelief. That was amazing. How does she make lying look so easy? I wonder whether she has ever lied to me like that? For a moment I'm caught up in a sticky web of paranoia, but as soon as Melissa grabs my hand again I break free.<</if>><p>'Let's go do something,' she says.
<p>'Okay,' <<if $quinn is true>>I say.<<else>>I say, smiling.<</if>> 'What did you have in mind?'
<p>'Well,' Melissa says. 'We could do something adventurous like go swimming at [[Cedar Creek Falls]] at Mount Tamborine.' She pauses. 'Or we could just [[go back to your place]] and watch a movie. I haven't seen Willow in a while.'
</p>
It's dark now and the sky is flooded with thousands of stars. Quinn moves closer to me and her arm presses up against me. I can feel the warmth of her skin against mine. It's intoxicating. I turn around and her green eyes pierce my flesh, cutting straight through to my soul. Before I know it she's kissing me, her big soft lips sucking on mine.
<p>After we finish kissing she smiles at me and I smile back. My how I missed those lips. She slides her hand down my pants. I take a short, sharp breath. My heart is pounding.
<p>We have mind‐blowing sex again. It is even better this time. I know her body well from last time, know that she likes it when I kiss her neck, whisper in her ear, and when I lightly choke her when she’s about to cum.
<p>Quinn kisses me on the forehead and leaves to grab her stuff. When she returns she rolls out a small camping mattress and lays down a blanket. We cuddle up together and look up at the stars. Maybe this is how I will spend eternity, driving to Byron to have earth‐shattering sex with Quinn every day. I could do a lot worse. But then again, our relationship would never be allowed to blossom, to grow beyond just sex. I would only ever be able to spend an afternoon with her. But those are questions for [[another time|tomorrow10]]. </p>
'We should stop off in Canberra for a day on our way down,’ I said.
<p>‘Why?’ she said. ‘What’s in Canberra?’
<p>‘Nothing in particular,’ I said. ‘But wouldn’t it just be fun to explore for a day?’
<p>‘A half day maybe,’ she said. ‘But I don’t want to spend a full day in Canberra when I could spend that time somewhere else.’
<p>‘Look,’ I said. ‘I’m not saying let’s raise our children there. I’m just saying if we’re there we may as well do it properly and spend the whole day there.’
<p>‘I have no interest in Canberra.’
<p>I sighed. ‘That’s because you’re closeminded.’
<p>Things travelled steadily downhill after that. She didn’t cry or get angry. She did something much worse: she just switched off. It didn’t matter what I said or did, she just blocked me out. So I decided to give her some space. I probably should have tried harder, but I didn’t want to make things even worse.
<p>I've always thought that being in a long‐term relationship is sort of like scaling a mountain together. It's tough work but it's usually worth it. But you have to be ready to fall, because you will. Sometimes all you do is fall. And sometimes, there's only so far you can both climb.
<p>Melissa and I decided to start a family a few years ago, and ever since then it's like our mountain has been covered in several feet of unstable snow. She found out when she was a teenager that she had endometriosis. We'd always known that it might complicate things down the road, but I guess we just hoped that it wouldn't. We've been trying to conceive using IVF for a couple of years now, but it hasn't worked.
<p>She puts on a brave face, but I know it's slowly eating away at her soul. I remember when we got the call the first time that it hadn't worked. We stayed up all night talking, crying. She felt inadequate. She felt that she couldn't do the one thing that she was biologically put on the planet to do. We made it through, but the wounds were deep, and they never had the chance to heal before being reopened.
<p>A car behind me [[honks its horn]]. </p>
I pay for our coffees and we leave the cafe. I escort Melissa to her car under my umbrella and we both get in. She starts it up and then looks across the road at my Subaru.
<p>'Shouldn't you move it?' she says. 'It's only two hour parking there.'
<p>I shrug. 'Fuck the po‐lice.'
<p>She groans and then flicks on her indicator. We cut through the CBD without any problems but there is an accident on the other side of the city and the traffic is built up for a few kilometres. A semi-trailer collided with a white SUV. It reminds me of the accident on Caxton Street...
<p>After we pass the accident, the traffic clears up. Melissa puts the radio on until she gets sick of it and puts on a CD instead. Taylor Swift's latest album. I know that I'm skating on thin ice, so I don't make any complaints.
<p>We cruise down the M3 towards Cedar Creek Falls. It's a special place for us because we went there on our fourth or fifth date. Melissa packed a full picnic lunch ‐ sandwiches, fruit, juice, biscuits ‐ in a cane basket and everything. We had such a nice day. We ate lunch in the rainforest and then we went for a swim in the rockpools, bathing for a while in the cool stream of the waterfall. And then, very unexpectedly, we had sex for the first time on a secluded park bench. I still remember how good it was, but how scared and guilty I felt, because every couple of minutes a pack of tourists or a family would walk past, up the path a bit. If they had ventured, just a little, off the beaten track they would have seen the two of us going at it like animals, after a wall of sexual tension had just crumbled to the ground.
<<if $quinn is true>><p>I look across at Melissa. Her long, dark hair is blowing in the wind and her oversized, tortoiseshell sunglasses reflect the road ahead of us. How can I forgive myself for what I did? I was weak. I chose the easy path instead of the right path. Then again, is there any right path? All I know is, I love Melissa. She probably deserves better...but what can I say? I'm selfish.</p><<else>><p>I look at Melissa and smile. Her long, dark hair is blowing in the wind and her oversized, tortoiseshell sunglasses reflect the road ahead of us. </p><</if>><p>The rain starts to subside as we begin ascending Mount Tamborine. It's summer, so the place is packed, but we manage to find a park, after doing a few laps of the carpark.
<p>Melissa grabs a bikini and a towel out of the boot and we walk down to the rockpools and chuck our stuff underneath a tree. Melissa ducks behind a tree and changes into her blue and red bikini. It reminds me of Wonder Woman's outfit, clinging tightly to her breasts and hugging the curves of her butt. She dives straight in. I teeter on the water's edge for a while. Melissa heckles me, splashing cold water over me.
<p>'Okay, Okay,' I say and [[jump in]].
</p>
I pay for our coffees and we leave the cafe. I escort Melissa to her car under my umbrella and tell her to meet me at my apartment. After she takes off I cross the road, narrowly avoiding a bus, and hop into my Subaru.
<<if $quinn is true>><p>Can I forgive myself for what I did? I was weak. I chose the easy path instead of the right path. Then again, is there any right path? All I know is, I love Melissa. She probably deserves better...but what can I say? I'm selfish.</p><</if>><p>Melissa is waiting on my doorstep. I smile at her and pull out my house key and unlock the door. The door creaks open and Willow scampers out to say hello. She rubs herself up against Melissa's legs and starts purring when Melissa strokes her in return.
<p>'What am I, chopped liver?' I say.
<p>Melissa laughs and puts her bag and phone on the kitchen table.
<p>'Tea?' I ask, shuffling over to the kettle.
<p>Melissa nods her approval and then begins perusing my DVD shelf. She scans my collection of movies, arranged in alphabetical order, occasionally pulling one of the cases out a couple of inches. After she has compiled her shortlist she stands behind me and wraps her delicate arms around me. After I've finished stirring the tea I turn around and plant a gentle kiss on her lips. She stares into my eyes for a moment and then returns the kiss.
<p>'So what did you decide on?' I ask.
<p>Melissa takes a sip of her tea and then frowns. 'Oh, you know me. I'm terrible at choosing.'
<p>'Right,' I say. 'You make a shortlist and leave the final decision up to me.'
<p>'You got it, kiddo.'
<p>'Kiddo? Really?'
<p>I walk over and look at the movies on her shortlist. <em>Milo and Otis</em>, <em>500 Days of Summer</em>, and <em>Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind</em>.
<p>'I can't decide either...'
<p>'Well,' Melissa says. 'How about we have a soak in a nice hot bath first, and then decide after?'
<p>I enter the bathroom and start filling the bathtub. When I return, Melissa is unzipping her dress. It falls to the floor, revealing white undies and a matching bra. She takes
everything off and kicks her heels under the table. Part of me is fussing about the disorder, but that part is silenced by Melissa's naked body.
<p>She glides over to me, like a spirit or an angel, and starts undressing me. Once I'm naked she smiles and leads me into the bathroom where we submerge ourselves in delicious warm
water.
<<if $quinn is true>><p>There's a tightness in my chest. Part of me wants to flee. I don't feel like I deserve her affection after what I did. <p>'What's wrong?' she asks. <p>I breath in deeply. 'Nothing.'</p><</if>>She slowly runs her fingers across my cheek and then stares into my eyes. She leans forward and kisses me passionately.
<p>'I've got some good news,' she whispers.
<p>My heart skips a beat. [['What is it?']] </p>
The water is freezing, but after a few minutes treading water it's bearable. Melissa splashes me a couple of times and I chase after her. We slide down the natural waterslide and take a turn underneath the waterfall, which is flowing heavily after the recent rain.
<p>We get out of the water and sit beneath the tree where our stuff is. There are a couple of teenagers climbing up onto a ledge to jump into the rockpool.
<p>Melissa turns to me, with a solemn look on her face. 'There's been something I wanted to talk to you about,' she says softly. <<if $quinn is true>><p><em>She knows.</em> I feel the guilt in the pit of my stomach and panic rising up like bile. I take a few short breaths.</p><<else>><p>My heart sinks. She's breaking up with me.</p><</if>><p>How stupid I was to think that one day of fun would fix everything. A band‐aid on a bullet hole.
<p>'I'm pregnant,' she says.
<<if $preg is true>><<if $quinn is true>><p>Hearing her say those words again makes what I've done feel more real, solidifies my betrayal. I've done something truly unforgivable...cheated on the mother of my child.
<p>'Are you okay?' Melissa says, stroking the side of my face.<p>I open my mouth but no words come out. I look into Melissa's eyes and the tears flow freely from my eyes. She leans
forward and embraces me. 'It's okay,' she says. She kisses me and puts a hand on each side of my head. 'We're having a baby.'</p><<else>><p>I already knew this, but hearing her say those words makes it real. I lean forward and kiss her. 'That's the best news I've ever heard.'
<p>She starts crying and I embrace her tightly. My nose tingles and I start crying as well.
</p><</if>><<elseif $quinn is true>><p>For a fraction of a second the tightness in my chest goes away and nothing hurts. But then, like a yoyo, it comes back even harder. I've done something truly unforgivable now. I've cheated on the mother of my child.
<p>'Are you okay?' Melissa says, stroking the side of my face.<p>I open my mouth but no words come out. I look into Melissa's eyes and the tears flow freely from my own. She leans forward and embraces me. 'It's okay,' she says. She kisses me and puts a hand on each side of my head. 'We're having a baby.'</p><<else>><p>One of the kids on the rock face jumps off and water splashes out over the rocks.
<p>'Oh my god...' I say, choked up. 'Are you sure?'
<p>She nods and then starts crying. I lean forward and embrace her tightly. My nose tingles and I start crying as well.
<p>'So the IVF finally worked...' I say.
<p>Suddenly I feel like all of the air has been sucked out of my lungs. What if I'm stuck in this loop forever and I never get to meet my baby? </p><</if>><<if $quinn is true>><p>I glance up at the ledge the teenagers are jumping off. One wrong step and you could break your neck...<<if $death is true>>Not that it would make any difference. I know full well that not even death can break this loop. I take a deep breath and try to force those dark thoughts out of my mind.
<p>Melissa leans in for another kiss but I pull away.
<p>'What is it?' she says.
<p>I feel like a soldier who's just stepped forward through some tall grass and heard the click of a landmine. I'm paralysed with the fear of moving forward or backward. If I [[tell her about Quinn|Tell her about Quinn 3]] I could ruin everything...I could lose my baby and Melissa at the same time. But if I [[lie to her|Lie 3]], I might have to bury this horrible secret forever. I've slung a noose over a tree and slipped my head inside.</p><<else>><p>You don't deserve her or the baby. [[Jump|Jump 2]] you coward. <p>No. Think of Melissa...think of the baby. [[Don't jump|Don't jump 2]]</p><</if>><<else>><p>I swallow dryly. No, I won't let that happen...It can't happen. I take a deep breath and try to force those dark thoughts out of my mind. This is a time for celebration.
<p>'I guess this means we finally have to move in together hey?' I say.
<p>Melissa laughs, tears spilling down her cheeks. 'Don't worry, we don't have to go to IKEA until you're absolutely ready.'
<p>'I'm ready,' I say.
<p>'Good, because I'm going to need you to carry that bedside table I want, oh and that new bookshelf. I can't, in this frail state, you see.'
<p>'Oh,' I smirk. 'That's how it's going to be huh?'
<p>'Yes. Emotional blackmail like you wouldn't believe.'
<p>After a while we pack up and [[return to Melissa's car]].</p><</if>>
<<set $preg to true>>
We drive up to the top of Mount Tamborine and order lunch in a nice restaurant overlooking the valley.
<p>'How long were you going to wait?' I ask, taking a bite of a BLT. 'To tell me.'
<p>'I wanted it to be this week,' Melissa says.
<p>We both sit in silence for a while, watching the sparse rain droplets falling on the windows.
<p>I lean forward and kiss Melissa passionately on the lips. Afterwards I stare into her eyes. 'I love you,' I say. 'And I never want to fight again.'
<p>She shakes her head, smiling.
<p>'I don't mean, like <em>ever</em>,' I say. 'I mean...stupid fights, you know, about nothing.'
<p>Melissa nods, mockingly. 'So we'll just argue about the important stuff?'
<p>I sigh. 'I just want things to work between us.' I exhale slowly. 'I want the baby to come into a tender, loving environment, not one where we are at each other’s throats every five minutes.'
<p>Melissa puts her hand on my shoulder. 'We'll make it work.'
<p>The sun is setting as we drive back to Brisbane. As the sun falls on the horizon, my anxiety rises. I've finally mended things with Melissa. We're going to have a baby. We're going to have a life together, a real, solid, amazing life. But it has to end tonight, this endless looping. It has to end. I need to move forward with my life.
<p>Melissa pulls into her driveway and flicks the headlights off. The front door squeaks open and her housemate greets us in the hallway. Melissa shuts her bedroom door and then looks at me seductively.
<p>'Take your clothes off,' she says.
<p>'Yes ma'am,' I say, hastily undressing.
<p>Melissa puts on her lava lamp and turns off the main light. She slowly removes her dress and lets it drop to the floor. She unclasps her bra and pulls down her undies.
<p>She lies down on the bed and I run my hands over her naked body. She breathes deeply and arches her back a little. I kiss down her stomach.
<p>After we make love we lie in each other’s' arms, sweating and panting. Melissa stares out the window at the city lights and I softly run my fingers over her belly. I imagine the large bump that is going to develop there in a few months' time. This is one of those moments that is so perfect that you never want it to end. You don't want to move because you're afraid you might change something.
<p>I stare into Melissa's eyes. 'I love you. And I can't wait to raise a child with you.'
<p>We stay up late, talking and making love again. I want this night to last forever. But eventually, just before midnight my eyes start to close and I [[fall asleep|Ending 1]].</p>\
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I roll over expecting to feel Melissa's naked body, but she's not there.
<p>Of course she's not there.
<p>I slam my fist against the bed and a couple of tears trickle down my face. I was
<em>so</em> close. Things were back to normal. No, better than normal. Melissa's pregnant. <em>Pregnant</em>. I let the words drift around in my head for a while. How many years have we been trying?
<p>I imagine walking along the beach with our little girl. She's holding my hand and skipping along the white sand. I have to jog to keep up. I don't know why, but I always picture our first child as a little girl. I wouldn't mind a boy, but there's something about a girl that keeps floating through my subconscious.
<p>I wash up my bowl and stare out the window at the dark rain clouds hanging over Brisbane city.
<<if $accident is true>><p>I thought maybe I was here to save lives...save the world. But the world's doing just fine.</p><</if>><p>Maybe the answer's out there somewhere. Such a big city with so many people and so many stories. I've barely touched the surface. Or perhaps there is no answer, no grand design, just bad fucking luck. I suppose it was naive to think that the universe would behave in a certain way, to take the lead from one person. A speck of dust in the scheme of things.
<p>All I know is that if I'm stuck here forever I'm going to relive last night over and over until the end of time. Melissa in my arms, our unborn child inside her. We'll never age. We'll never die. We can literally carry on that way forever. Perhaps this is not a curse, but a blessing.</p>
'I just really wanted to see you.'
<p>She takes a breath and then reaches her hands out and grabs mine. 'I wanted to see you too.'
<p>A different waitress brings us our coffees. She is wearing red Doc Martens and has her pink hair up in pigtails.
<p>'I know you can't stay long,' I say. 'But I just wanted to remind you how much I love you.'
<p>Melissa smiles.
<p>'I'm sorry about that stupid argument we had the other day. We don't have to go to Canberra if you don't want to.'
<p>'That's what you thought that argument was about?'
<p>'It wasn't?'
<p>'Wow.' Melissa takes a sip of her coffee and finds a hair in her cup. She picks it off her tongue.
<p>'Hang on,' I say. 'What the hell was it about then?'
Melissa shakes her head and finishes her coffee. When she's finished she stands up. 'I hate being called closeminded.'
<p>Melissa smiles softly. 'Look, I can see you're trying. It's just...it's going to take a bit of time.'
<p>Melissa finishes her coffee and looks at the time on her phone. 'I'm sorry,' she says. 'I should probably get going. 'I'll see you [[tomorrow|tomorrow8]].'</p>
<<set $apol to true>>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I lay in bed and relive, in horrifying detail, the short but disastrous meeting with Melissa in the cafe. Like always in my relationships I had apologised, but for the wrong thing. Melissa had once again highlighted how oblivious I can be. I've had several important relationships end out of the blue because of what I thought were simple arguments or misunderstandings, things I thought were only very minor, surface level fractures, but were apparently much deeper, something structural. These relationships ended because I was content snorkeling while my girlfriends were deep‐sea diving.
<p>I feed Willow and make myself breakfast. I sit for a while, consumed by my emotions. The guilt, shame, anger, confusion.
<p>Out of nowhere Willow jumps up on the table and paws at my cereal. I'm drawn out of my trance. In the previous however many loops she has never jumped up on the table while I was eating breakfast. Has something changed? Or is she not as strictly bound to 'fate' as I am?
<p>I wash up my bowl and stare out the window at the dark rain clouds hanging over Brisbane city. A gloomy atmosphere to suit my current mental state. My mind drifts to the warm sun of Byron Bay and the big blue waves on the beach. <<if $quinn is true>>I think about Quinn again and my heart skips a beat. I imagine undressing her, stroking her breasts. I could visit her again...<<elseif $byron is true>>Maybe I'll go back to Byron... <<else>>Maybe I should take a trip to Byron. It's been a while.<</if>>
<p>My pocket vibrates. Melissa's calling.
<p>I take a deep breath. </p>
[[Answer the call|Mend things 2 (post Quinn)]]
<<if $quinn is true>>[[Ignore the call|Quinn]]<<else>>[[Ignore the call|Ending 7]]<</if>>
I take a deep breath and answer Melissa's call.
<p>'Hello?' she says.
<p>'Hey,' I say.
<p>'How are you going?' she asks.
<p>'I need to see you.'
<p>'Oh,' she says. 'Well I've got to be at work in an hour, but we could meet for like ten minutes at our usual spot?'
<p>'See you there.'
<p>I hang up the phone and chuck on some clothes. Standing in the elevator is the man with the tie‐dyed shirt and the dreadlocks.
<p>'Good day for the race,' he says, smiling.
<p>'Is it?' I say.
<p>His smiles slowly fades and we both stand there in an awkward silence. I exit on the carpark level and find my dusty old Subaru. I drive to our favourite cafe and park on the street outside. Melissa arrives about five minutes later. She is wearing her work uniform: a black dress and matching heels. Her long brown hair is blowing wildly in the temperamental Brisbane air. Everything the same as it was yesterday. I must have been reading too much into Willow jumping up on the table.
<p>Melissa and I get a table and order a couple of coffees. 'What's going on?' she says as soon as the waitress leaves.
<p>'I just really wanted to see you.'
<p>She takes a breath and then reaches her hands out and grabs mine. 'I wanted to see you too.'
<p>A different waitress brings us our coffees. She is wearing red Doc Martens and has her pink hair up in pigtails.
<p>'I know you don't have long,' I say. 'But I just wanted to tell you how much I love you.'
<p>Melissa smiles.
<p>'And I wanted to say that I'm sorry.'
<p>'For what?' she says. </p>
<<if $apol is true>>[[Apologise for calling her closeminded]]<<else>>[[Apologise for the argument]]
[[Apologise for calling her closeminded]]<</if>>
'I'm sorry about that stupid argument we had the other day. We don't have to go to Canberra if you don't want to.'
<p>'That's what you thought that argument was about?'
<p>'It wasn't?'
<p>'Wow.' Melissa takes a sip of her coffee and finds a hair in her cup. She picks it off her tongue.
<p>'Hang on,' I say. 'What the hell was it about then?'
Melissa shakes her head and finishes her coffee. When she's finished she stands up. 'I hate being called closeminded.'
<p>Melissa smiles softly. 'Look, I can see you're trying. It's just...it's going to take a bit of time.'
<p>Melissa finishes her coffee and looks at the time on her phone. 'I'm sorry,' she says. 'I should probably get going. 'I'll see you [[tomorrow|tomorrow8]].' </p>
<<set $apol to true>>
'Yesterday,' I say, choked up. 'I slept with someone else.'
<p>Melissa stares at me, fires roaring in her eyes. 'Are you fucking serious?' She says. 'It's been like a week. And you...' Melissa glances down briefly at her stomach and then back up at me. 'I...I can't fucking believe you.'
<p>She closes her eyes and tears stream down her red cheeks. I reach out and touch her hand, but she yanks my hand away. 'Don't touch me.'
<p>I take a breath. My insides feel like they are being squished into a container that's too small. I stare at her, willing her to open her eyes, shrug off the tears and miraculously forgive me.
<p>When she finally does open her eyes, she stares at me. The anger is gone, replaced by something much worse; indifference.
<p>'I'm pregnant,' she says, getting up from the table and walking towards the door.
<p>'What?' I say, following after her. 'Wait!'
<p>One of the waitresses stops me before I can leave. I pull out a twenty dollar bill and give it to her and then chase after Melissa. She's opening the door to her car when I exit the cafe. She's locked her door again by the time I reach her. I hear the engine start and I stand in front of the car so she can't leave. She glares at me and revs it a couple of times. I signal for her to wind down her window. After a moment she does.
<p>'So the IVF worked?' I ask.
<p>'Clearly.'
<p>'I'm sorry,' I say.
<p>'Great. You're sorry. That fixes everything.'
<p>'I...'
<p>'I really don't care. Now can you kindly fuck off? I have to get to work.'
<p>I exhale slowly and step aside. She looks at me with venom in her eyes. 'And don't bother calling. I won't answer.'
<p>'What about our child?' I ask, frantically, tears forming in my eyes.
<p>'I'll probably get an abortion after work,' she says, nonchalant.
<p>'What?' I say. 'No, you can't!'
<p>'I'll do whatever the fuck I want with my body you fuckwit. Just like you did whatever the fuck you wanted with yours.' She pauses. 'See you never.'
<p>She rolls up her window and drives off. Shell-shocked, I sit on the kerb, hot tears streaming down my face. I've fucked up badly, perhaps beyond repair. How do I move on from here?
<p>Sometime later the sounds around me become audible again. The birds in the trees, the cars humming along on the road beside me. I look up at a bus that's approaching. I imagine stepping in front of the bus. It's moving quickly. It would all be over very fast. I've fucked up too badly, I can't ever come back from this. Why not end it now? </p>
[[Step in front of the bus]]
[[Drive home]]
<<set $preg to true>>
<<set $cheat to true>>
I watch the bus coming by and wait. My chest is tight. I’m finding it hard to breathe now. I inch closer to the road, legs like concrete. I close my eyes and step into the path of the oncoming bus. I hear the high-pitched screech of the brakes, but the bus has way too much momentum. A shiver shoots down my spine and I’m gripped by a panic. What if I’ve made a terrible[[...|tomorrow (death)]]
<<set $cafedeath to true>>
<<set $death to true>>
I drive home and sink into my couch. I waste away the hours watching television and drinking beer. But I soon find that beer is not strong enough so I dig up an old bottle of rum that was stashed behind some plates in the kitchen. I drink most of the bottle of rum and play some videogames. I think as little as I can about Melissa and...
<p>I go to bed without dinner, praying that I find [[some peace in my dreams]].
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I stare out the window at the storm clouds drifting over Brisbane city. <p>Not even death can end this loop.
<p>I'm doomed to be forever trapped in this loop, forced to examine all of my failings, all of my poor life choices. Never able to grow or to make a true mistake or experience true success.
<<if $cafedeath is true>><p>I lay in bed and relive, in horrifying detail, the short but disastrous meeting with Melissa in the cafe. She's pregnant. At this very moment. If I don't tell her about Quinn she'll keep the baby and we can still have a happily ever after. I'll have to live with what I did...I was selfish, hedonistic, reckless. But no matter what, Melissa can never find out. Yesterday is proof of that.</p><<elseif $citydeath is true>><p>I lay in bed and a shiver runs down my spine as I recall the moments before...I swallow dryly.
I can't ever remember being that blindly driven by emotion. I need to talk to Melissa. I need to set things right. There's no more avoiding it.</p><<elseif $rockdeath is true>><p>I lay in bed and relive the previous day. Melissa's pregnant. At this very moment. What an amazing thing. How long have we tried? Years. I wish I could take back what I did with Quinn...but I can't. Maybe I should come clean with Melissa or just bottle it up inside until the day I die. Neither of those sounds great.</p><<else>><p>I lay in bed and a shiver runs down my spine. I killed myself yesterday. And even that didn't make a difference. I haven't been in that kind of headspace since highschool. I don't want to feel that way again. I need to talk to Melissa. I need to set things right. There's no more avoiding it.</p><</if>><p>I feed Willow and make myself breakfast. I sit for a while, consumed by my emotions. <<if $quinn is true>>The guilt, shame, anger, confusion.<<else>>Longing, shame, anger, confusion.<</if>>
<p>I wash up my bowl and stare out the window at the dark rain clouds hanging over Brisbane city.
<p>My pocket vibrates. Melissa's calling.
<p>All of a sudden I feel light headed. My insides feel like they've been through a paper shredder. I breathe deeply and then [[pick up the phone|Mend things 2 (post Quinn)]]
</p>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I stare out the window at the storm clouds drifting over Brisbane city.
<p>I'm doomed to be forever trapped in this loop, forced to examine all of my failings, all of my poor life choices.
<p>I lay in bed and relive, in horrifying detail, the short but disastrous meeting with Melissa in the cafe. She's pregnant. At this very moment. If I don't tell her about Quinn she'll keep the baby and we can still have a happily ever after. I'll have to live with what I did...I was selfish, hedonistic, reckless. But no matter what, Melissa can never find out. Yesterday is proof of that.
<p>I feed Willow and make myself breakfast. I sit for a while, consumed by my emotions. The guilt, shame, anger, confusion.
<p>I wash up my bowl and stare out the window at the dark rain clouds hanging over Brisbane city.
<p>My pocket vibrates. Melissa's calling.
<p>All of a sudden I feel light headed. My insides feel like they've been through a paper shredder. I breathe deeply and then [[pick up the phone|Mend things 2 (post Quinn)]]
</p>
I let the call go to my voicemail. I need some more time. I need to work out what's going on...
<p>I finish my breakfast and catch the elevator down to the carpark. I start my car and make my way to the exit where I sit idling the engine for a moment, deciding what to do with my day.
<p>I pull out my phone and check the weather in Byron Bay, my favourite little getaway.<em>Mostly clear, slight chance of a shower in the afternoon. </em> It's still the morning, if I started driving now, and the traffic was okay, I'd be in Byron by lunch. Maybe I'm stuck in this loop because I'm stuck in Brisbane...maybe if I head to [[Byron|Escape to Byron]] I can escape from this nightmare once and for all. But Byron's quite far and I haven't seen my best friend [[Steph|Visit best friend]] in a while. She's known me a long time, and she might just believe my reluctant time travel story. Maybe we can work this thing out together. </p>
I follow the Japanese family up the paved footpath towards the lighthouse. There is a wooden fence that separates the footpath from the cliff side. The woman who asked me for the photo is running her fingers along the top of the fence and talking to her family. Beside her is her daughter, who looks about ten and is wearing a pink tutu and basketball shoes. On the far side is the father, who has a small daypack and is wearing glasses like Harry Potter.
<p>I used to come here with my mum. We lived in Lismore for a couple of years when I was younger, before we settled in Queensland. My father was working for some investment bank at the time and he was barely ever at home. He was always at meetings or flying around the world somewhere to speak to stakeholders or go to conferences. It was one of the best times in my life. Mum was working in the creative writing department at Southern Cross University in Lismore. Whatever time she had free she spent with me. We used to cook together, go to the movies, and occasionally drive to Byron to go swimming in the beach or see the lighthouse.
<p>I stare up at the lighthouse and feel a strange sense of satisfaction course through me. Perhaps it’s the enormity of the structure itself, which dwarfs me and puts my problems into perspective. Or maybe it’s the idea of progress, brick upon brick. The lighthouse above me
has essentially remained unchanged since 1901. It's an anchor of stability in a sea of change.
<p>I join up with a small group at the entrance and the tour guide takes us slowly up the spiral staircase, pausing at certain points to tell us historical details about the light house. I know most of it already so I spend my time looking out the dusty, antique windows at the sea.
<p>At the top, the claustrophobia of the narrow staircase vanishes and I'm surrounded by the vast blue of the sky. I walk around the circular ledge slowly, taking in the view from every possible angle. When I'm finished I join the others in the light hall.
<p>Our tour guide, an elderly man with a moustache and a friendly smile looks around at us and asks a question. 'As you can see, all of the windows are covered.' He pauses. 'Can anybody take a guess as to why that is?'
<p>He looks around the room, but everyone is too shy to give an answer. Everyone except the little Japanese girl who shouts, 'Cause it'll burn the trees!'
<p>The tour guide smiles and nods. 'That's right. The lens here is so strong that if it made contact with the sunlight it could start fires, even from a great distance.'
<p>On the way down I promise to myself to stay in Byron until it gets dark. I have to see the [[lighthouse at night]].
</p>
I walk back over to my car and open the back door. I remove the photo of Melissa and I and put it on the seat.
<p>I take the box across the road and stand out on the observation platform. I remove a calculator, look at it in disgust and hurl it over the edge. It floats down and I can hear a faint crack as it collides with the rocks below. I throw a bunch of textbooks and notebooks off the cliff. With each one I feel that a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. A bunch of tourists stand nearby watching me in awe. I look across and smile at them and they scuttle away towards the lighthouse. Last, I throw and entire stack of blank CDs off the cliff, the bundle separates in midair and each of the plastic discs catches the wind in a different way they shoot off in a hundred different directions.
<p>I stand there holding the empty box and then I decide to throw that off the cliff as well.
<p>Normally, I wouldn't even leave a gum wrapper on the side of the road. I'm an environmentally conscious citizen, but today it doesn't matter. All that crap will just be back in my office tomorrow. But the act of throwing it away is something that will stick with me. I feel like I've just shed a layer of myself, like a snake shedding its skin.
<p>I start walking up to the lighthouse. I used to come here with my mum. We lived in Lismore for a couple of years when I was younger, before we settled in Queensland. My father was working for some investment bank at the time and he was barely ever at home. He was always at meetings or flying around the world somewhere to speak to stakeholders or go to conferences.
It was one of the best times in my life. Mum was working in the creative writing department at Southern Cross University in Lismore. Whatever time she had free she spent with me. We used to cook together, go to the movies, and occasionally drive to Byron to go swimming in the beach or see the lighthouse.
<p>I stare up at the lighthouse and feel a strange sense of satisfaction course through me. The lighthouse above me has essentially remained unchanged since 1901. It's an anchor of stability in a sea of change.
<p>I approach the entrance but the door is closed. The sign beside the door notifies me that I've missed the tour by a couple of minutes. I rap my fingers on the door a couple of times, but no reply. Instead, I walk around the large courtyard and admire the view from down here.
<p>On the way back to my car I promise to myself to stay in Byron until it gets dark. I have to see the [[lighthouse at night]].
</p>
The sun goes down and I get fish and chips for dinner and sit on the grass by main beach. The place is buzzing with life. There is a large circle of people with African drums who are making energetic music together. There are kids dancing, flailing their thin, spindly limbs around to the music. One man with dreadlocks is fire twirling. I feel uplifted, like I'm a part of something, a community.
<p>Halfway through my meal, a hacky sack lands in front of me, connecting with my takeaway box and sending a handful of chips flying, which are instantly devoured by a hoard of squawking seagulls.
<p>'Sorry.' A short guy with messy blond hair protruding from a beanie walks over and frowns as he picks up the hacky sack.
<p>'It's okay,' I say. 'The chips were rubbish anyway.'
<p>He laughs and looks back over at his two friends, a tall brown haired guy and a short green haired girl who is wearing a multi‐coloured, homemade dress and thick plastic glasses.
<p>'Hey,' he says. 'Do you wanna come play with us?'
<p>'Ah,' I say, caught off guard. 'I'm probably terrible. I've never played.'
<p>'Oh, we're all quite awful.' He tosses the hacky sack around in his hand and then smiles. 'Clearly.'
<p>I take a deep breath and nod. 'Sure, why the hell not.'
<p>He introduces me to his friends. 'Okay, Big Bird here, his name is Kevin.'
<p>Kevin shakes his head and then breaks out in a smile.
<p>'The Oompa Loompa is Lucy.'
<p>Lucy frowns. 'I don't like it when you make fun of my height Pauly.'
<p>Pauly shakes his head. 'Oh, no, it's not a height thing. It's the hair.'
<p>Lucy pulls a clump of her green hair down in front of her face and inspects it. 'Oh snap,' she says.
<p>Pauly throws up the hacky sack and hits it a few times with his legs. 'So the aim is to not let it touch the ground.'
<p>'How come?' I ask.
<p>Kevin and Lucy start laughing.
<p>'I'm not sure,' Pauly says. 'It's just like the rule aye. Anyway, the ultimate goal is to pass it to other people and keep it going as long as possible. Ya dig?'
<p>I nod and Pauly throws the hacky sack up in the air. After failing abysmally for the first five minutes I get the hang of it. We play for half an hour until Lucy says, 'Let's [[get baked and go for a swim]]!' </p>
<<set $lighthouse to true>>
We follow Pauly to his car, a red Nissan Pulsar, and he gets rummages through the back seat. He pulls out a ziplock bag with a moderate amount of marijuana inside. Written on the bag in black pen are the words 'Not Drugs.'
<p>'Where are Mark and the rest of the group?' Kevin asks.
<p>Lucy shakes her head.
<p>'I think they said they were gonna climb Mount Warning.' Pauly grabs some papers out of his car and stuffs everything in his rucksack.
<p>'Main beach?' Pauly asks.
<p>'Nah,' Lucy says. 'That's so boring. Let's walk around a bit to the left. There'll be less people there.'
<p>'There won't be anyone anywhere,' Pauly says. 'It's fucking freezing!'
<p>We take our shoes off and walk along the beach, away from the centre of Byron. As the artificial light begins to fade the stars become more pronounced and our eyes start to adjust.
Eventually, Lucy finds a spot she's happy with and sits down. She grabs the papers and pot off Pauly and starts rolling a joint.
<p>'So where you from?' Pauly asks me.
<p>'Brisbane,' I say.
<p>'Cool,' Lucy says. 'I like Brisbane.'
<p>'How about you guys?' I ask.
<p>'Me and Lucy are from Sydney,' Pauly says. 'We've been friends since high school.' He pauses. 'And Big Bird here is from [[Tasmania|Tasmania2]].' </p>
'Tasmania seems nice,' I say. 'I want to go there one day.'
<p>'Yeah,' Pauly says. 'It's just a shame that most people have two heads...or an extra set of eyes.'
<p>Kevin and Lucy both laugh.
<p>Lucy finishes rolling a joint and she lights it, takes a drag, and passes it around. When it gets to me I hesitate. I've never smoked weed before. Somehow I've made it all these years without trying it. Never felt like I needed to. Part of me wants to just pass it on, but I came down here knowing full well we were getting stoned, so why not? What's the worst that could happen? Well actually, one of my ex‐girlfriends smoked weed for the first time and lost her vision. She sat on her couch, rocking back and forth for hours saying 'there's no place like home.' But that's because she smoked way too much for her first time. I'll just have a puff or two, it'll be fine.
<p>I take the joint and take a drag and then pass it on. We keep passing it around until the joint is all but gone and everyone is adequately stoned. It's a weird feeling. I still feel like myself, but more mellow, more giggly. Everything is funny. Kevin pulls out his phone to check Facebook and drops it in the sand and we are laughing for a solid ten minutes. Maybe ten minutes; time seems to blur into oblivion.
<p>I look up at the night sky and take in the thousands of stars. The clusters, the galaxies. I close my eyes and the stars are replaced with a slowly rotating kaleidoscope. It feels like I'm drifting through space, detached from my Earthly body.
<p>When I open my eyes again Lucy is half naked, her dress lying in the sand beside her. Her small, perky breasts are exposed to the night air. Pauly and Kevin are taking their clothes off as well. Lucy finishes taking off her undies and she screams at the top of her lungs and rockets down towards the water.
<p>'Wait for me!' Pauly calls out, removing his jeans and boxer shorts to reveal his large flaccid cock and copious pubic hair.
<p>Kevin's penis bends to the left. It looks just like a banana and I find it hard to stop myself laughing. After all three of them have left I take my clothes off as well and throw them in the sand. I run down and dive in the water.
<p>It's freezing, but after I paddle water for a while it becomes bearable. It's an amazing, liberating feeling, the water lapping against your bare skin, against your face, your arms, your genitals.
<p>'It feel like I'm back in the womb!' Kevin yells.
<p>We stay in the water for a long time. Until our bones are chilly and our fingertips are wrinkled. As soon as I get out I feel lethargic. We reluctantly put our clothes back on and walk back to the centre of Byron. We all [[crash out|tomorrow7]] in the back of Pauly's car. </p>
She shifts around in the bath and the water swirls around. Melissa opens her lips slowly. 'I'm pregnant.'
<<if $preg is true>><<if $quinn is true>><p>I already knew this, but hearing her say those words makes what I've done feel more real, solidifies my betrayal. I've done something truly unforgivable. I've cheated on the mother of my child.
<p>'Are you okay?' Melissa says, stroking the side of my face.<p>I open my mouth but no words come out. I look into Melissa's eyes and the tears flow freely from my eyes. She leans
forward and embraces me. 'It's okay,' she says. She kisses me and puts a hand on each side of my head. 'We're having a baby.'
</p><<else>><p>I already knew this, but hearing her say those words makes it real. I lean forward and kiss her. 'That's the best news I've ever heard.'
<p>She starts crying and I embrace her tightly. My nose tingles and I start crying as well.</p><</if>><<elseif $quinn is true>><p>For a fraction of a second the tightness in my chest goes away and nothing hurts. But then, like a yoyo, it comes back even harder. I've done something truly unforgivable now. I've cheated on the mother of my child.
<p>'Are you okay?' Melissa says, stroking the side of my face.<p>I open my mouth but no words come out. I look into Melissa's eyes and the tears flow freely from my eyes. She leans
forward and embraces me. 'It's okay,' she says. She kisses me and puts a hand on each side of my head. 'We're having a baby.'</p><<else>><p>'Oh my god...' I say, choked up. 'Are you sure?' <p>She nods and then starts crying. I lean forward and embrace her tightly. My nose tingles and I start crying as well. <p>'So the IVF finally worked...' I say.</p><</if>><p>Suddenly I feel like all of the air has been sucked out of my lungs. What if I'm stuck in this loop forever and I never get to meet my baby? I swallow dryly. No, I won't let that happen...It can't happen. I take a deep breath and try to force those dark thoughts out of my mind.
<<if $quinn is true>><p>Melissa leans in for another kiss but I pull away. <p>'What is it?' she says.
<p>I feel like a soldier who's just stepped forward through some tall grass and heard the click of a landmine. I'm paralysed with the fear of moving forward or backward. If I [[tell her about Quinn|Tell her about Quinn]] I could ruin everything...I could lose my baby and Melissa at the same time. But if I [[lie to her|Lie]], I might have to bury this horrible secret forever. I've cocked my revolver and put it in my mouth, all that's left to do is pull the trigger.</p><<else>><p>'I guess this means we finally have to move in together hey?' I say. <p>Melissa laughs, tears spilling down her cheeks. 'Don't worry, we don't have to go to IKEA until you are absolutely ready.' <p>'I'm ready,' I say.
<p>'Good, because I'm going to need you to carry that bedside table I want, oh and that new bookshelf. I can't, in this frail state, you see.' <p>'Oh,' I smirk. 'That's how it's going to be huh?' <p>'Yes. Emotional blackmail like you wouldn't believe.' <p>I lower my hand onto her stomach and rub it gently.
<p>'It's about the size of a sesame seed at the moment.'
<p>'No way,' I say. I flex my hand over her stomach. 'When do they start kicking?'
<p>'Anywhere between 16 and 25 weeks apparently.' Melissa smiles. 'And by then our baby will be between the size of an avocado or a corn cob.'
<p>'What's with all of the fruit and vegetable comparisons?'
<p>Melissa shrugs. 'I have no idea. That's just how doctors explain it. Guess it's tangible.'
<p>'Yeah,' I say. 'As long as you eat your vegetables.'
<p>We sit in the bath together, holding each other tightly. When our skin is wrinkled we get out and [[towel ourselves off]].</p><</if>>
<<set $preg to true>>
I hear the soft footsteps of Melissa's mother and then the door creaks open. She looks up at me and forces a smile, welcoming me into her house. I hand her a box of chocolates that I picked up at the last servo I passed. 'Happy birthday, Marie.'
<p>'Who is it Mum?' Melissa calls from the kitchen. 'Surely not doorknockers this late?'
<p>I walk around the corner and smile timidly. 'Surprise.'
<p>Melissa puts down her wine glass and stands up. She struggles to find her balance for a moment but then stands steadily and crosses her arms. 'What are you doing here?' she asks, more out of curiosity than anger.
<p>'I...I just really needed to see you.'
<p>She stares at me for a moment, her gaze softening.
<p>'I'll give you two some space,' Marie says, bending down to pick up the plates from the table. It looks like they had lasagne for dinner, Melissa's specialty.
<p>'No, Mum. I'll do those,' Melissa says.
<p>'Don't be silly.' Marie takes the plates into the kitchen around the corner.
<p>'I'm sorry,' I say. 'I didn't want to crash your dinner...I just hate it when there's bad blood between us. My head hasn't been right all day.'
<p>'It's okay.' She slowly zigzags her way over to me and wraps her arms around my neck. 'I wanted to see you too.'
<p>I look down into her eyes. 'I love you,' I say. 'And I want to say that I'm sorry.'
<p>'For what?' she says.</p>
[[Apologise for the argument|Apologise for the argument 2]]
[[Apologise for calling her closeminded|Apologise for calling her closeminded 2]]
'I'm sorry about that stupid argument we had the other day. We don't have to go to Canberra if you don't want to.'
<p>Melissa pulls away from me a little and raises her eyebrow. 'That's what you thought that argument was about?'
<p>'It wasn't?'
<p>'Wow.' Melissa steps away from me.
<p>'Hang on,' I say. 'What the hell was it about then?'
<p>Melissa shakes her head. 'I hate being called closeminded.' She pauses and looks at me sympathetically. 'Look, I can see you're trying. It's just...it's going to take a bit of time. How about I catch up with you tomorrow?'
<p>'But...I'm here now. I thought we could talk a bit more. Maybe the three of us could play a game of Scrabble. I know how much your Mum likes Scrabble.'
<p>Melissa smiles softly. 'Maybe another time.'
<p>I slump my shoulders and exhale deeply. 'Goodbye Marie,' I call out as I make my way back to the front door.
<p>'Hey,' Melissa says, chasing after me and planting a kiss on my cheek. 'I'll see you [[tomorrow|tomorrow7]].'
</p>
<<set $gcfail to true>>
'I'm sorry that I called you closeminded.' I pause. 'You're not, at all. I remember you used to hate Hip Hop music, and now you love it.'
<p>'Love is a strong word,' Melissa says. She falls silent for a moment. 'I hate it when people call me that. I have strong opinions...but I am open to other ideas.'
<p>'I know,' I say. 'I love how strong your convictions are. Really. It's one of your best features.'
<p>'Oh is it?' Melissa says raising an eyebrow. 'On our third date, I specifically recall you telling me that my <em>ass</em> was my best feature.'
<p>My eyes widen. 'Yikes, I said that?'
<p>Melissa giggles. 'Yeah, you were, sorry, <em>are</em> a real dork.' She pauses. 'Come on, let's help Mum out with the dishes.'
<p>We help Marie dry and put the dishes away. She offers me some leftover lasagne but I tell her I'm not hungry. Afterwards we head into the living room and play a game of Scrabble. I come last of course, with Melissa in second, due to her creative writing experience no doubt. But Marie well and truly thrashes us both. She's a very kind woman, but as she once said,
'All is fair in love and Scrabble.'
<p>When the night draws to a close I offer to drive Melissa home, but she says she needs her car for work tomorrow. I don't bother telling her that tomorrow is really today and that her car will be in her driveway tomorrow regardless. It's too late to get into all of that, maybe another time. Instead we drive home in her car. I tell her that my radiator was playing up and I have to go pick it up the next day anyway.
<p>On the drive back to Brisbane we listen to the radio and talk about us some more. Nothing new really, just covering very familiar territory. I want to believe the promises I make her, but I know that everything will reset tomorrow.
<p>Melissa drops me off outside my apartment block and kisses me on the cheek. 'I'll see you tomorrow,' she says. 'I've got something I want to tell you.'
<p>I stand there in the dark, puzzled, for a moment, until a wave of fatigue washes over me. I head upstairs, feed Willow, and then [[collapse into bed|tomorrow7]]. </p>
<<set $gcmakeup to true>>
<<if $lighthouse is true>>I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I sit up in my bed, disoriented. The last thing I remember was swimming naked in Byron. I gaze out the window at the fog that has swallowed up Brisbane city, raindrops sliding down the window pane.
<p>I close my eyes for a moment and see the lighthouse. I feel the sun's warmth against my skin and the cold water against my genitals.</p><<elseif $quinn is true>>I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I sit up in my bed, disoriented. The last thing I remember was snuggling up to Quinn on top of Mount Warning. I gaze out the window at the fog that has swallowed up Brisbane city, raindrops sliding down the window pane. I close my eyes for a moment and I see Quinn's face. Her green eyes and big puffy lips. I remember her hand down my pants...<p>Technically none of that has happened yet, so does that mean I'm off the hook in terms of cheating on Melissa? No, of course not. It's just as much an emotional thing as it is physical. I can't undo what I did with Quinn...There's no rewind for morality.</p>
<<elseif $gcmakeup is true>>I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I sit up in my bed, disoriented. I gaze out the window at the fog that has swallowed up Brisbane city, raindrops sliding down the window pane.<p>I think about the cryptic thing Melissa said before she left last night. Does she want to talk about us? Or is it something else?</p><<elseif
$gcfail is true>>I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I lay in bed and relive the short but disastrous meeting with Melissa at her Mum's house. The conversation repeats in my head and I grit my teeth. Of course it wasn't the argument, you idiot...I have to do better next time.<<else>>I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I sit up in my bed, disoriented. I gaze out the window at the fog that has swallowed up Brisbane city, raindrops sliding down the window pane.<</if>><p>I make myself breakfast and feed Willow, who doesn't seem as spooked by my presence as she used to.
<p>I don't bother getting dressed for work. Yesterday was a revelation and now that I know what a day away from my job feels like, I am never going back. It seems grotesque to me, the thought of following up a day of fun and excitement with a day stuck in a colourless, cramped office cubicle.
<p>I haven't seen my best friend Steph in a while. I did say we could hang out the next time I got a day off. A spark of excitement runs through me. I'm free to do whatever I want.
<p>I leave my apartment, and get into my car on the bottom level of the car park. I put the key in the ignition but before I can turn it my phone starts to ring. It's Melissa. I look down at her contact photo. She's smiling, her long brown hair parted down the middle. She looks so happy.
<p>I've been here before...should I try again? I should try to make things better, I owe her that much. Or should I give it some more time? I don't want to fuck things up even worse.</p>
[[Answer the call|Answer Melissa's call]]
[[Ignore the call|Visit best friend]]
Steph buys us both first class tickets to Melbourne and I pay for a nice meal and a bottle of champagne on the plane.
<p>The first thing we do in the city is catch the city circle tram.
<p>'It reminds me of being a kid,' Steph says. 'Dad used to take us on the tram to St. Kilda where we'd get ice cream and then walk along the beach and go for a swim if it was hot enough.'
<p>I smile. 'How old were you?'
<p>'Six or seven,' Steph says. 'This was just before we moved to Queensland.'
<p>'We should go,' I say. 'To St. Kilda.'
<p>We ride the tram for a while longer and then Steph says she has an idea. So we get off the tram and she leads us to a supermarket where we pick up a bunch of snacks and the ingredients for sandwiches. We walk up the road to Fitzroy Gardens and have lunch by one of the lakes. We watch the ducks glide through the water as we eat.
<p>Steph closes her eyes for a moment and breathes deeply. 'Argh,' she says. 'I missed this place. It's nice to be back.'
<p>After lunch we catch a tram to St. Kilda. I buy us some ice cream and we walk along the beach together.
<p>Steph looks out at the ocean, her ice cream slowly melting in the cone. She's barely touched it. 'Oh boy,' she says. 'This place brings back all sorts of memories about him.' She pauses and points to a concrete water pipe running from the shores down into the water. 'One time my sister and I went swimming and she didn't want to get her feet all sandy so she walked up the pipes instead. But the pipes were lined with clams. Those really sharp bastards. And they were wet and slippery. Anyway, she slipped and sliced her feet open pretty bad. She screamed out and limped over to us, the grass behind her spotted with red droplets.' Steph shook her head. 'Dad took off one of his socks and made a bandage out of it, wrapping up her foot, and then carried her to the hospital.
<p>'Wow,' I say. 'An everyday superman your Dad.'
<p>Steph chuckles.
<p>'My dad probably would have just let me bleed. He would have said something like, <em>what doesn't kill you makes you stronger</em> or some crap.'
<p>Steph nods slowly.
<p>'Sorry,' I say. 'I didn't mean to...'
<p>'It's okay. I get it.'
<p>We walk in silence until we reach the end of the beach. 'Where do you want to stay tonight?' I ask.
<p>'Let's stay at a backpackers,' Steph says. 'You always meet interesting people at hostels...Maybe we'll meet some crazy Europeans and go out and get fucked up.'
<p>'Okay,' I say. 'Let's party like there's no [[tomorrow|tomorrow6]].'
<p>Steph laughs. </p>
<<set $melb to true>>
'Oh my god. It's you!' Steph says, swinging her front door open. 'What a lovely surprise,' she says, embracing me.
<p>'How are you?' she says. 'It's been forever.'
<p>'It's been way too long. I'm great.'
<p>'Come in!' she says, leading me into her house.
<p>I take a seat on her lounge. 'Yes please, I'll have some White Jasmine.'
<p>'Wow,' Steph says, amazed. 'You must have an incredible sense of smell.'
<p>Steph comes over with two cups of tea. I take a sip of my tea and nod my approval.
<p>'Okay,' I say. 'I need to tell you some stuff. It's going to sound crazy for a bit, so just bear with me, alright?'
<p>'Um,' Steph says, taking a sip of tea. 'Sure.'
<p>I take a deep breath and then explain everything to her. I tell her that it wasn't sense of smell that allowed me to deduce the type of tea, it was lived experience. I also tell her about the vase she is working on in her garage, describing it to her in detail.
<p>Steph shakes her head. 'What a mind fuck.' She takes a few sips of tea and her eyes light up. 'We should have some fun with this, like win the lottery or something.'
<p>I laugh. 'Funny you should say that. Yesterday you and I went to the Doomben races and scouted out the winning horses.'
<p>'No way.'
<p>'Voodoo Blue Magic and Mister Booze,' I say with a laugh. 'They are gonna win and win big. So we need to get out as much money as we can and place it on those horses.'
<p>Steph shakes her head slowly. 'If it wasn't you, I'd immediately think this was a scam...' Steph pauses. 'You remember that cute little studio apartment in Shorncliffe?'
<p>I nod.
<p>'Well, I've almost got enough for a deposit...'
<p>'I know it's hard to believe,' I say. 'But I'm not asking you to jepordise your dream, because no matter how much you spend today, it won't matter. It will all be back in your account tomorrow.' I pause. 'But I understand if you don't want to.
<p>Steph shakes her head. 'What the hell. [[Let's do it]].' </p>
Steph goes into her room and changes into her purple dress. We drive to the nearest bank and withdraw $5,000 each. We both walk out with fists full of cash.
<p>'I've never held this much money before,' Steph says.
<p>'Neither. I think I like it...'
<p>We take the money and drive to Doomben. With a chuckle, we put our money on Mister Booze
to win and then we sit back and wait. I look around me to make sure everything is the same as the day before and I am relieved to find that it is. Every race goes according to plan. And then it's time for my big race.
<p>'Come on Mister Booze,' I say out loud, clenching my fist.
<p>A man behind me chuckles. 'Hope you didn't put your life savings on that one mate.'
<p>I turn around and see a man in a suit, drinking a light beer. 'Nah,' I say. 'Just ten grand.'
<p>'That horse has never won a race in its life. And probably never will.'
<p>Steph looks at me concerned.
<p>'Don't worry,' I whisper.
<p>The race starts and my horse is dead last for the first half of the race. My heart starts to sink and I start doubting myself. Have I just lost ten thousand dollars? Also, if I have, does this mean that I'm finally out of the loop? Ten thousand dollars is a small price to pay if that's true! At the halfway mark most of the other horses slow down a little and my horse picks up an incredible amount of speed. Just before the finish line Mister Booze slingshots past the other horses, like a satellite flying past a planet, and crosses the finish line first.
<p>Guess I'm stuck here.
<p>'We won!' Steph yells. 'We won!'
<p>I grin at her and we stand up to collect our winnings. I see the look of shock on the face of the man sitting behind us. 'Tough luck old boy,' I say. 'Hope you didn't put your life savings on it.'
<p>At the betting desk we pass the man our tickets. He looks at them closely then types something into the computer and then nods.
<p>'How much did we win exactly?'
<p>'$15,655 each. Congratulations!'
<p>Steph starts jumping up and down screaming. 'You're kidding?'
<p>'Nope,' the man says. 'Just give me ten minutes to get the [[money in order|Cashed up]].'</p>
Steph and I drive towards the city, the rain clouds still looming overhead. Steph looks across at me, a wild desire burning in her eyes. Not a desire for me, but a yearning for fun, recklessness, debauchery. I feel it too. Stacks of money and no consequences. The world is ours.
<p>'What's the most expensive restaurant in Brisbane?' Steph says.
<p>I grin, keeping my eyes on the road. 'Hmm. Maybe that sushi place on the riverside...Saké I think it's called. My rich uncle took us there once. First time I'd seen him in ten years. The bill was like five hundred dollars, it was absurd.'
<p>'Sounds perfect,' Steph says. 'Hey, but parking will be hella expensive in riverside won't it?'
<p>'Yep,' I say. 'But you're still thinking like there's a tomorrow.' I turn to Steph and smile. 'I could crash this car into the police station and it wouldn't matter. Everything will be erased tomorrow.'
<p>'Right,' Steph nods. 'Well maybe don't crash into the police station. Because then you'll be in cuffs for the rest of the day.'
<p>'I dunno,' I say. 'Never been in a car chase. That could be fun.'
<p>Steph laughs. 'Let's get lunch first.'
<p>We arrive in the city and I park the car on the sidewalk. Several people stare at us as we get out and one man vehemently shakes his head. We head into the restaurant and get a table
by the window, overlooking the river.
<p>Steph and I look at the menus.
<p>'Shall we get the most expensive banquet?' I say.
<p>'Or,' she says. 'We could order one of everything, just to see the look on their faces.'
<p>I laugh. 'Okay.'
<p>When the waiter comes we place our order and he looks confused. He asks us if we're sure and then promptly moves us to a larger table.
<p>'What do you want to do after lunch?' I ask.
<p>'I have a million ideas.' Steph grins. 'We could [[hire out a Lamborghini]] for the day and drive to the Sunshine Coast, or we could [[fly first class to Sydney]] and see a show at the Opera House or something.'</p>
After we finish the most expensive lunch of our lives we leave the restaurant to find my car being towed. We look at each other and break out in laughter. I hail a cab and direct the driver to the Lamborghini dealership in The Valley.
<p>We hop out of the car and I slip the driver the money for the fare, plus an extra twenty dollars because I'm a high roller now.
<p>We step through the door of the dealership and a middle‐aged man in an immaculate suit looks us up and down like we've taken a wrong turn somewhere and gotten lost. 'Hi, I'm Kevin. Can I...help you?' he asks, politely enough.
<p>'We'd like to hire your fastest Lamborghini for the day,' Steph says with a grin, brandishing her card.
<p>Kevin laughs wildly, and then realises she's serious. 'Unfortunately we do not do rentals. Only sales.'
<p>'Oh,' Steph says, crestfallen.
<p>'That's okay,' I say. 'We'll just take her for a test drive then.'
<p>Kevin looks me up and down and reluctantly nods. He takes a two thousand dollar deposit and a photocopy of my driver's license. After we're done, he smiles timidly and then shows us to the car. I don't know much about cars, all I can say is it's red and it looks fast.
<p>We all get inside: me in the driver's seat, Kevin in the passenger's seat, and Steph in the back. I rev the engine a couple of times and look back at Steph with a smile. Kevin looks over at me nervously. 'Please, sir.'
<p>'Sorry,' I say. I pull gently out onto the street behind a blue SUV.
<p>Kevin shifts in his seat and points to a road to my right. 'Just take this corner and then the next right after that.'
<p>'But that'll take us straight back to the dealership,' Steph says.
<p>'Um, yes,' Kevin says. 'It has to be a quick test drive I'm afraid. I have other business to attend to.'
<p>I take the car around the corner. The steering is smooth but firm. I accelerate quickly up the street and then slam on the breaks to take the last corner. Kevin clutches onto his seat and Steph screams out in joy.
<p>'Fucking lunatic,' Kevin says, as I park the car. 'I'll be keeping that deposit.'
<p>'No worries,' I say. 'Chump change.'
<p>Steph laughs and we skip away from the dealership. 'Well that was fun,' Steph says. 'But so much for the coast I guess?'
<p>'Not necessarily,' I smile. '[[Tomorrow is another day|'Let's go!']].' </p>
After we finish the most expensive lunch of our lives we leave the restaurant to find my car being towed. We look at each and break out in laughter. Steph hails a cab and we're at the airport in time for the four o'clock to Sydney.
<p>We leave the airport and catch a train into the city and check into the Hilton. The weather in Sydney is much nicer than in Brisbane. It's sunny and hot, but dry hot, unlike the unbearable Brisbane humidity. We walk through the city streets, skyscrapers towering above us.
<p>'I remember the first time I came to Sydney,' I say. 'I hadn't eaten all morning and everything was so big and overwhelming that I almost passed out.'
<p>'Believe it or not,' Steph says. 'I've never been before.'
<p>'So that's why you wanted to come here?'
<p>Steph nods. 'I've always been curious about Sydney. Also, I heard Cirque Du Soleil was doing a show in the Opera House tonight,' Steph says with a smile.
<p>We walk along Circular Quay, basking in the glory of the harbour. Steph buys us ice creams and we walk along the water's edge, ending at the Opera House. The sun is setting over the water and there is a line of people outside the main entrance.
<p>'Excuse me,' Steph says to an elderly couple. 'I don't suppose I could buy your tickets?'
<p>The husband, small with a moustache snorts. 'I don't think so young lady, we've been waiting months for this show. It's my wife's favourite.'
<p>'Okay,' Steph says, turning away. 'But what if I offered you a thousand dollars?'
<p>'All yours,' the man says, fishing the tickets out of his pocket. Steph hands the man his money and the couple scuttles off.
<p>After an extraordinary show, Steph and I walk along the quay, back towards the Hilton. We are in good spirits, reliving moments from the show, discussing our different
interpretations. We pass underneath a bridge and spot a man huddled underneath a thin blanket up against a concrete wall. He has a beard that he must have been growing for thirty years, and a dog with a tattered collar sitting beside him.
<p>'Spare a dollar or two mate?' the man says. 'I need to buy him food.'
<p>'Of course,' I say. I pull out my wallet but there's only fifty dollars left. Steph only has a twenty. We hand the money to him and apologise. But he is over the moon, he gets down on his hands and knees and pretends to kiss our feet.
<p>We walk silently back to the Hilton.
<p>'What the fuck are we doing?' I ask.
<p>'I don't know.' Steph shakes her head. 'Having fun?'
<p>'Yeah...' I say. 'We were...but.' I stare out the window into the darkness.
<p>'We can do it differently [[tomorrow|tomorrow6]],' Steph says. 'We can give the money to people who need it more than us.' </p>
<<set $sydney to true>>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I look out the window at the rain clouds and sigh. I feel cold and dirty. I get up, strip my clothes off and jump into a hot shower. Willow appears in the doorway, stares at me, and then disappears. I haven't seen that in a while, I almost missed it.<<if $sydney is true>><p>As the warm water washes over me I think about my trip with Steph to Sydney. I think about the homeless man and his dog. They're lying underneath that bridge in Sydney right now...
<p>I get out of the shower and get dressed. I feed Willow and then eat my own breakfast, still deep in thought. I don't know about going back to Sydney, but I could at least do what I can to help out the disadvantaged around Brisbane. </p><<elseif $help is true>><p>As the warm water washes over me I think about walking around the city with Steph, our spree of goodwill. I think about the people we helped and I feel elated, but then I remember that it has all been erased today. Steph thinks that it would be honourable to spend the rest of your life in a loop helping people. And maybe it would be. But it sounds monotonous, exhausting...unrealistic.</p><<elseif $melb is true>><p>As the warm water washes over me I think about last night in Melbourne. Steph and I had fun...but there's something stirring in my gut about it all. Maybe it's the money. Spending that much money on, well, nothing. What if we spent the day helping out homeless people or something?</p><</if>><p>My phone vibrates in my pocket. It's Melissa. I look down at her smiling profile picture. Damn. I really need to talk to her. I need her to know how much I love her. I need to make things right with her. I can't keep running away from it. They say that love conquers all. Maybe love can break me free of this endless loop.</p>
<<if $help is true>>[[Answer the call|answer her call]]
[[Reject the call|Not supposed to save everyone]]
<<else>>[[Answer the call|answer her call]]
[[Help other people for the day]]
<</if>>
After the races Steph and I drive into the city to begin our spree of goodwill. As we're crossing the road a large Samoan guy holding a stack of magazines gives us a big friendly smile. 'Big Issue,' he says. 'Only six dollars.'
<p>'We'll take all of them,' I say, handing him two hundred dollars.
<p>His eyes widen. 'That's too much,' he says.
<p>'We won't take no for an answer,' Steph smiles.
<p>We cross the road and chuckle at the man's astonishment. On the corner there is a Muslim man playing the guitar and singing a beautiful song about acceptance and skin colour. A little sign beside guitar case says 'Babar Luck'. Steph throws a fifty dollar bill in the case and I throw a hundred. He stops playing and looks at us, astounded.
<p>'Thank you my friends,' he says. 'You are very kind. Please take a copy of my album. Please.' He hands us each a copy of his album and we keep walking down the street.
<p>'This is fun,' Steph says.
<p>'Yeah, who knew that having money would be so fun.'
<p>We spend the rest of the morning giving money to buskers, homeless people, and charity workers. Steph gives a woman from Green Peace a thousand dollars on the spot because she loves what they are doing for the reef. I give a lot of my money to Oxfam who are helping kids in Africa.
<p>In the afternoon we find a soup kitchen in South Brisbane and help out for a few hours. When we leave, we give the manager the remainder of our money. Afterwards, we drive back to Steph's place for a cup of tea.
<p>'That felt good,' Steph says. 'I've always wanted to do that...'
<p>'We helped out a lot of people today.'
<p>Steph nods.
<p>'But...Oh nevermind. I don't want to kill the mood.'
<p>'No,' Steph says. 'Say what's on your mind.'
<p>'Well,' I say. 'We made a bunch of people happy today, we eased the suffering for a short while, made their lives better perhaps. But tomorrow it won't matter. It's all going to reset and nothing we've done will matter.'
<p>Steph frowns. 'Not if we go back tomorrow.'
<p>'And then the next day?' I say.
<p>Steph nods.
<p>'When does it end? It would just be and endless cycle of charity.'
<p>'Is there a more honourable way to spend your life?'
<p>I exhale and take a sip of my tea. 'I don't know.'
<p>'Just sit back and relax. We've got reason to celebrate today, we did a lot of good. Worry about all that [[tomorrow|tomorrow6]].' </p>
<<set $help to true>>
This time round we visit a store specialising in exotic rentals and hire out the fastest, reddest Lamborghini we can find. Steph excitedly grabs the keys and squeezes into the driver's seat.
<p>'You can drive back down, okay?' she says.
<p>The trip up the coast is beautiful and relaxing. The rain clears up just after Caboolture. Unfortunately we have to keep to the 110kph speed limit the whole way, even though the car could easily double that. But this isn't Germany and we want to spend a nice day on the coast, not behind bars.
<p>Steph parks the car outside a cafe next to the beach. Almost every eye in the cafe is staring at our car. We get out and some topless guy on a skateboard wolf whistles at Steph. 'Nice ride,' he yells out.
<p>Steph giggles. 'This is fun.'
<p>We get changed into our swimmers and take a dip in the ocean. <<if $beach is true>>The waves aren't as strong as in Byron, but the water is a little warmer. There are definitely more people surfing here. <<else>> The waves are decent and there's a bunch of people further out, surfing. <</if>><p>Afterwards, Steph and I book a room in the most expensive hotel we can find and order dinner to our room. I spend a week's rent on a delicious Wagyu Sirloin steak and Steph blows a couple of hundred on the fish of the day and then a pasta dish because the fish wasn't overly filling.
<p>We spend the evening sitting on the balcony looking up at the stars. The television is on in the living room playing an old black and white film.
<p>'Did you have a good day?' I ask.
<p>Steph nods. 'But I always do when I hang out with you...Money doesn't really change anything.'
<p>'Interesting...' I say.
<p>'I kind of wish we had done something better with the money...' Steph points to the television inside playing a World Vision advert. 'I feel kinda shitty wasting so much money on, well, nothing...'
<p>'I feel the same. Excessive wastefulness isn't really in our nature.' I pause. 'But it was fun.'
<p>'Maybe tomorrow we can walk around Brisbane and hand out money to those who need it more than us?'
<p>'Sure,' I say.
<p>'I don't know,' Steph says. 'All I know is today has showed me what I don't want. What I <em>do</em> want is to make a difference. To make someone happy. To make their life better. Even if it's just for the day.'
<p>'Well,' I say. '[[Your wish is my command|Help other people for the day]].' </p>
'Hey.'
<p>'Hi. How are you?'
<p>'It's hard to explain,' I say. 'But...it's really good to hear your voice.'
<p>Melissa is silent on the other end. I can hear her breathing softly into the earpiece. 'Why didn't you answer my call this morning?'
<p>'I was having a shower,' I lie.
<p>'Okay,' she says, sounding unconvinced. 'Well, I should go.'
<<if $melcrash is true>><p>'No, wait,' I say. I picture her pushing our little girl on a swing. 'Did you ever hear back about the latest round of IVF?'
<p>'What makes you ask?'
<p>'I just...I had a dream last night...It felt so real.' I say. 'Hey, I'm in the city, do you think we could meet up?'
<p>'Sure,' she says. '[[Meet me at Spoon]] on the corner of Charlotte street in five.'</p>
<<else>><p>'No, wait,' I say. 'I fucking miss you.'
<p>I hear her breath softly into the earpiece. I miss you too,' she says. 'Hey, are you in the city by chance?'
<p>'Yes,' I say.
<p>'Do you want to get a coffee?'
<p>My heart starts pounding. 'That would be nice.'
<p>'Okay,' she says. '[[Meet me at Spoon]] on the corner of Charlotte street in five.' </p>
<</if>>
I reject the call and slip my phone back into my pocket. I'm not ready to face the music yet. I'm a coward, I'll admit it. <<if $quinn is true>>I don't even deserve her...not after Quinn. I should just keep my distance.<<else>>Maybe she deserves better than me. Perhaps I should just keep my distance.<</if>>
<p>I leave the cafe and start walking. I don't know where I'm going but it doesn't matter. I think about Melissa again. She's standing on a beach somewhere and her long brown hair is blowing in the wind. Beside her is a little girl in a floral dress, she is passing Melissa a beautiful pink shell. It's our daughter. Our little IVF miracle.
<p>I walk to the end of the mall and onto Victoria bridge. Maybe I'll visit the GoMA. It's been a while since I got lost in a painting.
<p>Halfway across the bridge, I am struck by another vision of my unborn daughter. She's much older now and she's wearing a blue school uniform. Melissa is standing proudly outside the gates of her primary school. But where am I?
<p>Tears well up in my eyes as I lean over the railing and look down at the water below.
<<if $busdeath is true>>Not even death can end this loop. I found that out when the bus smashed headfirst into that truck...<</if>></p>
<<if $quinn is true>>[[Jump]][[Keep walking]]<<else>>[[Keep walking]]<</if>>
<<if $melcrash is true>>I see her standing outside of Spoon, her long brown hair blowing in the wind. I have a violent flashback of the car accident, but I push it to the back of my mind. I glance at her belly and imagine the tiny person growing inside her. I feel my nose tingling already.
<p>We get a table and order a couple of coffees. After the waiter has left I turn to her and smile. 'It's so good to see you.'
<p>She smiles but doesn't say anything. A few minutes later, the waiter brings our coffees out and Melissa takes a sip. A little bit of froth lingers on her upper lip. I want to lean forward and lick it off, but that's way too much. Baby steps, so to speak.
<p>'So,' she says, wrapping her fingers around her coffee cup. 'About the IVF...' She regards me for a while, staring through my eyes and into my soul.
<p>'You're pregnant?' I say, trying my best to sound surprised.
<p>She nods and starts crying.
<p>I lean forward and embrace her tightly. My nose tingles and I feel the tears welling up in my eyes too.</p><<else>>Melissa and I get a table and order a couple of coffees. After the waiter has left I turn to her and smile. 'It's so good to see you.'
<p>She smiles but doesn't say anything.
<p>I look down at the table and sigh. 'Look, I'm sorry that I called you closeminded.' I pause. 'You're not, at all. I got carried away.'
<p>'I hate it when people call me that. I have strong opinions...but I am open to other ideas.'
<p>'I know,' I say. 'I love how strong your convictions are.'
<p>The waiter brings our coffees out and Melissa takes a sip of hers. A little bit of froth lingers on her upper lip. I want to lean forward and lick it off, but that's way too much. Baby steps.
<p>'So,' she says, wrapping her fingers around her coffee cup. 'There's something I need to tell you...' She regards me for a while, staring through my eyes and into my soul. 'I'm pregnant,' she whispers.
<p>'What? Are you sure?' I say.
<p>She nods and then starts crying.
<p>'The IVF worked...' I say. 'Finally.' I lean forward and embrace her tightly. My nose tingles and I feel the tears welling up in my eyes too.</p><</if>><p>Suddenly I feel like all of the air has been sucked out of my lungs. What if I'm stuck in this fucking loop forever and I never get to meet my baby?
<p>I swallow dryly. No, I won't let that happen...It can't happen. I take a deep breath and try to force those dark thoughts out of my mind.
<p>I see Melissa glance at her phone.
<p>'Please tell me you're not going back to work...not after this,' I say. 'I couldn't handle it.'
<p>She smiles warmly and then dials a number on her phone. 'Hello, Francine? This is Melissa Walker. I'm feeling very ill. Must have been something I ate for breakfast. No. No I don't think so. Oh, thank you. Please let Bill know how sorry I am. Okay, thank you Francine.'
<p>She hangs up and smiles at me. I look at her in disbelief. That was amazing. How does she make lying look so easy? I wonder whether she has ever lied to me like that? For a moment I'm caught up in a sticky web of paranoia, but as soon as Melissa grabs my hand again I break free.
<p>[['Let's go,']] she says. </p>
I watch the boat glide across the water, tracking its movement. I scramble up onto the railing . My chest tightens and I find it difficult to suck in enough air. But that won’t matter in a moment. I inch closer to the edge, but my legs feel like lead. The boat is almost under the bridge now. My heart races as I force myself off the edge. My muscles tighten and a panic grips me. What if I’ve made a horrible [[...|tomorrow (death)]]
<<set $citydeath to true>>
<<set $death to true>>
I take a deep breath and keep walking along the bridge. I reach the bus platform and take a seat on the cold metal bench. I try to calm myself down but the images keep pouring into my head. Melissa pushing our daughter on a swing in the park. Her first steps. Her first haircut. Learning to read. All the precious little moments I'll never experience if I stay here.
<p>I glance down the busway and a tightness grips my chest. What if death could break the loop?
<p>I watch as a bus glides around the corner and towards me. My heart beat quickens as I stand. </p>
[[Jump in front of the bus]]
[[Catch the bus home and sleep it off]]
I lay in bed, under my blankets, tossing and turning. It's still light outside and I can't sleep. Images of my unborn child are seared into my brain. I fling the covers off and grab a beer from the fridge. Willow is sleeping on the kitchen bench.
<p>I sit on the couch and flick the television on, slumping against the wall. Suddenly I remember half a bottle of valium in my top drawer. I grab it and unscrew the lid. The doctor gave me a prescription for enough valium to ease my anxiety when I got my wisdom teeth out a few years ago, and I saved the remaining tablets for a day like this. I pop four into my mouth and swallow them with a mouthful of beer. They go down rough but after about twenty minutes I already feel myself relaxing. First my muscles, then my mind. My thoughts drift like clouds on a soft breeze and my mind goes blank. I finish off my beer and [[close my eyes|tomorrow8]]. </p>
<<set $bushome to true>>
I watch the bus coming in and wait. My chest is tight. I’m finding it hard to breathe now. I inch closer to the road, legs like concrete. I close my eyes and step into the path of the oncoming bus. I hear the high-pitched screech of the brakes, but the bus has way too much momentum. A shiver shoots down my spine and I’m gripped by a panic. What if I’ve made a terrible[[...|tomorrow (death)]]<<set $citydeath to true>>
<<set $death to true>>
We get into Melissa's car and she drives back towards my apartment. While we're stopped at a set of traffic lights I turn to her and grin. 'I guess this means we finally have to move in together hey?'
<p>Melissa laughs, her eyes still wet. 'Don't worry, we don't have to go to IKEA until you are absolutely ready.'
<p>'I'm ready,' I say.
<p>'Good, because I'm going to need you to carry that bedside table I want, oh and that new bookshelf. I can't, in this frail state, you see.'
<p>'Oh,' I smirk. 'That's how it's going to be huh?'
<p>'Yep,' she says. 'Emotional blackmail like you wouldn't believe.'
<p>I extend my arm and touch her stomach, rubbing it gently.
<p>'It's about the size of a sesame seed at the moment,' she says.
<p>'No way,' I say. I flex my hand over her stomach. 'When do they start kicking?'
<p>'Anywhere between 16 and 25 weeks apparently.' Melissa smiles. 'And by then our baby will be between the size of an avocado or a corn cob.'
<p>'What's with all of the fruit and vegetable comparisons?'
<p>Melissa shrugs. 'I have no idea. That's just how doctors explain it. Guess it's tangible.'
<p>'Yeah,' I say. 'As long as you eat your vegetables.'
<p>Melissa pulls into the carpark underneath my apartment and turns the engine off. I lean over and kiss her passionately.
<p>'You haven't kissed me like that in a while,' she says, breathlessly. [[We get out of the car and go upstairs|towel ourselves off]]. </p>
I take a deep breath and turn away from the ledge. I look back over at Melissa. She looks worried.
<p>'Where were you?' she says.
<p>I was drowning. I was at the bottom of the ocean.
<p>'A dark place...' I look into her eyes, her beautiful blue eyes, and search for the right words. 'It's okay, I'm here now.' I pause. 'I love you more than anything, and I can't wait to have a baby with you.'
<p>Tears spill down Melissa's cheeks and she embraces me tightly. Instantly, I'm engulfed in her warmth. I close my eyes and try to soak up as much as I can.
<p>'You're so cold,' Melissa says, rubbing my arms. 'Let's dry off and go get a hot meal.'
<p>She grabs my hand and leads me back up the path to the carpark, like a shepherd leading a lost lamb back to its pen, [[back to the light|return to Melissa's car]].
</p>
I stand up abruptly and Melissa looks at me, puzzled. 'What are you doing?' she asks. I ignore her, tears running down my face, and hurry over to the cliff face.
<p>'What the hell are you doing?' Melissa yells.
<p>I scramble up the cliff face using a tattered old rope and some decent hand holds in the rock face. Up the top I see a couple of teenagers smirking at me. I look down below. It's a long way down. I feel the anxiety rising in my chest.
<p>'Be careful,' Melissa yells.
<p>What am I doing? This is crazy. </p>
[[Jump onto the rocks]]
[[Jump into the water]]
I scramble to the edge of the cliff, kicking dirt and sticks off the edge, and look down at the rocks below. Melissa’s shouting something up at me. My chest tightens and I find it difficult to suck in enough air. But that won’t matter soon. I inch closer to the edge, but my legs feel like lead. My heart races as I force myself off the edge. My muscles tighten and a panic grips me. What if I’ve made an awful[[...|tomorrow (death)]]
<<set $rockdeath to true>>
<<set $death to true>>
I take a short breath and step off the cliff. Terror rises swiftly through my body and my muscles tighten as cut through the humid air and plunge into the freezing cold water. My lungs give up some air from the pressure of hitting the water and I sink a little lower. I gather my thoughts quickly and swim up to the surface where Melissa is standing with her arms crossed. I paddle slowly towards her.
<p>'What the hell was that?' she whispers.
<p>'I...' I search for an adequate lie. 'I was just so excited...at the news.'
<p>She looks at me in disbelief and then shakes her head. 'You're a nutcase, you know that?'
<p>I get out of the water and dry myself off. 'You sure you want to have a baby with a loon like me?'
<p>'More than anything,' she says. 'Just fucking let me know before you go jumping off any more cliffs okay?'
<p>'Okay.'
<p>Melissa stares at me for a moment and then bursts into tears. She leans forward and embraces me tightly. Instantly, I'm engulfed in her warmth. I close my eyes and try to soak up as much as I can.
<p>'You're so cold,' Melissa says, rubbing my arms. 'Let's dry off and go get a hot meal.'
<p>She grabs my hand and leads me back up the path to the carpark, like a shepherd leading a lost lamb back to its pen, [[back to the light|return to Melissa's car]].
</p>
'Yesterday,' I say, choked up. 'I slept with someone else.'
<p>Melissa stares at me, fires roaring in her eyes. 'Are you fucking serious?' She says.
'It's been like a week. And you...' Melissa glances down briefly at her stomach and then back up at me. 'I...I can't fucking believe you.'
<p>'I know...' I say, feebly.
<p>She closes her eyes and tears stream down her red cheeks. I reach out and touch the side of her face, but she yanks it away. 'Don't touch me.'
<p>I pull my hand away and take a breath. My insides feel like they are being squished into a container that's too small. I stare at her, willing her to open her eyes, shrug off the tears and miraculously forgive me.
<p>Finally she opens her eyes. She looks at me like a child looking at someone who has just killed their favourite kitten. 'Why?' she asks.
<p>I take a deep breath. 'Because I'm a coward.'
<p>'Fuck off,' she shouts. She wipes her running nose. 'Try again, or I'm out of here.'
<p>'Fuck. Um.' I search for the "right" words. 'She was there...and I knew you were mad at me...I didn't‐'
<p>'You didn't what?' she says. 'You couldn't be fucking bothered working things out with me because it would take too long and it would be too fucking hard, so you got it off with someone else instead? Something like that?'
<p>'Yeah,' I say. 'Exactly like that.'
<p>Melissa scrunches up her face to keep from breaking into tears again. 'Who is she?'
<p>'What?'
<p>'The girl you fucked, who was it? Do I know her?'
<p>'No one...Just a girl I met in Byron.'
<p>'Just a girl you met in Byron...' Melissa stands up and dries herself aggressively with a towel. ‘What the fuck where you doing in Byron?
<p>‘I don’t know…I just needed to escape the city.’
'And it just happened once?'
<p>'Yes,' I say.
<p>'How was it?' Melissa asks, holding her hand up to her mouth.
<p>I swallow. 'It was okay‐'
<p>'Bullshit. Tell me the truth!'
<p>'Okay okay. It was amazing alright?' I pause, desperately searching for something. 'But it wasn't you. You and I have an incredible history. We have like a million in jokes. I know,
and love, your parents...the intimacy we have is on a whole other level.'
<p>'So it was <em>just</em> sex?'
<p>'Yes.'
<p>Melissa regards me for a moment and then nods. She walks out into the lounge room and starts putting her clothes back on. I just stand and watch helplessly.
<p>'Where are you going?' I ask.
<p>'I don't know,' she says, pulling her shirt over her bra. 'Anywhere but here.'
<p>I dissolve into tears. 'Do you...do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me?'
<p>Melissa shrugs. 'I don't know.' She walks over to the kitchen table and grabs her stuff. 'But look, I know you could have just said nothing...so I appreciate you telling me the truth.' She walks to the front door and pulls it open. She looks back at me. 'Goodbye,' she says, closing the door behind her.
<p>I stare at the door for a while and then slip into my bed and curl up under the covers. I close my eyes and [[let the tears flow freely|Ending 3]]. </p>
'Sorry,' I say, leaning in and kissing her on the lips. 'You just caught me off guard is all...my mind is racing.'
<p>She stares at me for a moment, regarding me. 'Of course,' she says. 'We've been trying for so long, I don't think either of us dared to believe it would ever actually work.'
<p>'Exactly.'
<p>Melissa lies down on the bed and stares out the window at the city lights. I softly run my fingers over her belly. She breathes deeply and arches her back a little. I kiss down her stomach.
<p>I imagine the large bump that is going to develop there in a few months' time.
<p>'When we were in the bath,' Melissa says, stroking my arm. 'I feel like you were going to tell me something...'
<p>'Um,' I say. I feel like a cat that's knocked over its owner's favourite vase. The problem is that Melissa doesn't know that I've broken it. 'It's nothing, really.'
<p>Melissa frowns. 'You know how I hate that...'
<p>I nod. 'I'm sorry...to be honest, I don't even remember what I was going to say.'
<p>She looks at me for a moment, staring deep into my eyes, and then she sighs and turns away. We sit in silence, watching the rain droplets slide down the windows and watching the sun drop on the horizon. I think about how long it might take to piece a broken vase back together, and if it's still the same vase or not after being put back [[together|Ending 2]].
</p>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I lay in bed and relive every little detail of the night before. I look out the window. It's raining.
<p>Of course it is.
<p>I roll over and scream loudly into my pillow. I roll my head to the side and survey my apartment. I may as well just stay in bed all day. There's nothing out there for me now. May as well just lay in this fucking bed <em>forever</em>.
<p>Sometime later I feel Willow jump up onto the bed. I roll over and she starts licking my face. I grimace and push her away. 'Can't you see I'm feeling sorry for myself?'
<p>She meows at me.
<p>'Fine!'
<p>I throw the covers off and stumble into the kitchen and I spoon some cat food into her bowl. I make myself some breakfast and collapse onto the couch. I turn on the TV and watch music videos. I sit and fume for a while.
<p>After I've finished my cereal I look down at my bowl and then up at the kitchen sink. I shrug and throw it against the wall instead. It shatters into a thousand little pieces and for a moment the drops of milk on the wall look like a little white butterfly, slowly distorting as they glide towards the kitchen tiles. I laugh until it feels forced and then lean up against the wall. Willow appears around the corner looking frightened.
<p>'Oh shit,' I say. 'I'm sorry baby.'
<p>My pocket vibrates. Melissa's daily call. I look down at her smiling profile picture. I take a deep breath and answer the call.
<p>Melissa is silent on the other end. I can hear her breathing softly into the earpiece. She's probably thinking of what to say next.
<p>'Hello?' I say.
<p>'Okay,' Melissa says. 'So I've been thinking...all night in fact. I still want to have the baby with you. But it's going to take some time for me to trust you again okay? And things might never be...like they were before.'
<p>'Of course,' I say, in shock. 'I love you.'
<p>'I'll talk to you later,' she says and hangs up.
<p>My mouth is wide open. I pull the phone away from my ear and check the date. February 13th. I'm out of the loop. It's finally tomorrow! It's finally over. And Melissa wants to have the baby with me. Tears well up in my eyes and slowly trickle down my cheeks. I feel the tightness in my chest soften and the anxiety over being absent in my child’s life begins to evaporate.
<p>I pick up Willow and carry her with me to the couch. She settles into a comfy position on my lap and I stroke her until she purrs. Then something occurs to me. I look over at the wall covered in milk and down at the pieces of broken plate on the ground.
<p>I look out the window and the rain clouds are starting to clear. There's a few rays of sunshine creeping through now. I run my hand through Willow's fur and close my eyes. I’m walking on a beach, my bare feet digging into the damp sand beneath. Melissa is beside me, her long brown hair blowing in the breeze. Walking between us is our beautiful little girl. She’s smiling up at the sky and holding onto both of our palms like the world might end if she didn’t.</p>
We drive down Caxton Street. The traffic has eased considerably, and the police and paramedics are long gone. Melissa notices a heap of glass shards that have been swept into the gutter. We drive back to my place and I start up my laptop while Melissa makes a pot of tea.
<p>'Do you think we can do it?' she says from the kitchen. 'You know, save them?'
<p>'I don't know.'
<p>I load up a web browser and start trawling the news websites for recent car crashes. Willow jumps up onto the couch and meows at me.
<p>'I fed you like an hour ago, fatty,' I say.
<p>She jumps down and rubs up against Melissa. Melissa bends down and scratches her behind the ears.
<p>'Anything?' Melissa says.
<p>I shake my head. 'Too recent,' I say. 'The news sites haven't caught wind of it yet.' I sigh. 'And there's a chance they won't...I mean accidents happen every day, and there's so many other things happening around the world.'
<p>My pocket vibrates. It's my boss, Larry. I reject it and turn on the television. I flick through the channels and settle on a documentary about failed rocket launches. It's near the end, but it's still interesting.
<p>Melissa brings two cups of tea over and nestles up beside me on the couch. We watch the documentary together, taking it in turns to refresh the ABC News website to check for any updates.
<p>After lunch a brief story comes through. <em>Girl, 23, killed in car accident on Caxton Street in Brisbane</em>. I click on the story, but there are no new details.
<p>'She was so young...' Melissa says, shaking her head.
<p>'We'll go earlier next time,' I say. '[[Before the accident|try again]]. We can warn her.' </p>
The doctor shakes his head slowly. 'She was six weeks pregnant. I'm so sorry.'
<p>I stare past him at the pale green wall. How could she be pregnant? She would have told
me. We've been trying for so long. She would have told me, even if things were shitty between us. I wonder if it was a boy or a girl?
<p>'Can I see her?'
<p>He frowns. 'I'm afraid that won't be possible today.' He reaches forward and puts a hand on my shoulder. 'Maybe [[tomorrow|tomorrow9]].' </p>
<<set $meldeath to true>>
<<set $preg to true>>
I grab her shoulders and shake her. 'Melissa, wake up. Please wake up. Please.'
<p>'Watch out,' someone says. 'We need to get her to the hospital.'
<p>I look around. Two paramedics scoop up Melissa's body and place her on a stretcher. I follow speechlessly after them. They let me sit in the back of the ambulance as we make our way to the Mater hospital across the river. One of the paramedics lifts Melissa’s eyelids and shines a light into her eyes. The other one is writing something on a clipboard. I shut my eyes and try to think of anything else. A tropical island beach. Snowboarding in Canada. Anything.
<p>When we arrive at the hospital the paramedics jump out and wheel Melissa through the doors and through into the emergency room. One of them takes me to the waiting room and asks me a bunch of questions that are all jumbled.
<p>I don't know how long I'm in the waiting room for. An hour. Maybe six. Time just seems to lose all meaning within the walls of the hospital. But someone in a white lab coat emerges and sits in the chair beside me.
<p>'Ms. Walker was badly injured, but she is in a stable condition.'
<p>Relief washes over me.
<p>'Thank you doctor,' I say.
<p>'Unfortunately,' the doctor continues. 'We couldn't save the baby.'
<p>An atom bomb goes off in my chest, sending shockwaves out to my limbs. 'What?' I say. [['What baby?']] </p>
I place my palms over her chest and start the compressions. I've never done this before, but I have to try something...
<p>'Are you trained in CPR?' someone says.
<p>I look around and see two paramedics.
<p>I shake my head.
<p>'Watch out,' the other one says. 'We need to get her to the hospital.'
<p>They scoop up Melissa's body and place her on a stretcher. I follow speechlessly after them. They let me sit in the back of the ambulance as we make our way to the Mater hospital across the river. One of the paramedics lifts Melissa’s eyelids and shines a light into her eyes. The other one is writing something on a clipboard.. I shut my eyes and try to think of anything else. A tropical island beach. Snowboarding in Canada. Anything.
<p>When we arrive at the hospital the paramedics jump out and wheel Melissa through the doors and through into the emergency room. One of them takes me to the waiting room and asks me a bunch of questions that are all jumbled.
<p>I don't know how long I'm in the waiting room for. An hour. Maybe six. Time just seems to lose all meaning within the walls of the hospital. But someone in a white lab coat emerges and sits in the chair beside me.
<p>'Ms. Walker was badly injured, but she is in a stable condition.'
<p>Relief washes over me.
<p>'Thank you doctor,' I say.
<p>'Unfortunately,' the doctor continues. 'We couldn't save the baby.'
<p>An atom bomb goes off in my chest, sending shockwaves out to my limbs. 'What?' I say. [['What baby?']] </p>
I stand up straight and look around the crash site, heart racing. I see two paramedics getting out of an ambulance. I stick my arms up and get their attention. They hurry over, scoop up Melissa's body, and place her on a stretcher. I follow speechlessly after them. They let me sit in the back of the ambulance as we make our way to the Mater hospital across the river. One of the paramedics lifts Melissa’s eyelids and shines a light into her eyes. The other one is writing something on a clipboard. I shut my eyes and try to think of anything else. A tropical island beach. Snowboarding in Canada. Anything.
<p>When we arrive at the hospital the paramedics jump out and wheel Melissa through the doors and through into the emergency room. One of them takes me to the waiting room and asks me a bunch of questions that are all jumbled.
<p>I don't know how long I'm in the waiting room for. An hour. Maybe six. Time just seems to lose all meaning within the walls of the hospital. But someone in a white lab coat emerges and sits in the chair beside me.
<p>'Ms. Walker was badly injured, but she is in a stable condition.'
<p>Relief washes over me.
<p>'Thank you doctor,' I say.
<p>'Unfortunately,' the doctor continues. 'We couldn't save the baby.'
<p>An atom bomb goes off in my chest, sending shockwaves out to my limbs. 'What?' I say. [['What baby?']] </p>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I lay in bed and relive the horrifying results of yesterday's accident. Three lives were taken because of my actions. Not just the poor girl in the Suzuki, but Melissa and the life of my unborn child. A child which is, at this moment, still very much alive. And I aim to keep it that way by not getting her involved in any of this. When my phone rings I reject her call. As much as I want to hear her voice, to ask about the baby, to see her...I can't. It will have to wait until another day. The girl in the Suzuki is counting on me. [[I have to save her|try again]].
<<set $melcrash to false>>
<<set $crash1 to true>>
The traffic has inched forward a car length or two. I release the handbrake and drive forward. It’s about twenty minutes until we get moving again. When I reach the top of the hill I see the mangled corpse of a blue Suzuki Swift and a dinged up bus. I look around to see if the car driver is okay, but I have to keep moving.
<p>My boss is pretty sour when I turn up to the office late. I tell him about the car accident, but he won’t have a bar of it. He calls me into his office with the big glass window overlooking the Brisbane River and sits me down.
<p>‘Do you like working here?’ he asks me. He’s touching his chin and his big, bushy eyebrows are furrowed.
<p>It’s a trick. He wants a reason to fire me.
<p>‘Yes, sir.’
<p>‘Good,’ he says. ‘Because, you know, there are plenty of people who would love to have your job.’
<p>‘Of course, sir. I’m very honoured.’
He pauses, considering me for a while. ‘Alright. Well, get back to it then. And don’t even think about leaving at five. You owe me an extra half hour.’
<p>I make my way out of the office and down the hallway to my cubicle. As soon as my butt hits the seat my phone starts ringing. During my lunch break Melissa calls again. She knows my schedule. I don’t answer. I wouldn’t know what to say right now. I’d only make it worse.
<p>The hours trickle by, slow as molasses. I spend half the day on the phone talking to cranky investors and the other half staring at my computer screen. I barely have time to appreciate the magnificent show that Mother Nature is putting on outside the window.
<p>After work I kick back on my couch and drink a beer. I flick on the TV and watch an old black and white movie. Willow pounces onto the couch, curls up on my lap, and goes to sleep. I finish my beer and want to get up to grab another one, but I look down at her and can’t stand the thought of disturbing her. I continue watching the movie and slowly [[drift off to sleep]].</p>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. But something's different. I slowly open my eyes and find that I'm still on top of Mount Warning.
<p>Is this a dream?
<p>Quinn's warm, naked body is pressed up against mine. I run my fingers gently down her back and look out across the horizon. The sun is just beginning to rise, spilling warmth and
golden light out over the valley.
<p>It's finally over! It's a new day, in every sense of the word...I look out over the valley and try to fully take in the moment. A group of fluffy white clouds drift by slowly and hot salty tears well up in my eyes and trickle down my cheeks. I feel like a moth that's been flying towards a street lamp at the end of a very long road, a single light source determining my path through life. But now there are street lamps flickering on all around me.
<p>I think about Quinn. What an amazing woman...perhaps we have a future together? We could travel around Australia together, working on farms for food and rent. Quinn was talking about how she always wanted to live in Germany. Maybe we'd go together, see the world. It'd be one hell of a ride.
<p>But I have history with Melissa. Strong, amazing, unbreakable history. She's the only one I could ever see myself having a family with. The only problem is that I don't deserve her. And she doesn't deserve my bullshit. I mean I literally just cheated on her. Maybe I should just stay away.
<p>I feel Quinn stirring. She rolls over, opens her eyes, and smiles at me. 'Hey you,' she says.
<p>We meet up with the rest of the group and hike back down the mountain. We pile into the back of the van once more and head back to Byron. We pull into the car park and I see my dusty old Subaru baking in the sun. One of the boys opens the sliding door and a bunch of people get out.
<p>Quinn looks at me and frowns. 'I guess this is goodbye?' </p>
[[Stay with Quinn|Ending 6]]
[[Make things right with Melissa]]
<<set $noloop to true>>
I drive back to Brisbane and Melissa agrees to have dinner with me. We meet at her favourite restaurant, an Italian place in South Bank. The food is exquisite, but the conversation is strained. I ask her about her day, about her mother. She asks about my cat.
<p>Afterwards, we talk along the river and find a quiet spot to talk. We sit down on a wooden bench and look out across the river and the city lights.
<p>'I need to tell you something,' I say.
<p>'Me too,' Melissa says. </p>
[[Tell her about Quinn|Tell her about Quinn 2]]
[[Listen to what she has to say]]
'Not necessarily,' I say. I hop out of the van and we walk over to my car.
<p>'What do you mean?' Quinn says, ruffling her hair and then leaning up against my car.
<p>'Well,' I say. 'I thought maybe I could tag along for a while?'
<p>'With me?' she says.
<p>'Yeah...'
<p>She regards me for a while without saying a word, those big green eyes of hers cutting through me. Maybe I was just a one night stand for her? Maybe she doesn't see a future travelling the world together. I take a deep breath and try to ease my rising anxiety.
<p>'Sounds like a blast,' she says with a smile.
<p>I breathe a sigh of relief. 'Why did you leave me hanging?'
<p>'I like watching you squirm.'
<p>I look out at the ocean, at the waves lapping up against the beach. 'Want to go for a swim?'
<p>'Sure,' she says. 'I'll grab my togs.'
<p>We run across the scorching hot sand and jump in the cold ocean water together. A shiver shoots down my spine at the abrupt change of temperature and whatever grogginess I felt when I woke up immediately disappears.
<p>I surface and wipe the salt water from my eyes. Quinn is staring out into the distance. I swim over to her and plant a kiss on her lips. She kisses me back and then laughs.
<p>'This doesn't make us a couple,' she says.
<p>A small wave approaches and we both paddle over it. I look at Quinn and nod. 'That's okay. I just got out of a long term relationship...'
<p>'Okay,' she says, wrapping her arms around me. 'Just wanted to be clear.'
<p>We stay in the water for about an hour, talking and catching waves. Afterwards we order breakfast in a cafe just back from the beach front.
<p>'So where are we headed?' I ask.
<p>'Well,' Quinn says. 'Mark and a few of the boys wanted to stop by Nimbin for a few days. But I'm not super interested. I've been there a few times already.' She pauses and looks at me. 'How do you feel about driving down to Newcastle with me? I've got some family there I haven't seen in a couple of years.'
<p>'Newcastle? Yeah, why not. I haven't done a proper road trip since I was about ten.' </p><p>Quinn slinks off to the toilet to get changed and I turn my eyes back to the ocean, watching the waves crash against the rocks. I picture Quinn and I driving in my car. The windows are down and Nirvana is playing on the stereo. Outside the window, lush green hills rise and fall like the ocean. For the first time in a while the future seems flexible, millions of untold stories waiting to be written. Quinn returns from the bathroom and I feel the flutter of tiny butterfly wings. </p>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I rub my eyes and look out the window. There are still dark clouds outside and rain pattering against my windows. I lay in bed and relive every little detail of the night before. It had been a complete disaster, I'd dropped an atom bomb on our relationship, but it was <em>my</em> disaster. I had the courage to tell her the truth and that counts for something. <<if $noloop is true>>Also, I'm finally free of this infernal time loop. Free to live my life. I roll over and change the ringtone on my phone. I'm sick to death of hearing it.<<else>>But then I remember that I'm stuck in this infernal time loop. I roll over and scream loudly into my pillow.<</if>>
<p>Sometime later I feel Willow jump up onto the bed. I roll over and she starts licking my face. I grimace and push her away. 'Can't you see I'm feeling sorry for myself?'
<p>She meows at me.
<p>I throw the covers off and stumble into the kitchen, spooning some cat food into her bowl. I make myself some breakfast and collapse onto the couch to watch music videos.
<<if $preg is true>><p>After breakfast my pocket vibrates. I look down at Melissa's smiling profile picture. I take a deep breath and answer the call.
<p>Melissa is silent on the other end. I can hear her breathing softly into the earpiece.
<p>'Hello?' I say.
<p>'Okay,' Melissa says. 'So I've been thinking...all night in fact. I still want to have the baby with you. But it's going to take some time for me to trust you again okay? And things might never be...like they were before.'
<p>'Of course,' I say, in shock. 'I love you.'
<p>'I'll talk to you later,' she says and hangs up.
<p>My heart races. Hot, salty tears well up in my eyes and trickle down my cheeks. </p>
<<else>><p>After breakfast I sit out on the balcony and compose a long, apologetic text message to Melissa. She doesn't reply.</p><</if>><p>I pick up Willow and carry her with me to the couch. She settles into a comfy position on my lap.
<p>The rain clouds are starting to clear and there's a few rays of sunshine creeping through and striking the tops of the skyscrapers. Such a big city with so many people and so many stories. I've done a lot of things over the last couple of days but I've barely even touched the surface. I'm just a speck of dust in the scheme of things. <<if $preg is true>>I think about Melissa and the baby. <em>Our baby</em>. Three little specks of dust floating through the abyss together.<<else>>But that's okay.<</if>><p>I run my hand through Willow's fur and she begins to purr.</p>
Melissa takes a deep breath and looks into my eyes. She opens her lips slowly. 'I'm pregnant.'
<p>For a moment the tightness in my chest disappears and I'm filled with unbelievable joy. But then, like a yoyo, it comes back even harder. I've done something truly unforgivable now... I've cheated on the mother of my child.
<p>'Are you okay?' Melissa says, looking concerned.
<p>I open my mouth but no words come out. I look into Melissa's eyes and the tears flow freely from my eyes. She leans forward and embraces me.
<p>'It's okay,' she says. She kisses me and puts a hand on each side of my head. 'We're having a baby.'
<p>'We're having a baby.'
<p>Suddenly I feel like all of the air has been sucked out of my lungs. What if I'm stuck in this loop forever and I never get to meet my baby?
<p>I swallow dryly. No, I won't let that happen...It can't happen. I take a deep breath and try to force those dark thoughts out of my mind.
<p>Melissa leans in for a kiss but I pull away. <p>'What is it?' she says.
<p>I feel like a soldier who's just stepped forward through some tall grass and heard the click of a landmine. I'm paralysed with the fear of moving forward or backward. If I [[tell her about Quinn|Tell her about Quinn 2]] I could ruin everything...I could lose my baby and Melissa at the same time. But if I [[lie to her|Lie 2]], I might have to bury this horrible secret forever. I've jumped from a plane without a parachute.</p>
<<set $preg to true>>
I take a deep breath. 'Yesterday,' I say, choked up. 'I slept with someone else.'
<p>Melissa stares at me, fires roaring in her eyes. 'Are you fucking serious?' She says. 'It's been like a week. And you...' Melissa glances down briefly at her stomach and then back up at me. <<if $preg is true>>'We're going to have a fucking baby together...<<else>>'I...I can't fucking believe you.'<</if>><p>'I know...' I say, feebly.
<p>She closes her eyes and tears stream down her red cheeks. I reach out and touch the side of her face, but she yanks my hand away. 'Don't touch me.'
<p>I take a breath. My insides feel like they are being squished into a container that's too small. I stare at her, willing her to open her eyes, shrug off the tears and miraculously forgive me.
<p>Finally she opens her eyes. She looks at me like a child looking at someone who has just killed their favourite kitten. 'Why?' she asks.
<p>I take a deep breath. 'Because I'm a coward.'
<p>'Fuck off,' she shouts. She wipes her running nose. 'Try again, or I'm out of here.'
<p>'Fuck. Um.' I search for the "right" words. 'She was there...and I knew you were mad at me...I didn't‐'
<p>'You didn't what?' she says. 'You couldn't be fucking bothered working things out with me because it would take too long and it would be too fucking hard, so you got it off with someone else instead? Something like that?'
<p>'Yeah...'
<p>Melissa scrunches up her face to keep from breaking into tears again. 'Who is she?'
<p>'What?'
<p>'The girl you fucked, who was it? Do I know her?'
<p>'No one...Just a girl I met in Byron.'
<p>'Just a girl you met in Byron...' Melissa crosses her arms. ‘What the fuck where you doing in Byron?
<p>‘I don’t know…I just needed to escape the city.’
'And it just happened once?'
<p>'Yes,' I say.
<p>'How was it?' Melissa asks, holding her hand up to her mouth.
<p>I swallow. 'It was okay‐'
<p>'Bullshit. Tell me the truth!'
<p>'Okay okay. It was amazing alright?' I pause, desperately searching for something. 'But it wasn't you. You and I have an incredible history. We have like a million in jokes. I know,
and love, your parents...The intimacy we have is on a whole other level.' <<if $preg is true>>I pause. 'You're the one I want to start a family with.' <</if>><p>Melissa regards me for a moment and shakes her head. 'I've got half a mind to get an abortion tomorrow.'
<p>'What? No! You can't, we've been trying for so long.'
<p>'Obviously that doesn't mean much to you.'
<p>Melissa starts walking away and I chase after her.
<p>'Where are you going?' I ask.
<p>'I don't know,' she says. 'Anywhere but here.'
<p>I dissolve into tears. 'Do you...do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me?'
<p>'I don't know.' Melissa shrugs. We walk back to her car and she looks at me one last time. 'Goodbye,' she says, getting in the car.
<p>I catch the bus home, curl up in my bed, and [[let the tears flow freely|Ending 4]]. </p>
Melissa wakes me with a kiss. I startle awake and look around, disoriented.
<p>'Sorry,' she says with a laugh. 'I didn't mean to scare you. I have to go to work, but I wanted to say goodbye before I left.'
<p>I force a smile and she laughs. 'I'll see you later.'
<p>She grabs her handbag and glides out the door, shutting it softly behind her. I rub my eyes and look out the window. There are still dark clouds outside and rain pattering against my windows.
<p>Melissa's pregnant with our child, and I cheated on her. I didn't even have the common decency to tell her the truth...she deserves better.
<p>I curl up my fingers into a ball and punch my mattress, hard.
<p>Willow jumps up onto the bed and starts licking my face. I grimace and push her away. But she meows at me because it's time for breakfast.
<p>I throw the covers off and stumble into the kitchen, spooning some cat food into her bowl. I make myself some breakfast and sit out on the balcony.
<p>The rain clouds are starting to clear and there's a few rays of sunshine creeping through and striking the tops of the skyscrapers. Such a big city with so many people and so many stories. I've done a lot of things over the last couple of days but I've barely even touched the surface. I'm just a speck of dust in the scheme of things. A tiny, insignificant speck of dust.
<p>I stand up and peer over the edge of the balcony. What kind of parent would I make? I grip my bowl tightly and hang it over the edge of the balcony. It's quite a fall to the concrete below. I tip the bowl upside down and a drop of milk floats down to the ground. And then, on
a whim, I drop the bowl and it smashes into a thousand little pieces. Someone yells out but I'm not listening.
<p>Starting a family with Melissa is all I ever wanted. But if I stay I'm guaranteed to mess that child up. Maybe it's better to have no parent rather than a shitty parent.
<p>I have a hot shower. The water bites at my flesh.
<p>I leave the bathroom and stand in the doorway. I look over at the kitchen bench where the morning light is striking my car keys, almost like a sign. <em>Leave</em>, it's saying.
<em>Leave now, and don't look back</em>. I look over at the couch where Willow is grooming herself. She pauses for a moment and glances up at me. She stares at me like she knows my secrets, the depth of human tragedy. But then she starts licking herself again.
<p>I take a deep breath and close my eyes. </p>
'Sorry,' I say, leaning in and kissing her on the lips. 'You just caught me off guard is all...my mind is racing.'
<p>She stares at me for a moment, regarding me. 'Of course,' she says. 'We've been trying for so long, I don't think either of us dared to believe it would ever actually work.'
<p>'Exactly.'
<p>We drive back to my place and Melissa lies down on the bed. I run my hands along her body. She breathes deeply and arches her back a little. I kiss down her stomach.
<p>Melissa stares out the window at the city lights and I softly run my fingers over her belly. I imagine the large bump that is going to develop there in a few months' time.
<p>'What were you going to tell me?' Melissa asks.
<p>'Huh?'
<p>'Before I told you I was pregnant, you were going to tell me something.'
<p>'Oh,' I say. I feel like a cat that's knocked over its owner's favourite vase. The problem is that Melissa doesn't know that I've broken it. 'It's nothing, really.'
<p>Melissa frowns. 'You know how I hate that...'
<p>I nod. 'It was just that I was thinking about...taking painting classes once a week.'
<p>'Oh baby, that's great news! I know how much you used to love to paint.'
<p>We sit in silence, watching the rain droplets slide down the windows and watching the sun drop on the horizon. I think about how long it might take to piece a broken vase back together, and if it's still the same vase or not after being put back [[together|Ending 5]]. </p>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I rub my eyes and look out the window. There are still dark clouds outside and rain pattering against my windows.
<p>Melissa's pregnant with our child, and I cheated on her. I didn't even have the common decency to tell her the truth. There's no denying it, I'm the worst kind of coward there is. I don't deserve her.
<p>I roll over and scream loudly into my pillow.
<p>Willow jumps up onto the bed and starts licking my face. I grimace and push her away. But she meows at me because it's time for breakfast.
<p>I throw the covers off and stumble into the kitchen, spooning some cat food into her bowl. I make myself some breakfast and sit out on the balcony.
<p>The rain clouds are starting to clear and there's a few rays of sunshine creeping through and striking the tops of the skyscrapers. Such a big city with so many people and so many stories. I've done a lot of things over the last couple of days but I've barely even touched the surface. I'm just a speck of dust in the scheme of things. A tiny, insignificant, cowardly speck of dust.
<p>I stand up and peer over the edge of the balcony. What kind of parent would I make? I grip my bowl tightly and hang it over the edge of the balcony. It's quite a fall to the concrete below. I tip the bowl upside down and a drop of milk floats down to the ground. And then, on a whim, I drop the bowl and it smashes into a thousand little pieces. Someone yells out but I'm not listening.
<p>I've spent the past however many days trying my hardest to escape this time prison, but maybe I've been looking at it all wrong. Maybe it's not a punishment at all. Maybe it's an opportunity for self development. If I'm stuck here for a hundred years, that means I'll have a hundred years to grow as a person, to change. Change is important, because I'm not happy right now...with who I am or what I've done.
<p> I run my fingers through Willow’s fur And she starts purring.</p>
Melissa lies down on my bed and stares out the window at the city lights. I softly run my fingers over her belly. I imagine the large bump that is going to develop there in a few months' time.
<p>'When were you going to tell me?' I ask.
<p>'I wanted it to be this week,' Melissa says.
<p>We both sit in silence for a while, watching the rain droplets falling on the windows.
<p>I slide on top of Melissa and kiss her passionately on the lips. She looks up at me and sighs.
<p>'What's wrong?' I ask.
<p>'Nothing...' she says.
<p>'Am I moving too fast?'
<p>'Maybe a little.'
<p>'Okay,' I say, nodding. 'Do you want to watch a movie or something?'
<p>'I'd like that.'
<p>We settle down on the couch and I put a movie on. She cuddles up to me and falls asleep almost instantly. I look down at her and feel a warmth surge through me. We're going to have a baby. We're going to have a life together, a real, solid, amazing life. But it has to end tonight, this endless looping. It has to end. I need to [[move forward with my life|Ending 1]]. </p>
<<if $byron is true>>I arrive in Byron just after midday and find a park next to a cafe overlooking the beach. I order breakfast and look out over the bay. The air is warm and salty, but not humid like in Brisbane. I take a seat on the grass and watch the waves crash against the rocks and wash up over the sand on the beach.
<p>I am struck by the cyclical nature of the ocean. Every day the water rises up the rocks, submerging the trillions of grains of sand on the beach, but then before long it recedes, drawn back into itself, preparing to repeat the process in a few hours' time. The process is endless. I think my life has become like the ocean tide and I'm not sure why.</p>
<<if $accident is true>><p>I thought maybe I was here to save lives...save the world. But the world's doing just fine.</p><</if>><p>Maybe the answer's out there somewhere. Such a big
world with so many people and so many stories. I've barely touched the surface. Or perhaps there is no answer, no grand design, just bad fucking luck. I suppose it was naive to think that the universe would behave in a certain way, to take the lead from one person. A grain of sand in the scheme of things.
<p>I've spent the past however many days trying my hardest to escape this time prison, but maybe I've been looking at it all wrong. Maybe it's not a punishment at all. Maybe it's an opportunity for self development. If I'm stuck here for a hundred years, that means I'll have a hundred years to grow as a person, to change.
<p>I untie my shoelaces, take off my socks, and jump down onto the beach, feeling the warm sand squish between my toes. I stand there on the beach and close my eyes. I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin; I feel the wind ruffle my hair; and I'm at peace.<<else>>I fire up the car and start driving to Byron. There is an accident just out of the city and the traffic is built up for a few kilometres. A semi trailer collided with a white SUV. It reminds me of the accident on Caxton Street. I try to put it out of my mind. After I pass the accident, the traffic clears up considerably. I put the radio on and cruise down the M3 towards one of my favourite places.
<p>The clouds begin to get lighter around the New South Wales border and the rain eases off. The sun comes out intermittently, illuminating the lush green fields and rolling hills. It's such a different landscape to Queensland, even just a few kilometers over the border. It's really hard to believe.
<p>I pull into Byron just after midday and find a park next to a cafe overlooking the beach. I order a big breakfast and look out over the bay. The air is warm and salty, but not humid like in Brisbane. I watch the waves crash against the rocks and wash up over the sand on the beach.
<p>I am struck by the cyclical nature of the ocean. Every day the water rises up the rocks, submerging the trillions of grains of sand on the beach, but then before long it recedes, drawn back into itself, preparing to repeat the process in a few hours' time. The process is endless. I think my life has become like the ocean tide and I'm not sure why.</p><<if $accident is true>><p>I thought maybe I was here to save lives...save the world. But the world's doing just fine.</p><</if>><p>Maybe the answer's out there somewhere. Such a big
world with so many people and so many stories. I've barely touched the surface. Or perhaps there is no answer, no grand design, just bad fucking luck. I suppose it was naive to think that the universe would behave in a certain way, to take the lead from one person. A grain of sand in the scheme of things.
<p>I've spent the past however many days trying my hardest to escape this time prison, but maybe I've been looking at it all wrong. Maybe it's not a punishment at all. Maybe it's an opportunity for self development. If I'm stuck here for a hundred years, that means I'll have a hundred years to grow as a person, to change.
<p>I untie my shoelaces, take off my socks, and jump down onto the beach, feeling the warm sand squish between my toes. I stand there on the beach and close my eyes. I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin; I feel the wind ruffle my hair; and if only for a moment I'm at peace.</p><</if>>
I find some swimmers in the back of my car that I haven't used in years and chuck them on. The wind ruffles my hair as I walk across the warm sand. There is a group of guys playing cricket on the beach and the ball narrowly misses my head as it whizzes by. There are a handful of kids on boogie boards coming in on a small wave and further out a bunch of people on surf boards, paddling around, waiting for the perfect wave.
<p>I ditch my stuff by the lifeguard flag and approach the wet sand to dip my feet in the water. As usual, it's a lot colder than I anticipate, a shiver shoots up my spine. But I shake it off and push myself forwards. The waves lap at my calves and I cringe.
<p>'Don't think about it too much.'
<p>Behind me smoking a cigarette is a girl with short, bleached blonde hair, full lips, and a septum piercing.
<p>She takes a drag of the cigarette. 'Just jump in,' she says. 'It's like a band‐aid.'
<p>I take a deep breath and jump in. At first its freezing but after I paddle around for a minute it's nice. All of my love for the beach comes flooding back to me. Mum used to take me quite a bit when I was little. Dad was always too busy with work, and I didn't want to go with him anyway. Mum actually took me to this very beach once or twice. I remember, she would sit up on the sand in her swimmers and read a book. I would ask her when she was coming in and she would always say, 'Just after this chapter.'
<p>'How is it?' the girl asks, wading out into the water
<p>'Look,' I say. 'Pleasant is not a word I would use to describe it.'
<p>'What word would you use?'
<p>'Um,' I say. 'Tollerable...no, refreshing. Let's go with that.'
<p>She laughs and dives in the water without hesitation.
<p>'I'm going to go meet up with my friends.' She points out to a group of people in the water, mid to late twenties huddled around in a circle, bobbing up and down with the waves. She turns to me and smiles. 'You can come if you want.'
<p>She takes off towards the group and I follow behind. As we get there a guy with long brown hair calls out, 'Big wave!' Behind us a wave starts to rise and gain momentum. Everyone in
the group gets ready. The girl with the short blonde hair raises herself up to body surf it and I see a tattoo of Jupiter on her triceps. </p>
[[Catch the wave]]
[[Swim underneath]]
<<set $beach to true>>
<<set $byron to true>>
I take a deep breath. 'Yesterday,' I say, choked up. 'I slept with someone else.'
<p>Melissa stares at me, fires roaring in her eyes. 'Are you fucking serious?' She says.
'It's been like a week. And you...' Melissa glances down briefly at her stomach and then back up at me. <<if $preg is true>>'We're going to have a fucking baby together...<<else>>'I...I can't fucking believe you.'<</if>><p>'I know...' I say, feebly.
<p>She closes her eyes and tears stream down her red cheeks. I reach out and touch the side of her face, but she yanks it away. 'Don't touch me.'
<p>I pull my hand away and take a breath. My insides feel like they are being squished into a container that's too small. I stare at her, willing her to open her eyes, shrug off the tears and miraculously forgive me.
<p>Finally she opens her eyes. She looks at me like a child looking at someone who has just killed their favourite kitten. 'Why?' she asks.
<p>I take a deep breath. 'Because I'm a coward.'
<p>'Fuck off,' she shouts. She wipes her running nose. 'Try again, or I'm out of here.'
<p>'Fuck. Um.' I search for the "right" words. 'She was there...and I knew you were mad at me...I didn't‐'
<p>'You didn't what?' she says. 'You couldn't be fucking bothered working things out with me because it would take too long and it would be too fucking hard, so you got it off with someone else instead? Something like that?'
<p>'Yeah...'
<p>Melissa scrunches up her face to keep from breaking into tears again. 'Who is she?'
<p>'What?'
<p>'The girl you fucked, who was it? Do I know her?'
<p>'No one...Just a girl I met in Byron.'
<p>'Just a girl you met in Byron...' Melissa stands up and dries herself aggressively with a towel. ‘What the fuck where you doing in Byron?
<p>‘I don’t know…I just needed to escape the city.’
'And it just happened once?'
<p>'Yes,' I say.
<p>'How was it?' Melissa asks, holding her hand up to her mouth.
<p>I swallow. 'It was okay‐'
<p>'Bullshit. Tell me the truth!'
<p>'Okay okay. It was amazing alright?' I pause, desperately searching for something. 'But it wasn't you. You and I have an incredible history. We have like a million in jokes. I know,
and love, your parents...The intimacy we have is on a whole other level.' <<if $preg is true>>I pause. 'You're the one I want to start a family with.' <</if>>
<p>Melissa regards me for a moment and shakes her head. 'I've got half a mind to get an abortion tomorrow.'
<p>'What? No! You can't, we've been trying for so long.'
<p>'Obviously that doesn't mean much to you.'
<p>Melissa starts walking away and I chase after her.
<p>'Where are you going?' I ask.
<p>'I don't know,' she says. 'Anywhere but here.'
<p>I dissolve into tears. 'Do you...do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me?'
<p>'I don't know.' Melissa shrugs. We walk back to her car and she looks at me one last time. 'Goodbye,' she says, getting in the car. She drives off, leaving me in the car park in the middle of nowhere. I deserve this.
<p>I sit for a while on park bench, crying. After the sun's gone down I walk to the top of the hill and stick my thumb out to hitch a ride somewhere, anywhere. I end up in a cheap
motel somewhere. The room is small and dingy, but I don't care. I flick the television on and [[cry myself to sleep|Ending 4]]. </p>
'Sorry,' I say, leaning in and kissing her on the lips. 'You just caught me off guard is all...my mind is racing.'
<p>She stares at me for a moment, regarding me. 'Of course,' she says. 'We've been trying for so long, I don't think either of us dared to believe it would ever actually work.'
<p>'Exactly.'
<p>We drive back to my place and Melissa lies down on the bed. She stares out the window at the city lights and I softly run my fingers over her belly. I imagine the large bump that is going to develop there in a few months' time.
<p>'Back at the rockpools,' Melissa says, stroking my arm. 'I feel like you were going to tell me something...'
<p>'Um,' I say. I feel like a cat that's knocked over its owner's favourite vase. The problem is that Melissa doesn't know that I've broken it. 'It's nothing, really.'
<p>Melissa frowns. 'You know how I hate that...'
<p>I nod. 'I'm sorry...to be honest, I don't even remember what I was going to say.'
<p>She looks at me for a moment, staring deep into my eyes, and then she sighs and turns away. We sit in silence, watching the rain droplets slide down the windows and watching the sun drop on the horizon. I think about how long it might take to piece a broken vase back together, and if it's still the same vase or not after being put back [[together|Ending 2]]. </p>
<<link [img[ https://www.dropbox.com/s/3gp0dtchsld7ocf/ouroboros_cover.jpg?dl=1][Ouroboros]]>>
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. There are fireworks going off in my chest. I take a deep breath and slowly sit up. There is a light rain pitter‐pattering on my bedroom window and in the distance a dense fog has engulfed Brisbane city. I shove the blankets off me and slip into a hot shower. As I’m drying myself my cat Willow makes a ghostly appearance in the doorway. She stares at me, tail moving nervously behind her. It’s like she can see something I can’t. A shiver trickles slowly down my spine. And then she darts into the lounge room.
<p>I open my wardrobe and put on my work uniform. It feels starchy against my skin. My mother told me to dream big, that the sky was the limit. Somehow I don’t think she meant working for a finance company near the top of a skyscraper.
<p>When I was younger I was really passionate about art. I used to paint all the time. Portraits, landscapes, whatever came into my head. I was really creative. And then I graduated high school and suddenly there was this pressure on me to find a job. Dad never missed an opportunity to tell me that there was no money in painting, unless it was painting a house.
<p>My phone rings over breakfast. It’s Melissa. My heart sinks as I remember the way we left things. We had a shouting match about something stupid. Something small that escalated into something big. I look down at my phone, at her smiling profile picture. My thumb hovers over the ‘answer’ button, but I let it go to voicemail.
<p>In the elevator is a man in a tie‐dyed shirt and pale green fisherman’s pants. He has dreadlocks halfway down his backside and an incredibly powerful body odour. He smiles at me.
<p>‘Good day for the race,’ he says.
<p>‘What race?’ I ask.
<p>‘The human race, of course.’ He chuckles and gets off on the second floor. I catch the elevator to the carpark on the bottom floor and find my dusty old Subaru. It’s a cold morning so I leave the engine running for a while before leaving.
<p>As I leave the carpark I see a flash of lightning in the sky and hear the rain ricocheting off the roof of my car. I drive through the dimly lit backstreets of Paddington and turn onto Caxton Street. The traffic is backed up, not moving an inch. There is a faint blue and red flash coming from the top of the hill, up by the Barracks. I flick on the radio and hear nothing but pop jingles so I open the glovebox and rummage around for a cassette tape. I find one labelled ‘Road trip’ in Melissa’s elegant, flowing handwriting. I put it in the tape player and The Bangles come on.
<p>Three days ago I picked Melissa up from work and took her out for dinner. It was nice; we went to this Tibetan place in New Farm. Just before we finished we started talking about a road trip we were planning to [[Tasmania]].</p>\
I wake up to the shrill metallic ring of my alarm clock. I get up and have a nice hot shower and watch as Willow does the same thing as the previous days, appear in the doorway, stare at me, and then disapear like some sort of otherworldly spirit.
<p>When I'm finished with my shower I make myself some breakfast. While I'm pouring the milk Melissa calls. I should probably [[answer her call]]. Maybe it's time I tried to fix things between us. But what if I just make things worse? I haven't really got my shit together at the moment. Perhaps I should just [[ignore the call]] for now and take another day to myself. She'll call again tomorrow after all. </p>